


Closest I Get

by sssammich



Category: Victorious
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Complete, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-14
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 52,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssammich/pseuds/sssammich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade and Tori meet years after high school because of a misplaced envelope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This loosely follows canonical Victorious, set in the future. Cat doesn't speak in non-sequiturs and Trina is a decent human being, more or less. This story contains OCs.
> 
> For your reading convenience: Singular slash (/) signifies character/POV change between Jade and Tori. Singular period (.) signifies scene change within POV segment.
> 
> Inspired by Katie Herzig's song and story's name sake, "Closest I Get."

_What if I wait and you don't show_

_If I left you half just to keep me whole_

;;

_**Early April** _

The only thing she can think about is that his feet are always cold.

How she hates getting into bed and feeling the coldness of his feet against the warmth of hers. How much it annoys her that he purposefully puts his cold feet on her legs when they're sitting together on the couch in the living room. How winters under the covers is the absolute worst because his feet are cold and all she wants is to be set on fire.

She can't live with someone whose feet are cold.

She sweeps her eyes around the cozy judge's quarters, her eyes passing her friends – their witnesses – who are giving her excited smiles and thumbs up. Her eyes eventually land back on him and he's smiling right at her, completely enamored.

A sinking feeling, something she'll later identify as panic, settles in her stomach.

Today she's getting married. But all she can think about is cold feet.

.

Jade barely snaps back into consciousness when they repeat her name several times. She frantically looks from Beck to their friends and to the judge before she slowly steps out of the claustrophobic space she has somehow caged herself in between them. She has to get out of there as soon as she can. The worried frown on Beck's face consumes her (later, she'll have nightmares of nothing but his faces of disappointment and anger).

"Jade…" She can hear him. She can hear her name, but she can't make herself stop backing away.

This isn't anything like she expected (and it's not until much later where she admits that it isn't anything like she wanted, either), so she tries to escape. She yanks her purse away from Cat who leaps in surprise before she continues to find an exit.

"Jade, stop!"

"No, I can't do this. This isn't-"

"What?" He quickly catches up to her and blocks the door.

She can feel the sting in her eyes of oncoming tears, but she refuses to drop them here, not when he's still in front of her, but for very different reasons.

"What is it?"

He's a good guy that hasn't given up on her. She wishes that he did, a long time ago, so they don't have to be here and she doesn't have to become the enemy.

"It's not. I'm sorry, but this isn't happening."

He walks closer to her, tries to make a private moment private again. "I swear to god," he starts to whisper, "you walk out of here and that's it. This is the last time, Jade. The last time."

She looks at how heartbroken he is and wishes that this is – that he is - what she wants. But she sighs and pushes the small bouquet of tied up fresh flowers into his hands.

"Beck, for the both of us, I fucking hope so."

She takes a final glance at her stunned friends behind her before she pushes past him. When she passes the threshold, she doesn't dare look back once. She hears echoes of her friends' protestations behind her but she ignores them all. She doesn't hear anything but the off-beat sounds of the pulsation of her heart in her ears and the clicks of her heels on the floor. She pushes past the city hall doors and gasps for air, trying to regain some sense of control.

She resists the urge to lean on the walls of city hall and cry, so she rushes to the streets and hails a cab instead.

She doesn't get a taxi until the seventh one stops for her and the very first thing that she does when she's inside the cab is take off her shoes.

.

When she gets home from city hall, she barges into the apartment and is quick to undress herself from her wedding dress as if staying any moment longer in it is physically suffocating her. She struggles to get the zipper down and it's only with a giant tug that the whole thing comes off and she's standing half-naked in the bedroom.

It takes a couple of minutes to get her breathing back to normal. In nothing but her underwear, she sits on the bed and stares at the pile of her broken promise. She wants nothing but tears to pour out, to justify the sadness and guilt engulfing her. But her face is dry, all of her make-up in place.

She bitterly laughs at how just mere hours ago, she's in the same spot, half-naked, but with the purpose of getting married.

She wonders how she can change her decision so easily just as she wonders if any tears will come.

.

She falls asleep on the floor of their bedroom.

She pretends to still be sleeping when she hears Beck come in and open dresser drawers. She can feel his eyes bore into her back when he finishes packing, like he's willing her to turn around. But she doesn't move a muscle and before Jade can think about it, she hears the front door slam.

Jade begs for tears, but none show.

.

The first thing she does when she wakes up the next morning is take all of her suitcases from under the bed and plop it on top of it. She doesn't even think about what she's doing, just frantically walks around the whole apartment, rummages around and gathers her belongings. She's afraid that Beck is going to appear back into their apartment and have an unwanted confrontation. But it's a welcomed surprise to her when Cat's the one at the door, tentatively poking her red head in.

"Jaaaade?" she calls out, "can I come in?"

"No." It comes out more as a reflex than any kind of considered response; there isn't a hint of malice in it. So Cat gingerly steps forward before closing the door with a small click. Jade doesn't notice Cat remaining still, how she doesn't take a step, just keeps her hands behind her, clutching at the door.

"Jade, what are you doing?"

"Making waffles, Cat. What else does it look like?"

Cat shrugs and Jade sighs. She can't find it in herself to even act normal. "I have to get out of here."

"Can't you two just talk this out? I'm sure he'll be okay with taking you back and talking with you. He's very understanding."

She stops her manic packing and turns around to face her best friend. "I don't want to talk about anything. And I don't want him to take me back."

"Oh."

Jade resumes her packing. She's moved on to quickly pulling books and manuscripts out of the shelves and dumping them in one of the boxes cluttering the floor. She has to ask Cat to repeat herself when the papers fall with a thud, covering Cat's words.

"Well, what do you want, then?"

Jade regrets her decision asking Cat to repeat herself.

"I don't know. That's the problem," she says softly, but it rings loud in her ears.

Cat walks around to stand beside her near the bed. "That's okay. Someday, you'll find something or someone that you'll want."

Jade stares at her for a moment, but says nothing. She pushes the suitcase and sits on the edge of the bed. Cat wordlessly joins her.

"Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"I don't know. If it feels right, then I don't think so. Does it feel right?"

She nods, biting her lip. "How is he?"

"He's messed up, but the guys are with him now. He's over at Robbie's."

"He'll never forgive me, you know."

Jade feels Cat's hand over hers. "He will. It's probably just going to take time."

Before she even has a chance to protest, Cat's head is already on her shoulders and her arms have wound themselves around her. She affords herself the consolation because even though she's the one that broke his heart, she broke her own too.

When she's worked enough out of her system, she stands from the bed and resumes filling boxes and suitcases of her belongings, a quick dash of emptying her home of herself. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore than she already has. So she appreciates it when Cat starts taking the rest of her folded clothes in her dresser and brings it to the suitcase.

"So where are you going?"

"I'm not sure. I just need to get out of here."

Cat nods quietly and slows her pace. Jade stops her packing altogether and looks at the redhead beside her.

"What?"

"Well, are you leaving for good or…"

Jade hasn't thought about anything but her escape; she's forgotten about everything else.

"I think it'd be a good idea that I'm just not around." She knows it's not an answer, but Cat's not pushing for more so she leaves it as it is.

"Well, as long as you still come see me. I don't want you breaking up with us, too."

"I won't."

"Good, you better not."

Cat stands a little taller, a smile etched on her face, and continues helping her put her things away. Jade fights the urge to give Cat a big hug for being understanding. Instead, she zips up the suitcase and opens another one, and starts filling it up with more of her clothes.

.

Jade has somehow collected her things from their (once) shared apartment. She forces herself not to stop and reminisce about the relationship she ruined. She fools herself with a mental list of her things, ignoring the memories attached to each one.

When she thinks that she's gathered all of her things, she looks out over the half-empty apartment. She's reluctant to do it, but she otherwise scribbles out a note for him to find.

_Beck,_

_If you find anything else I might have left behind, just throw it away. If they had been important, I would have remembered._

_Jade_

She stares at the piece of paper in front of her. She wants to just be done with it, but she concedes defeat. She writes down some words and tries to be as mechanical about it as possible. When she releases the pen, she doesn't bother to look at what she's written. She folds the paper in half and carefully places it on the kitchen counter.

With the last of her things, she walks away from another door with abandoned things she left behind.

.

Later, when Jade is driving away with a car packed to the brim with her stuff, Beck will find a note on the kitchen counter. And he will be reluctant to read it.

_P.S._

_There will never be enough apologies that would get you to forgive me. But I hope that someday, you could anyway._

He will crumple her note, the last of her around him, and he will throw it away.

.

Days later, Jade reaches the apartment four hours away that her cousin subleases out to her. She unlocks the door to an open space. It's quaint and it's empty, the emptiness echoes loud in her ears.

She's exhausted, but she uses the last of her energy in bringing in as much of her stuff up the three flights of stairs as she possibly can. She falls asleep on a flat sheet she throws on the mattress she didn't bother to push to her bedroom. She shoves it by the giant bay window and watches the city lights and shadows play around her walls, her ceiling.

Jade doesn't think the tears are ever coming so when she accidentally brushes her hand by her face, she's surprised her cheeks are damp.

/

_**Mid-May** _

She wishes she prepared herself this morning.

She wishes she left her heart at home.

.

Tori sits in the car, her hands hang loose on the ten and two position of the steering wheel. Her eyes can't concentrate on one particular thing in front of her.

"I just mean-," she hears beside her. "You don't really think this is working anymore, do you?"

Her wandering eyes finally settle on the woman on the passenger seat. "What? I thought this was going great!"

"Yeah, it was. But I don't know. It's just not working out for me. It's not you, Tori. It's me. Plus, we just want other things."

Tori scoffs her disbelief. "No, Emily,  _you_  want other things."

"Can we still be friends?" Emily asks quietly.

"Are you serious?"

"Look, Tori. I told you it's not you. You're such a great person, but I just need time for myself right now."

Her words are soft and she's uncertain if she means them, but she utters them anyway. "I'll think about it."

Emily smiles at her and has the gall to touch her arm, but Tori lets her, lets the touch sting her. The sob that's pushing past her throat gets harder to stamp down.

"You should go."

She keeps her eyes forward when Emily steps out of the car and pushes her head back in through the window.

"I hope we can still be friends."

Tori nods once, not moving at all, her grip on the wheel tightening with each passing second.

She backs out of the driveway, wanting nothing but to leave as soon as humanly possible. A look of horror plasters her face when she hears a small thud on the side of her car. She quickly sticks her head out of the window and checks into what she may have hit.

It's not lost on Tori when a miniscule part of her wishes it to be Emily. But she pushes those thoughts away when she hears her now ex-girlfriend's voice.

"You just bumped into the trash can."

"I'm so sorry! That was an accident!"

Emily holds her hand up. Tori doesn't need any other sign for her to leave. So she puts the car in drive and speeds away; her deafening sadness the only company she keeps in the car with her.

.

When Tori arrives at her door, she barely gets the key in the lock as the tears blur her vision. When she finally does get inside, she drops everything. She leans on the door before collapsing to the floor, barely beating the stream of tears that have already passed her cheeks. She pulls her legs close to her, and buries her head in her hands.

She picks up her head when she hears her phone go off. When she looks at it, she sees a message from Emily asking if she's okay. Without a second thought, she hurls her phone across the room and buries her head in her hands again, muffling an angry scream.

She inevitably falls asleep from exhaustion. She wakes up on her floor completely disoriented with a crick in her neck. She hardly makes it to her bed but she trudges on, convincing herself that heartbreak is much more bearable on a soft bed than on hardwood floors.

.

Tori can't do anything the next day, still dressed in her post-break up clothes.

She wonders when she's going to get the hang of it; when they all stop telling her that it's not her, it's them.

She wonders if it even matters anymore.

.

Trina shows up three days later to an almost unrecognizable sister. Tori gets dragged from her bed and into her bathtub, despite her screams of protests.

"I worked really hard to get us a spot at this restaurant," Trina tells Tori as her sister holds on to the shower head and gives her a bath, even if she's still in her clothes. "And you're going, even if I have to haul your ass."

Tori eventually gets control of the shower head and pushes it away, sputtering with all the water in her mouth. "Sleeping with one of the waiters doesn't count as working really hard."

"You watch your mouth and stop being ungrateful," Trina says taking a handful of shampoo and recklessly scrubbing her hair with it.

"Okay, fucking stop!" Tori says. "I'll take a bath. Just stop."

Her sister stares at her. "Fine. I'll be right here. So I know you're not lying." Despite her protests, Trina sits on the toilet cover and stares at her. With a groan, Tori yanks the shower curtain closed and gets undressed; she throws her wet clothes by her sister with smug satisfaction.

"What did I say about being ungrateful?  _Anyway_ , Javier and I are getting ready to take the next step in our relationship."

Tori rolls her eyes as she scrubs shampoo in her hair while she thinks about her current predicament. She reminds herself to hold another pity party later when Trina leaves because she's certain that getting dragged by your own sister into to the bathroom to bathe is hitting a new low.

"Tori don't roll your eyes at me. I don't need your judgment."

For once that day, she doesn't resist the small smile of amusement on her face.

.

Tori has to appreciate how much effort Trina, though misguided, is putting in trying to console her, even as her sister currently ogles their waiter, Javier. It's only after Javier has left to put in their orders that Tori swears she hears a familiar voice. Like finding an incessant fly, she furiously looks around her to figure out where the sounds are coming from.

"Tori, can you not look so insane? This is a formal establishment, not McDonalds."

She ignores Trina and twists her body to turn around before she witnesses a particular someone at the table behind her. She snaps back into place and shrinks into her seat, hiding behind her napkin.

"Trina, we have to get out of here."

"What? No, Javier was about to get us some bread with that apple butter stuff."

"No!" she whispers loudly. "You don't understand. Emily is right behind us and I don't really wanna be near her right now."

Tori peeks past her napkin as her sister squints at Emily's general direction.

"Who's that girl she's with?"

"Probably just some friends or something, to help make her feel better about the break up. Kind of what you're doing."

"Um, no. Last I checked I wasn't giving you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to revive your broken heart."

"What?" Tori pops up in her seat, like a jack-in-the-box and swivels to get a better look.

"Yeah, we were unofficial for like four months and then she and I made it official about two months ago," she hears.

Tori quickly calculates the math and when she reaches the answer, she sees nothing but red.

She can't believe it. Trina waves for her attention, but she doesn't react. She decides to take matters into her own hands. She disregards her sister calling out for her and stands up, manhandling the refill pitcher of soda away from one of the waiters and walking towards Emily's table. Adrenaline has taken over and she's on auto-pilot.

Without any preamble, she pours the soda over Emily's head slow and steady, a wave of complete satisfaction consuming her. She stands unfazed as Emily and the woman beside her squeal in surprise and the rest of the patrons gasp in horror.

"You're an asshole. Time for yourself my ass."

Emily attempts to explain herself, but her words come out as incoherent sputtering. Tori puts her hand up and Emily reluctantly abandons trying to speak. Tori deviates her attention from Emily to, literally, the other woman. "Did you know about me?"

The woman shifts her attention between Emily looking horrified and Tori glaring at her.

"Don't look at her, I'm the one asking you a question."

"Y-yes, but it's not like-"

"Shut up. You're an asshole too."

Tori chucks the now empty pitcher at the other woman who barely has enough time to catch it without hitting her in the face. She stomps out and away before management has a chance to kick her out. Trina lags behind just enough to shake her head at them.

"Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" she says with a smug look on her face. Tori yells for her and Trina is trailing behind sister until she quickly runs back and picks up the full bread basket from Emily's table. She sticks her tongue out at them before scurrying after her sister again.

Tori's fuming as she holds a death grip on the steering wheel, almost hyperventilating.

"I can't believe this is happening right now. I am so mad!" Tori repeatedly bangs the steering wheel with the palm of her hand.

Trina quietly watches, nibbling on her freshly stolen bread. "Let it out sister."

"Trina."

"What? Come on, you're upset. Just get really mad. Let it out. Throw some punches. Slash her tires," she says before she takes another bite. "Oh! Oh! Steal some of that Lancôme makeup that she has that I told you I really liked but couldn't afford. That'll really show her."

Tori glares at her. "You're not helping."

"What do you want me to do? She cheated on you in your boring relationship."

"It was not boring! She was the love of my life!"

Trina stares at her past the bread roll in her hand. "What? Really? You fell in love with that bitchy skank hoe from that boring relationship you were in? How?"

"Trina."

"What?"

"It was  _not_  boring."

"Oh come on," Trina says with a bite of bread in her mouth. "I'm not saying you deserve to be cheated on because you don't. I'm saying she probably cheated on you for any of the following reasons: because she has deep psychological issues, she was probably bored out of her fucking mind, or she's just an asshole. But I'd bet it's all three."

"What?"

"Look, Tori. I'm going to say this to you because I'm your sister and I love you and I know more than you. But you're a simple girl. And not the fun simple. Ever since high school, you went from young and the restless to old and dying."

"I have not!"

"What time did you go to bed last night on your  _day off_?"

"Ten, but that's because I was tired from the night before!"

Trina puts her hand up and Tori slumps back down. "And how old are you?"

"Twenty-five."

"Yeah, what's up with that, grandma? Look, you're young and beautiful – but obviously not as beautiful as me. You might as well just kind of hang out and start fresh. Try and live a little. Do that travelling thing you always wanted to do. It's one thing to have stability, sis, but what's the point if there is no fun?"

Tori sighs. She knows her sister's right. It's not exactly surprising news to know that she's played it safe for a long time. "How'd you get so smart?"

"Excuse you!" Trina scoffs. "I was always smart."

"Thanks, Trina."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just get something to eat. I'm starving."

Tori is incredulous when she stares at her sister. "You just ate that whole basket of bread!"

"Yeah, and? That was the  _appetizer_. Now that I'm  _appetized_ , I'm ready to go eat the main course."

Tori shakes her head before pulling out of the parking lot and driving to another local restaurant. When they reach a light and she makes a left turn instead of a right, Trina perks up from her seat.

"Wait, Tor."

"What?"

"You and I both know this is not the way to Rita's Taco Heaven."

"Just a little detour. Don't worry, you'll get your meal. I just have to stop by somewhere."

"Are you gonna buy a gun?" Trina asks curiously. Tori repeatedly glances at her as she keeps an eye out on the road. "What? You could! Guns are sexy."

"No guns. Just a little payback."

Tori slows when she gets into a neighborhood. She makes a couple of sharp turns and Trina has no choice but to grip the door handle. Tori pushes down on the gas pedal when they reach Emily's street and swerves to the other side of the street. Trina doesn't realize what's happening until she hears a thud from the front of the car.

"Oh my god what was that?"

Tori smirks from her seat, another dose of adrenaline rushing through her body. "Karmic retribution."

.

A week later, Tori's in the midst of hauling her things in random boxes when she decides to call Trina.

"Why are you breathing har-oh my god, Tori, I swear if you're having sex and you're calling me, I'm going to rip your hair out," Trina greets.

"I'm gonna move."

"So you're not having a mindless one-night stand in the middle of the afternoon like I told you?"

"What?"

"What?"

"No, that's not-" Tori huffs as she attempts to get the conversation back on track. "That's not what's happening."

"Then why are you interrupting my afternoon massage?"

"I thought about what you said about travelling and starting fresh and all that stuff. And, I don't know, just decided to go for it. Be more spontaneous or something."

"But who's gonna hang out with me?"

"I don't know. Aren't you and Javier taking your relationship to the next step?"

"Ugh, don't ever mention his name ever again. He was taking his relationship to the next step in Becky's pants."

"Sorry to hear that," she says as she fails to cover her laughter.

"It's whatever. Anyway, so you're moving and abandoning your favorite sister. Keep going."

Tori sighs. "Nope, that's it. I talked to someone from work and she says that there's a club that's recently opened like four hours away. So if I wanted to jump on it, I could."

They're quiet for a time and Tori almost calls out to her sister. Tori doesn't mention it, but she hears a distinct sniffling on the other line. "Well, as long as you don't move to some cow town or something because I don't look good in farm chic, ok? It's just not in my color palette."

Tori laughs and lets Trina talk about future plans of visiting her. It's comforting to know that her sister tries to keep things under control as best as she can.

.

It surprises Tori at how quickly she packs her life away. She imagined it'd take her at least a week, maybe more. But seething rage becomes a great motivator. She packs half of her things just to trash the other half. She's left with nothing but a cast shadow from the hallway light when Trina stands beside her.

"You got everything?"

"Yep."

Tori gives her sister a hug and wipes a solitary tear that's suddenly found itself on Trina's cheek. She gets in her car and drives off, sees her sister in the rearview mirror waving goodbye before turning a corner.

/

_**Late May** _

Jade only realizes that a neighbor moved in across the hall until late one night when she finds stacked boxes in the corner of their hallway after she gets home from a late movie. She hopes that the neighbor isn't psychotic. But she thinks maybe that would be good. Someone else can be crazier than she is for once.

.

Settling isn't as hard as Jade expects. Cat's already visited a couple of times, after Jade finished putting her things away and the apartment looked more like a real home than a storage locker.

"Are you making any friends?" Cat asks when they're sitting by the giant bay window in her living room.

"I don't need to make any of those."

"Why not?"

"I already have you," she says as she takes a sip of her coffee. She tries to avoid the goofy smile on Cat's face by adding Robbie's and Andre's name but the damage is done. She's not up for the fight so she lets Cat hug her for it.

They let themselves talk about everything under the sun to catch each other up, to normalize Jade's decisions.

They talk about everything but him.

.

Jade goes on with an ordinary life. She resents it for being so predictable, but she thinks maybe this will be good for her. She doubts it, though.

What she doesn't predict is acquiring a job downtown as a voice instructor to children. What's more surprising is that she doesn't actually hate it.

.

She doesn't think about the neighbor across the hall. She figures that whoever they are must have different hours than she does because she never sees them. But it's by a mix-up from their mail that Jade's neighbor falls back into her radar.

When she sees the name, she thinks it's a prank. It takes a while to reel back in from her shock. After she returns from downstairs, she stares at the door across the hall. She contemplates about slipping the envelope under the door but holds off on the idea and takes it in with her.

She lets the mail sit on her coffee table. She tries not to pay attention to it, but her thoughts gravitate back to it every time she's in her apartment at all. It's a gamble, to reveal herself, but she figures that it's worth something, at the very least for the shock value.

So she waits three days before she finally decides to knock.

/

_**Early June** _

Tori's trying her hand (again) at cooking. She's hoping that the red wine actually makes it to the pan with the chicken instead of just her sipping from the bottle like she did the first time she tried cooking. She's in the middle of explaining to her appliances what makes this chicken marsala so delicious to make in the summer time when she hears a knock at the door. She wants to ignore it and keep going back to her fantasy of becoming a Food Network Star but the knocking doesn't relent.

Growling in frustration, she places her spatula on the edge of the pan before running to the door. When she pulls the door open, nothing could have prepared her for what she sees.

Tori is rooted in her spot by the door. She doesn't – or can't – react when Jade West is standing in front of her with an all too familiar smirk on her face. She barely registers that there are words coming out of Jade's mouth when Jade raises her hand and brings an envelope up to her face.

Jade's smirk widens.

"Tori Vega, you've got mail."


	2. Part Two

_What if I held my breath so long_

_Would you notice the silence had lasted so long_

;;

_**Early June** _

Tori shifts her attention between the envelope and Jade.

"What?" is all she manages to spit out.

"This," Jade taps with her index finger, "is your mail. It got put in mine accidentally."

"What?"

"Yeah, I live across the hall. Right there," Jade points gestures with her other hand behind her.

"What?" Jade rolls her eyes because, honestly.

"Vega, I will cut your tongue off if you say 'what' again."

Before Tori has a chance to dumbly repeat herself, Jade steps forward past her, looking particularly confused. She sniffs around for a second before they make eye contact again. "Are you trying to cook your kitchen?"

Tori's eyes widen in panic as she jumps from the shock of Jade's surprise appearance to the realization that she left the stove on. She runs to the kitchen and finds her chicken marsala on fire. She screams in horror before throwing the water – and in sheer panic, the water pitcher – at the stove.

"Nooooo!" She groans in frustration for the demise of her ruined attempt of dinner. She doesn't even notice Jade filling the space beside her and inspecting the rest of her kitchen.

"You could do with more charring over there."

She glares at Jade. But the irritation is short lived when she remembers that she has nothing to eat. Petulant, she whines. "That was my dinner."

Jade laughs. "It's not the end of the world, Vega. You also look really pathetic pouting like that."

"That was dinner and I am so hungry."

Jade rolls her eyes. "Jeeze. What are you, five? Come on, we'll get you some food. Some better food than this mess."

Tori slumps dejected before throwing the dishtowel on the kitchen sink, her official sign of defeat. It's only when she turns around and away from her kitchen that it dawns on her. "Wait, you're being nice."

Tori follows Jade's form as the other woman meanders through her apartment. Jade is scanning the photo frames lining the table behind the couch, mindless in her exploration around Tori's home. She carries on with the conversation not once paying any such attention to Tori as if it's a common occurrence between them. "Yeah, to myself. Because no one wants to listen to you whine." Tori meets Jade's eyes when she shifts her gaze from a photo frame on the table. "Least of all me."

Tori doesn't get a chance to say anything else because Jade has abandoned the photographs and makes her way to the door.

"Are you coming or are you going to eat your burnt bird?"

The noise emitting from Tori's stomach is enough motivation to leave her failed endeavor behind. She plucks her purse off the table and crosses the length of her apartment, joining Jade at the doorway.

/

Jade can't recall any other time in her life that she has been as happy to see Tori as she is tonight. She doesn't idle with the thought knowing she's just purposefully invited Tori to dinner.

/

They travel about two blocks away from their building with Jade about a step ahead each time. Tori doesn't complain about how far she's walking because her mind is much too preoccupied with the idea that Jade West lives across from her. That Jade West has, in fact, invited her to dinner.

She has yet to stamp down her shock that Jade is with her now, of all places. They're seated by a young woman who seems to already be acquainted with Jade.

"You already know the people that work here?"

"Just Joan. The first week I was here in town, I just ate here every day."

Tori can't ignore the dreamlike feeling that surges through her as she sits across a Jade she's not familiar with, not anymore. She wonders just how much has changed with her, between the two of them. It's not until Joan has passed out their waters that Tori rediscovers the use of her big girl words.

"So what are you doing here?" She visibly cringes; she hoped it would come out sounding more polite.

Jade, to her credit, doesn't react differently and simply continues browsing through the menu. "Trying to eat."

"No, I mean in the city. Why are you here in the city?"

Jade is slow to respond, affording her glass of water more attention as she sips on it. Tori feels that she's crossed a line and prepares a quick apology in her head but she doesn't get the opportunity when Jade pipes up.

"My lease ended. I had to move away. And I figured why not this awesome town."

Jade's response doesn't satisfy Tori's curiosity, but she reckons that she's done enough probing for now. She wonders about Jade's previous life and why there is a seemingly absent person in her life. But she offers Jade a tight smile instead. "That's cool, I guess."

"What about you? What's the reason your mail would ever get mixed up with mine?"

Tori weighs her options. Perhaps being so forthcoming with her life story sounds more like a scare tactic than an invitation for conversation, but she's already suspended her disbelief as she sits across from Jade. So she gambles on the possibilities.

"I left because, um…my girlfriend cheated on me."

"Oh?" Jade asks with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"This was recent?"

"Yeah."

"Who was it with?"

Tori hesitates before opening her mouth. "Someone she used to know, someone from her past."

Jade nods once, still staring at her. Tori controls herself from squirming under Jade's unrelenting gaze; she barely succeeds, but only after Jade asks her a question.

"Did you key her car?"

Tori laughs a little, barely hides the surprise of Jade acting so candidly tonight. "Poured a pitcher of soda over the both of them."

Jade's smirk turns into a smile. Tori watches as she twirls her wine glass by the stem. "Classic."

Tori mirrors her smile and settles into her seat more comfortably. "And ran over her garbage can."

Jade laughs out loud and it's a pleasantly welcomed noise that Tori can't help but join along. When their laughter dies down, Jade eyes fall on her once more.

"I didn't think you had it in you."

"Me either, to be honest."

"Well, Vega," Jade starts, as she leans over and raises her hand to catch Joan's attention. Before she reaches their table, Tori finds herself leaning forward too and carefully paying attention to Jade. "This calls for a round of alcohol."

.

"Okay, scale of 1 to 10, how surprised were you when I showed up at your doorstep?"

"I may have shit my pants," Tori says between giggles and sips of her margarita as Jade throws her head back in laughter.

They're on their second round of margaritas and Jade's cheeks are already tinted pink. Tori fights the urge to reach across the table and touch them. So she clutches at the edges of the table as her alternative.

.

They settle in a companionable lull. Tori rests her head on her hand, completely satisfied with the meal, the drinks, and the company.

"I was apprehensive to come along earlier, you know."

"Did you think I was going to lead you into some dark alley and tell you that you had to dumpster dive for your dinner?"

Tori snorts but she nods because even if she doesn't think of that precise circumstance, she originally thought something like that wasn't out of the realm of possibility. "Yeah, kind of. I mean, when was the last time I saw you? God, how long has it been?"

"High school," Jade supplies.

"Yeah, high school. It's been eight years. I don't really have a good reference point about you anymore."

Tori's noticed the hair color back to its original brown hair. There are no longer any locks of differently dyed hair, just all brown and natural. The piercing on Jade's eyebrow is still there, though. It was one of those things Tori knows she can never pull off, but believes people like Jade can pull off effortlessly. Tori even surprises herself when she finally notices that Jade isn't wearing anything black.

Jade's wearing a red plaid button down. And jeans. Tori thinks that colors definitely suit Jade more.

"I suppose that's true."

"Are you still the same as you were in high school?"

Jade sets her eyes out onto the other customers and purses her lips, mulling her answer. "God, I hope not. I'm less of a bitch, I guess. Apparently you have to continually be a lot nicer to children."

Tori props herself on her elbows and leans forward, raising her eyebrow. "Children?"

"Yeah, I know."

"But you hate children!"

"Things change, Vega. I'm a voice teacher for children."

"No you're not," she cries in disbelief.

"Oh, yeah. I totally am. And those kids love me." Jade sits back on her chair, her arms spread out, her hands touching the corners of their table. "What about you? I've yet to hear you on radio stations singing about polishing things to shine or something."

Tori snorts before shaking her head. "Those days are over," she offers. "I don't know. It's like you said, you know, things just changed. I still love singing, but now it's just a hobby."

"So what do you do now besides seek vengeance against cheating whores?"

"I do a lot of PR stuff and booking for clubs."

"Well," Jade starts, "I guess we're different people after all."

Tori wants to respond, but loses the chance when Joan walks up to them and places their check on the table. Jade reaches for it but Tori puts her hand on top of hers.

"No, I'll pay for this one." Jade pauses, raises an eyebrow.

"You don't have to."

"No, I know. But I figured I could for putting up with my whining and showing me this place. I insist," she says as she tugs at the check and pulls it closer to her.

Jade raises her hand and relents.

"Well, you were whining a lot earlier."

Tori nods and smiles; she bites her tongue when she wants to tell Jade that she hopes this happens again soon.

.

They walk back together in relative silence. This time, Tori's keeping up with Jade as they take identical strides. When they reach the landing of their floor, she turns to Jade who has a small smile on her lips and a tinge of pink in her otherwise pale cheeks.

Tori walks up to her door and turns around. "This is me."

Jade snorts. "God, Vega. We're not on a date or anything."

"Well, I did pay for dinner."

"Whatever."

Tori chuckles as she unceremoniously waves goodbye before walking in her apartment. Before she shuts her door, she hears Jade call after her.

"Hey Vega, I had fun."

"This isn't a date, Jade," she replies with a smirk on her face. Jade only rolls her eyes.

"You wish it was."

"Good night," Tori says offering a warm smile.

Jade doesn't answer her and she doesn't wait for one. She softly closes her door and leans against it giving herself a moment to breathe. She can't get rid of the smile on her face as she quietly heads to her room. She has no idea what made her change her mind earlier, saying yes instead of no, but she's glad she did. She almost doesn't mind that she still has to clean her kitchen.

/

**_Mid-June_ **

Jade doesn't go out of her way to see Tori anymore after dinner that one night.

She reasons that they're not that kind of friends. She doesn't walk across the hall and invite Tori to join her for a movie or for coffee or even small talk. She doesn't keep an ear perked up to listen for Tori's door.

She doesn't do anything to make their tentative friendship progress forward. But, in her defense, she doesn't do anything to push it back. She thinks that's as much progress as anything.

.

She almost misses the note on her door as she's too preoccupied with the clipped stack of papers she's reading through. Her shoulder scrapes it off her door and lands on the page she's reading.

_Been busy with the club, but I'm free tonight for dinner if you would like to join me. 7 pm, same place._

_-Tori_

Jade enters her apartment and uses the note as a page marker for the stack before placing it on the coffee table. She snacks on some carrots from the refrigerator and continues her reading; she doesn't miss the smile on her face before waking her phone up to check the time before dinner.

She doesn't question it when she's already made up her mind about going.

.

The notes on her door become routine. She always accepts the invitation and meets with Tori at precisely 7 every Tuesday night for dinner. Eventually, Tori stops with the notes but the dinners continue.

They sit in one of Joan's tables, order their usual, and they talk about their week apart from one another.

_"We were auditioning for a DJ and he was terrible, I thought I was going to lose my hearing."_

_"One of my girls just wants to sing really well so she can tour with Justin Bieber. I had to break it to her that he's well over half her age. She's kind of an idiot, but I mean, I can't judge her out loud. Apparently you don't do that to children."_

It's not until she has to reschedule an appointment on a Tuesday with a new applicant that she realizes that she has standing dinner dates with Tori.

.

After their latest dinner, they decide to go for some frozen yogurt. They're sitting on one of the benches when Jade reveals parts of herself that she's tried to hide from everyone. She lets the words tumble down from her mouth to the ground.

She doesn't expect for Tori to pick them up.

"I left Beck at the altar."

Tori snaps her head at Jade's direction, almost choking on the cut up strawberry that she's chewing on.

"It was more in front of the judge and our closest friends, but I mean, same difference."

"Is that- no, it's not my business."

"Just spit it out."

"Is that why you're here by yourself?" She knows Tori's just asking but it feels more like a taunt that pricks at the skin on the back of her neck. Jade tries to avoid Tori's searching gaze as she waits patiently for her response. Jade shoves a spoonful of yogurt in her mouth and draws her eyes away.

"Yep."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Jade snorts aloud. "We're not exactly the sharing type, Vega."

They go back to their respective cups and no one breaks the silence. It's not until Tori's put away her cup to the side that she looks at Jade again. "Thanks for telling me."

"Yeah, well, don't mention it. Really."

In the corner of her eye, she can see Tori biting her lip. She looks away when Tori moves her head up to look at her. "I'm sorry that you two didn't work out."

The words leave her mouth like an escaped prisoner.

"Not as sorry as I am."

She doesn't want it to sound as bitter and resentful as she feels, but she's certain that Tori can feel the sting of it anyway.

"I always thought you two would make it. I mean, you guys had been dating for so long."

"That's what everyone thought, too."

Tori turns her head to face her so she purposefully keeps her eyes distant, watches each passing stranger that walks by.

"But you didn't?"

She narrows her eyes as she shifts her body and turns to look at Tori.

"I'm not gonna say I didn't hope it would last, but a part of me always just kind of knew."

"I'm sure you'll find your someone out there."

She doesn't say anything, doesn't let the conversation advance. She can feel Tori's eyes boring into her but she refuses to turn, to let Tori see her. Eventually – thankfully – Tori relents and they're quietly sitting together eating the rest of their yogurt.

She looks out onto the parking lot as Tori looks out onto the sky.

.

Jade hesitates sharing her new formed friendship with Tori to Cat when the other woman comes for a visit. She can't pinpoint a particular reason, just has an inkling that whatever it is, it's probably completely selfish.

"Oh my goodness, I didn't realize you two lived across the hall!"

"Yep."

"Do you two hang out?"

"Not really." Her lie sits uncomfortably in her mouth so she changes course. "I mean, we have dinners on Tuesdays sometimes. But that's really it."

"That's so great, Jade! Is she still the same? She kind of just disappeared after high school, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. And yeah, she's still good old Tori," she says, not once glancing at Cat. She doesn't want to have to remember.

Cat doesn't seem to notice a change in her demeanor and instead excitedly asks for Jade to invite Tori to dinner the next time she's in town. Jade just nods, tells her that she'll try.

They spend the rest of their night playing catch up. Cat accidentally mentions his name once and Jade attempts to regain her composure. She comforts Cat and tells her that she's fine even as Cat repeatedly apologizes.

When Cat leaves her with her thoughts, she discovers that it's the first time in a long time that she's thought of him at all. Her discovery rests uneasy in her mind for the rest of the night.

/

After their first dinner, Tori initially hesitates inviting Jade to dinner again. But she risks it and leaves a note on her door. She invites Jade to dinner until invitations were no longer necessary. From time to time, she would wonder what made Jade go with her to dinner every week. Once, she gets brave enough to ask. She expects a sarcastic answer. But to her surprise, Jade just shrugs.

"The food is good, the alcohol is great and sometimes you pay for dinner. I'd settle for any dinner like that."

She can't keep the smile off of her face for the rest of that evening.

/

Jade admits that she goes for the food. But she doesn't say that she stays for the company.

/

Tori casually drops the information of her Tuesday dinners on Trina on their way to the movies.

"Hold it, Tori Vega."

"What, we're going to be late for the movie. You're the one that wanted to get to the theater early so you can have front row seats to the 3D spectacle that is Justin Bieber's body."

"First of all, don't diss the Biebs, okay? He is our generation's Justin Timberlake, so you better respect. Secondly, you can't just tell me that you've been having dinners with Jade "I-drink-the-blood-of-tiny-unicorn-babies" West like it's not a big deal."

Tori stops in the middle of the parking lot and glares at her sister.

"She does not drink unicorn baby bl-look, where does that even come from? And I'm telling you like it's no big deal because it's  _not_."

"Over my dead curvaceous body it's not."

"What?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Tor."

Tori sighs but doesn't meet her sister's eyes. "Look, she's fine. We're friends. Besides, it's only once a week."

Trina stares at her sister before sighing, still looking rather suspiciously at her. "If you say so."

"Yeah, I do."

Trina eyes her curiously but says nothing else, seems to have dropped the subject. Tori doesn't press her luck, just follows her sister as they head in to the movie theater.

.

She gets dropped off in front of her apartment building afterwards. As she slowly climbs out of the car her sister, in an uncharacteristic seriousness, holds on to her arm.

"Just be careful, Tor."

"Thanks, but I'll be fine. I promise." Tori stares right back at her sister and waits until Trina eventually releases her arm.

When she exits, she offers her sister a small wave and a tight smile.

She doesn't sleep well that night.

.

She wakes up the next morning with a certain heaviness that settles in her chest and she wonders if she's making a mistake.

But when Jade knocks on her door and bargains to borrow some milk in exchange for two pieces of waffles, she decides to disregard her sister's concerns. She's a grown woman. And she knows better now.

To make her point, Tori spends the morning sitting on Jade's bar eating waffles for breakfast.

/

**_Late July_ **

By the middle of the summer their weekly dinners slowly turn into biweekly dinners. Their meals bleed into lunch. And then breakfast. Their meal times blur into breaks, before and after work hang outs, and spontaneous movie nights in Tori's apartment.

What started as one dinner on a Tuesday to catch up becomes a weekly schedule filled with Tori. When they're both home, their doors are left unlocked. Their friendship takes on an odd reminiscence of a college dorm life, when either of them has easy and free access across the hall to the other person, knocking no longer necessary.

_"Are you sure you should be cooking? Pancakes is kid stuff, but lest we forget, you almost set your kitchen on fire."_

_"I have to attend a meeting with the club's shareholders or whatever. One of them is such a skeeze so help me pick out which one is the most conservative without looking like a nun."_

.

Jade startles awake one night; it leaves a tightening in her chest she can't explain. The details are hazy. All she remembers is a shadowy figure, a girl, spinning around the room – a blur of flowing brown hair.

She can't tell if it's hers or not.

.

They're sitting on Tori's living room floor eating from boxes of pad Tai when Tori mentions the name of a girl. Heather. The new bartender at the club.

Jade shifts in her seat, adjusts herself before sipping from her glass of wine. She's quiet when she waits for Tori to elaborate, her eyes trained on the box of noodles.

"Already moving on?"

"It's not like that," Tori admonishes.

"Oh, so you just wanna do her." Jade wants to believe it's a question, but she knows otherwise. She laughs it off, though; she waggles her eyebrows to show Tori that she's just kidding.

"Jade!"

"What? It's true isn't it? Yes it is, Jade," she says, playfully answering herself, a smirk on her lips; she waits for Tori to laugh and it calms her heart when she sees Tori join her.

"Whatever, this isn't an attempt to have anything serious. Just something fun and casual."

"Never would have pegged you for the fun and casual type, Vega."

"You'd never peg me for a lot of things," Tori says with a cocked eyebrow as she sips from her glass.

Jade nods appreciatively. "Touché." She extends her wine glass. "To your future booty call!"

Tori rolls her eyes, but clinks their glasses together anyway.

They resume dinner like normal. But for a moment, Jade can't explain the small flare of jealousy she feels in her gut.

/

**_Early August_ **

Tori waits for the phone to ring.

"Did you know that children are sometimes funny?" Jade muses as her way of greeting.

"Uh, sometimes? And sometimes they're brats."

"Okay, fair enough. What's up?"

"Listen, so you remember that girl I mentioned to you last week?"

"Did she get fired?"

"What, that's-"

"Is she the head of a Colombian drug ring?"

"No! She doesn'-"

"Oh, she got deported to Russia."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tori asks confused as Jade continues playing her own guessing game. "No, okay? No Russia or Colombian drug rings. I called to tell you that Tuesday nights are her only nights off."

"So?"

" _So_  I was gonna go grab dinner with her, but she's only free on Tuesday."

"I don't know what this has to do with me. Unless you want me to go on a date with her."

"Jade, stop talking."

Tori places a hand on her forehead. She wonders why she couldn't have just asked in person, when she gets home later. She asks herself why she couldn't ask in person at all that she succumbs to a poorly executed phone call.

She doesn't hear anything from the other line and quickly panics, thinking Jade's hung up on her.

"Hello? Hello, Jade? Jade?"

She hears Jade's exaggerated sigh and Tori decides that she's not going to have phone calls with Jade anymore.

"You told me to stop talking."

"Yeah, I know, but-okay, look. Look. I called because I was wondering if it's okay if we skip dinner Tuesday. I figured we can push dinner to Wednesday."

There's a pause on the other line. It's the second time she wonders if Jade's hung up on her. She barely misses Jade clearing her throat.

"I'm not your mom, Tori. Do whatever you want."

"I know, it's just that we have dinner on Tuesdays so I thought I'd ask."

"Like I said, I'm not your mom. I gotta go."

Tori's doesn't get a chance to mutter goodbye when she's met with a dial tone.

.

Her thoughts are led elsewhere when she receives a message from Heather asking about dinner.

Her first reaction is to bring Heather to the Mexican restaurant she and Jade frequent but thought better of it.

At this point, she wants nothing to remind her of Jade.

.

_"So you're new to the city, too?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You look more settled than you are."_

_"Yeah? Well, one of my…someone I know from high school lives across the hall from me. She recently moved too, so we just kind of…hang out."_

.

She can't remember the last time she was with a woman that has made her laugh as hard when it isn't with Jade.

Tori doesn't linger on the thought for long.

.

Heather kisses her goodbye the next morning as they stand at her doorway. She leans on the frame with a smile on her face until the other woman gets to the stairwell, out of sight.

She stays in her spot, eyes on the stairwell even after Heather's long gone. She glances at the door across the hall and stares at it. It's not until she hears faint movement that she scurries away and retreats back into her apartment, pushing the door closed with a resounding thud.

/

**_Mid-August_ **

For the first time in months, Jade gets a note on her door; it's an invitation for their rescheduled dinner.

Jade hesitates to touch it, as if the edges will cut her.

She tells herself she'll worry about it later, considers her options as she enters her apartment. It's not until she's in her bedroom for a nap she becomes conscious that, for the first time, she's entertaining the possibility of not going.

.

She cancels on three dinner invitations that week. She deletes Tori's messages on her phone asking her to text her back. She skips all of Tori's calls and lets them all go to voicemail. She doesn't check any of them.

She knows it's petty and out of line, but she can't help herself.

.

Jade hasn't even gotten her keys out of her pocket when Tori twists her around, fuming. She notices Tori in running clothes, but doesn't look like she's been exercising at all.

"Can I help you?" she asks unfazed, attempting to regain control of the situation. "And I thought you run out of breath  _after_  you go running."

Tori seems to ignore her comment; she instead takes a step closer. Jade wants to retreat, but she knows she has to stay. "You're having dinner with me tonight at 7."

"I'm not doing anything I want."

"Oh you're going," Tori threatens, low and angry. "You're going or I'm going to break into your apartment and steal your waffle maker."

Jade stands straighter, taller; her jaw clenches. "You wouldn't dare."

"Then I suggest you go."

Before she can say anything, Tori's already jogging away leaving her in the middle of the hallway.

.

"I didn't think you'd show up," Tori says, rearranging the dinner napkin on her lap.

Jade shrugs, tries to look unfazed as she takes the seat across from her. "I enjoy getting threatened."

"Look, I'm sorry. I just-I didn't know how else to get you to go."

"I can at least appreciate that you when you need to, you hit home pretty accurately."

"I'm sorry."

"It's whatever," she says inspecting her wrapped silverware on the table. Tori doesn't say another word, doesn't ask her anything, just eyes her curiously. Jade refrains from lashing out, telling her that she feels like a zoo animal if Tori continues to look at her like that. Instead, she flags Joan and signals for her usual.

It's not until she's settled herself that Tori pounces on her.

"You wanna tell me what's going on with you?"

"No." She says casually, fixing the napkin on her lap.

"Okay, well, I'll tell you what I think is going on with you."

Jade folds her arms on the table and leans in, one eyebrow cocked. "Go for it."

"I think you're being a giant bitch."

"Last I checked that's not particularly new information."

"Ever since I told you about Heather, you've been acting like I don't exist. You dropped out of the last three dinner invitations I made with you. You've been dodging all my texts and calls."

"It's not really any of your business what I do with my time. I'm busy. There's a recital that my kids are prepping up for, so excuse me for having my own life."

Tori scoffs, visibly upset. "Bullshit."

"Language," she warns, smirking. Tori tenses and sits rigidly in her seat, audibly sighs in frustration.

"Jade," Tori tries again, calmly, "please tell me what's going on. I've missed you."

Jade's jaw hardens and she focuses her attention to the empty table behind Tori's head, so she's not looking directly at the other woman. She keeps her hands in loose fists on the table, tries to maintain her control.

"Nothing's going, okay? You're probably just imagining things."

She hates that Tori's earlier strict demeanor slackens. She hates when the Tori in front of her transforms to the Tori from high school, the one who has too much heart and not enough edge. The one who cares too much.

"Jade," Tori tries again. This time her voice is much softer. "Why are you doing this?"

She pulls the trigger to a lie and hopes that it pans out. "I was jealous of h-you," she says, quickly correcting herself.

"What? Why?"

She casts her eyes away, stalling for time. When she brings them back up to look at Tori, she intentionally blurs her view with tears, but not enough to spill. "Beck and I haven't been separated for that long. I guess, I guess I missed it."

It's the first idea that comes to mind and she follows through with it. (Later when she – they – go back to their apartments, she won't be surprised about her trouble sleeping. But amidst all of her thoughts she will at least thank Sikowitz for holding those drive-by improv exercises, for arming her with an escape route.)

Even though she doesn't lie, not necessarily, she omits enough of the truth – whatever that may be.

Tori's eyes linger on her, for closer inspection, so Jade hopes that her best neutral face appears; she hopes that she's convincing enough. It's slow to come, but Tori breaks out into an eager smile, the sheer relief on her face; it's enough confirmation that Tori accepts her truth, her excuse.

"Is that all it is? Oh, Jade. I told you that she and I are just doing casual. This isn't going to be a full-blown relationship. I got out of a relationship too, you know? I'm not ready for anything big. And she understands that."

Jade nods. As she readies herself for another round of spun lies, Joan thankfully cuts her chance when she arrives with their meals.

"Long time no see, stranger," Joan says. Jade forces an apologetic smile before moving her silverware for her plate.

"Well glad to know that you missed me. It's great for my ego."

Joan beams down at the two of them before rushing off.

"I'm glad you told me what was bothering you," Tori comments after Joan leaves; she slides her hands across the table and places them over Jade's loose fists. Jade refrains from yanking her hands off the table.

"Yeah, me too."

"So are we good? No more cancelling dinners and ignoring me?"

Jade can't apologize, she doesn't know how, just hopes that however way it comes out, Tori accepts it. So she smirks, exaggerates her sigh. "I guess. I mean, sometimes I just really like my ringtone too much to want to pick it up."

Tori glares at her and Jade thinks that this hurdle is past them, for now. "I still don't know how you got that blood curdling scream as your ringtone," she says as she sticks a broccoli in her mouth.

"It's like you've never heard of the internet."

Tori laughs behind her hand and she can't help but laugh along, pausing from taking a sip of her wine.

She doesn't say it, but she's missed Tori. She's annoyed at how quickly she changes around her. She can't deny, even as she's tried many times before, how Tori affects her. So even as she carries this indescribable feeling inside, she remembers how easy things are, how simple all of it are around Tori.

She lets herself fall back into her routine with Tori. She'll have to sort her life out later when she's in the privacy of her room without possibilities of being caught in a lie.

But for now she'll mend this dent in their friendship; she'll mend them.


	3. Part Three

;;

I have seen love come and go

I watched it pass with my heart held close

Late August

Tori hesitates to press the call button on her phone. She doesn't think this warrants a discussion, but it's been nagging at her for the last couple of days. She wants to talk to Jade about it, but she figures there's a conflict of interest when the person she wants to talk to the most and the person she wants to talk about the most are one and the same.

So she lets out a loud exhale and presses the green button, puts her phone by her ear.

"I didn't do it."

"What?"

"Whatever you're calling to blame me for, I didn't do it."

Tori shakes her head. There are days she considers that she and Trina cannot possibly be related, least of all that Trina is the oldest.

"I'm not calling you to blame you for anything."

There's a small pause from the other line. "Well, in that case, what kind of wisdom can I impart on you?"

Without any other preamble, Tori relays her feelings about Jade's recent actions, how Jade had been so distant for a while, to go so far as to ignore her for days; how Jade confesses her own relationship insecurities; how Tori wants nothing more than to hold Jade in her arms and reassure her (but Tori holds off on this one, seals it just behind her lips). She barely takes a breath while she explains her predicament, afraid that if Trina finally gets a word in edgewise, that she'd be sitting in a reprimanding of her own feelings which, she thinks, is wholly unfair.

"I never would have guessed the Gothic Ice Queen would have feelings," Trina comments after hearing Tori's rambling.

Tori sighs. "Jade's not an Ice Queen, it just takes time to get to know her."

"I find that hard to believe."

"It's true, okay? She has a lot of feelings, she just doesn't share a lot. She doesn't…wear her heart on her sleeves," she offers lamely. Tori can hear her sister snort from the other line; she's tight-lipped for fear of yelling at her own sister.

"Maybe she wears her heart in her pants, Tor. Oh! You should find another bartender to get to know more of her feelings," Trina suggests. Tori's protestations of how ridiculous and one-track minded her sister is are lost amidst Trina's laughter from the other end of the line.

"She's not going for that."

Her sister clicks her tongue. "How do you know that she doesn't want what you want? Has she told you?"

Tori stumbles through her thoughts and tramples over her own words. "No, but…"

"But what?"

"N-nothing. I just don't think she'll do it."

"I don't know," Trina starts. "Jade's the kind of girl who'll try anything."

She stays on the phone with her sister for another thirty minutes. She lets Trina gab about the current love of her life while her focus is elsewhere. The nagging feeling she hoped would disappear after her conversation with Trina only worsens. She doesn't want to invest so much time thinking about the same person, but her thoughts don't offer her many options. Not when Trina's words ring in her ears and she's cursing herself for wondering. Wondering about the kind of girl Jade is, if she's any different from before. If the idea even makes a difference.

Trina's words linger well into the night, after she has already tucked herself in bed just begging for sleep to come. When it does come, it's late and she's exhausted. She forces Heather and work and her sister to be the last things she thinks about that night.

Just before her consciousness crosses over, a startling thought seeps in just under the cracks leaving her restless for the rest of the night; she wonders if Jade is the kind of girl who'd try the same person twice.

/

"Oh hey, I'm glad I caught you," she hears Tori behind her just as she's locking her door. Jade turns around, coffee in one hand and her keys in the other.

"Unless it's to haul a body into the river, I'm not going," she says plainly adjusting the bag slung on her shoulder.

"What?"

"What do you want?"

She doesn't react when Tori stands a little straighter with an eager smile upon her face.

"I was just, you know, wondering if you wanted to grab an early lunch with me and Heather." Tori's sheepish and hopeful in her request, her hands behind her back. When she doesn't respond right away, Tori continues to explain the situation, as if that will somehow change her mind.

Just as Tori reveals that the lunch would be a way for Jade to meet Heather, she cuts her off. "No can do, Vega. Already got other plans."

"Oh."

"Maybe next time." Jade takes a step forward past Tori when her neighbor catches her wrist.

"Is this…is this about what we talked about the other week? Because I can ask one of the guys at work to come with or something."

Jade doesn't hide the twitch from a corner of her lips.

"I don't want your pity date, Vega."

"It's not a pity date-"

"I was kidding," she says cutting Tori off. She manages not to roll her eyes when Tori sighs in relief across from her. "I really can't make it today, though. I already told Cat I was going to visit for the weekend. So I'll be out of town." She twists her body to show Tori her bag.

Jade doesn't want to acknowledge the slump of Tori's shoulders, the lip bite that Tori does when she's reeling in from any kind of rejection; so she focuses her attention at her fingernails. She looks on indifferently at Tori when her neighbor crosses her arms indignantly. "Oh. Well, you could have just said that, you know."

Jade doesn't bother to hide her smirk. "Yeah, I could have."

Tori sticks her tongue out while Jade responds with exposing her teeth and growling. Tori's the first to laugh and she reluctantly goes along with it until she realizes that Tori's kept her at her door for too long.

"Gotta go," she says before the awkwardness settles in the hallway.

"Hey, wait."

She holds her exaggerated sigh and turns around expectantly.

"Um, uh, tell Cat the next time she shows up in town, I'd love to have dinner. Like, with the two of you."

Jade is tightlipped when she nods at Tori. She doesn't wait for Tori to elaborate; she just turns the corner down the flight of stairs. She shakes off the sound of Tori's faint goodbye.

When she gets to the sidewalk, she can feel eyes set on her from somewhere above her. But she doesn't do anything to acknowledge it. She plucks her sunglasses out of her bag and sets it on her face. She has the urge to look up, but thinks better of it. Just walks around back where she's parked her car.

.

When Cat excitedly jumps to give her a hug by the door and asks her how her drive turned out, she's going to lie and say it was fine. She's not going to share that she was going twenty over the speed limit on the highway distracted from thinking about her neighbor.

.

"How are the children?"

Jade snorts before taking a sip of her beer. "They're still brats."

"Oh, well that's nice," Cat offers as she takes another bite of food, content with her response. Jade stares at her, remembers how fun it is to see Cat try not to squirm under her gaze; remembers how much fun she used to have with Cat; remembers just how much she misses her best friend.

"How are things over here?"

Cat shrugs and offers her a smile. "Over here is fine. We're still doing the same things. Just trying to branch out with the studio, you know? Ever since you left, we'd had to scramble for a replacement."

Jade tries not to shift in her seat when she hears the word replacement, but she knows it's too late when Cat sputters out frantic explanations.

"Not like replace you replace you because you're a great person and we can never really find another Jade because I'm not looking for one I don't think Beck is either but it's just that you were gone and you were pretty good at handling a lot of the stuff at work and…um, okay." Cat deflates in her seat when Jade puts her hand up for her to stop.

"It's fine."

"Jade, I didn't mean-"

"I know. That's why it's fine." Cat nods slowly. Jade knows what she did, she knows how much it cost to do what she did, so she softens a little, offers Cat a small smile before leaning back and taking a sip of her drink.

"So is this replacement doing her job right?"

Cat smiles in return before plunging into stories of a life Jade can now only imagine.

.

The next morning, they head to their local Sunday brunch spot.

A couple of the service staff from the restaurant approaches her, excited to see her visit. It makes Jade miss the parts of her life she'd grown so accustomed to for years before. It dawns on her just how much her decisions cost her. She doesn't regret what she did, but a part of her aches for what she didn't realize she missed.

The biggest surprise comes when Robbie and Andre walk through the door and happily greet Jade. She's so taken aback that she drops a piece of bacon back on her plate.

Speechless, she and Cat rise from their seats and welcome the oncoming hugs from the two men. They pull up chairs from the other tables and place them on either side of her.

"What kind of mess is this you come for a visit and don't let us know?" Andre asks just as he beckons for a waiter.

"Yeah!" Robbie, from the other side pipes up. "Cat can't have all the fun."

While her friends order and are served with drinks, Jade is momentarily lost for words. She accepted early on that they would pick Beck's side in the break-up. But it warms her that they are excited to see her today.

She shrugs it off, plays it cool, but she doesn't shy from the truth. "I figured allegiances have been drawn."

Robbie shakes his head just as Andre tsks, all the while Cat sits across from her with a goofy smile on her face. "That's just plain dumb."

The rest of the table agrees with him and Jade can't help the small smile on her face. "Well, I did a pretty shitty thing. I wouldn't blame you for thinking I was just this evil monster."

Robbie speaks up with a laugh. "I've already thought you were evil incarnate. It's a little too late for that."

"Yeah," Andre adds. "The stuff between y'all two was rough, and I don't expect him to be around. But I mean, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, y'know? And we're your friends, too."

"Yeah!" Cat exclaims, forcing the rest of the table to look at her; her smile widens.

Jade braves to ask what she's wondered for a while. "How's he doing, by the way?"

"He's fine," Robbie answers. "I mean, he's talking again. Moved in with me after he broke the lease on the apartment."

"Man, I was glad when he started talking again. You can't try to get business up and runnin' if you can't talk 'bout it."

"But he's doing good," Cat offers softly, assuring her. Jade nods and for a moment, their conversation is disrupted by their waffles being brought to the table.

"What about you?" Robbie asks after he takes a sip of his water. "How are you? And what are you up to now?"

"I'm good. I'm a voice instructor for children."

Their reactions of surprise and skepticism are exactly how she pictured them. "You fuckin' with us, aren't you?" Andre asks. "You are. You and children?"

"Well, they're children so they'll never be as awesome as me. But they're pretty good, so I don't hate them as much."

They continue their meal catching up and enjoying each other's company. It's not until they've finished their meals that Cat brings up what Jade has somehow forgotten all morning.

"Oh, and you'll never guess who lives across from Jade," Cat says. Jade wants to tell her to stop, not to ruin a perfectly good time. But she stays quiet and waits for the men to guess.

"Justin Bieber."

"Sikowitz.

Cat laughs. "No, think of someone back in high school."

"Sikowitz."

"Justin Bieber."

"Oh god, you guys suck at guessing," Jade says, though not unkindly.

"Well, who is it?"

Just as Jade opens her mouth to respond, Cat beats her to it. "Tori! Tori Vega!"

The two young men exclaim their surprise. "A'ight, you right. We'd never guess that."

"What's she doing now? We hadn't really seen her since high school, right?" Everyone nods while looking at her, expecting an answer.

"She's fine. She does PR stuff for a club downtown. Sometimes we grab dinner, but that's really it. We have different time schedules."

She can't describe how thankful she is when they don't ask her for more information; if they seemed unsatisfied with her answer, they don't show it. Instead, they talk about grabbing coffee after brunch and spending the rest of the day catching up.

.

When the sun dives gracefully below the horizon, Jade thinks it's time to head back.

She gets into her car and belts herself while Cat stands by her window, a goofy smile etched on her face; Andre and Robbie having gone home not too long ago.

"Come back when you can, okay?"

Jade hesitates to reply. If she's being honest with herself, even just months detached from her old world, she already feels foreign to the place, her obligations as Cat's best friend tethering her back. But she can't help but miss the company she left behind, not when days like today surprise her in the best of ways.

"Don't I always?"

Cat giggles beside her, shrugging, maintaining their conversation light. "Yeah, I know. There was that one time in high school, though, when I didn't think you would."

Jade grips the steering wheel without meaning to, readjusts herself in her seat. "What? When?"

Cat, voice light and airy, speaks to her like this is another one of their countless story times. "Oh, you know, before senior year and stuff."

She looks at her best friend confused, tries to rack her brain of this memory and coming up empty handed.

"Oh you know," she starts, "You and Beck were taking one of your breaks during that summer and you didn't show up for like three days after school started. It was the same time that Rex was gone and Robbie thought you probably took him to the desert and buried him there."

Cat seems lost in nostalgia leaving Jade lost in regret.

When she shakes herself out of the trap, she pats, not kindly, on the door of her car.

"I gotta go, Squeaks. I'll call you when I get home, okay?" She hardly waits for Cat to step back, just puts the car in drive and hopes that her best friend has enough sense to move away. Not surprising, Cat is unfazed, the way Jade wishes she was just then, and waves at her with a bright and cheery smile.

Jade drops the smile once she turns a corner. She replaces it with a scowl that refuses to disappear from her features. The drive back is the worst four hours she's spent in a while; she doesn't want to, but her mind forces her to think about the man she recently left behind, and the woman she thought got away.

.

Just as Jade pulls into their apartment parking lot, she watches a red car pull out of her spot. Casually, she glances at the driver who gestures a kind smile she doesn't return towards her before passing her altogether and turning into the street.

She'd never seen the woman before. She can feel in her bones that Tori has, though.

.

"Oh hey, I'm glad I caught you," Tori says by way of greeting as Jade approaches the last step of their landing.

Jade considers her options. All she wants is to shove past Tori and get to her apartment to start running a hot bath and forget everything about her. But she realizes that if she snubs Tori now, she'll be stuck with a full week of deep scrutiny that she can't afford. So she swallows the rising annoyance in her system and instead tightens her hold on her bag.

"Unless it's to haul those chopped body parts into the river," Jade says as she pointedly looks at the garbage bag Tori's holding onto. "Then I'm not going."

Confusion's etched on Tori's face until she realizes what she's holding. With a giggle, she waves her hand dismissively. Tori's entirely too happy for travelling to the dumpster late on a Saturday night; she can only assume it has something to do with someone that isn't her.

"Oh, no. No bodies. I wanted to know how your weekend was with Cat!"

She wants to say so many things, even share her morning, but she holds out for some reason. "It was fine."

Jade's indifference doesn't seem like a deterrence to Tori's otherwise good mood. "That's good. Did you tell her about wanting to catch up?"

"Yeah. Next time she's in town."

"Good! I'm excited. It's been so long. I didn't realize I've missed her until I thought about how long it's been."

Her patience is slipping and she's seconds away from wanting to storm away. But she knows if she does, it'll raise flags.

"How was your weekend?"

"It was good! Work, hanging out with Heather."

"That's nice."

"You actually just missed her, she was here like five seconds ago."

Jade doesn't think she missed Heather at all. She reminds Tori that she has a bag of trash to throw away and that she ought to get some rest from having driven hours that day. Tori pats her with her free hand before merrily walking down the stairs. It takes every ounce of energy left in her body not to squirm away.

.

She pours herself into her work, accepts extra students to fit in her already brimming schedule. She hunches over the same binder-clipped stack of paper with a pen and a determination not to set it on fire. She isolates herself enough from Tori without alarming her. She settles back in a routine with Tori just as Tori settles in a routine between the different parts of her life; the different people in her life.

They maintain their Tuesday dinners sans Heather, but she can feel the apprehension in Tori's eyes, of asking her to meet Heather. She wonders why it's such an important ordeal if their relationship is casual. But her wondering is squashed with bitter realizations that the relationship is probably not casual at all.

.

When Jade met Heather, it was by complete accident.

Tori planned an early dinner for the three of them on a Thursday they were all free. Jade considered bailing because she'd forgotten ways to hide herself – to hold herself back – especially when the last person she spent so much time with could read her so well.

Jade returned home early that afternoon when one of her students called in sick. She pretended she didn't recognize the same red car from days ago. She feigned surprise when Tori called for her, Heather in tow.

They spent the rest of the afternoon together before heading to dinner. At one point, when Heather excused herself to the bathroom, Tori watched as she walked away just before hurriedly sidling up beside Jade.

"Are you, I mean, I don't know. Are you going to be okay with this?"

Jade was taken aback, uncertain. "What are you talking about?"

"I mean, like, are you okay that she's around? Because I know that you said that you're worried about seeing us and end up thinking about Beck and stuff."

She stared at her until the words registered their meaning in her mind. Her focus had been elsewhere and it took her a while to compose herself to seem believable.

"It's fine. It's whatever. I mean, it's not a big deal. A girl can stand to be single for five minutes."

The worry in Tori's eyes remained and Jade decided to do something she'd avoided doing for a while; she placed a hand and awkwardly patted Tori's shoulder. She hadn't wanted to do it because she knew that later, in the depths of the night, it would plague her.

When Heather returned, they readied themselves for dinner, Jade acting in her best performance yet.

"So how do you two know each other? Just neighbors?"

Jade watched when Tori fiddled with her silverware. She wanted, so badly, to know what Tori thought. But she answered anyway.

"We used to go to the same high school. But I hadn't really seen her since then."

When the words escaped her lips, she pondered for a second why they hadn't seen each other in years; it didn't take her long to remember why.

Tori took over the conversation, much to Jade's relief. She listened as Tori explained how she ended up at Hollywood Arts High and the tumultuous path that their friendship took until they eventually became friends.

.

By the time the summer heat reaches its peak, Jade accepts the things that are in and out of her control. She begrudgingly accepts Heather's new place in their lives. She is the girl that Tori is dating, the one that, by default, should and does occupy more of Tori's time.

She doesn't give herself an opportunity to consider who she is. All Jade knows is that Heather is the girl that Jade is not, that Jade can't be.

.

Jade is tapping her red pen on her stack of papers when she hears a knock at the door at work. She barely acknowledges the knocker, simply beckons for the visitor with a single wave of her hand. Her eyes don't leave the page until she feels the presence of another person in front of her.

When she looks up, she covers her surprise by clearing her throat and restacking the pile of papers together.

"Jade?"

"Heather," she says as she recognizes the young woman with a messily tied bun of blonde hair stand before her as Tori's current girlfriend.

"I thought I might find you here."

Jade quirks an eyebrow, sits up a little taller. "Well, it's where I work. It would be bad if you didn't find me here."

Heather smiles a little and readjusts her weight on one leg.

"I hope you're not asking to see if you can join my classes because you have to be under the age of sixteen to do that. You'll have better luck asking Tori to teach you to sing."

Heather cocks her head to the side. "Tori sings?"

"Oh yeah," she says without hesitation. "She sang all the time in high school. She's pretty good. Sometimes I forgot that I wasn't supposed to like her because she sang so well."

"Huh, she never shared that with me," Heather muses before shaking her head, a smile still on her face. "Anyway I was picking up my niece and I didn't realize it was you. When I saw the name out front, I thought there couldn't be any other Jade West around."

Jade pulls her glasses off and folds them on top of her stacked papers. "Just me. So what can I do for you?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could take you out for coffee sometime, just to talk."

Jade raises an eyebrow, crosses her legs and folds her arms. "You do realize you're already dating Tori, right?"

Heather is chuckling as she leans by the door. "No, no. It's not that. It's just that you're Tori's closest friend around here. So I wanted to make sure that you and I got along. Plus, I'd need to know how to deal with her sister. I hear she's coming for a visit."

Jade stares at the woman standing before her and wonders how casual they're keeping this relationship between the two of them if Tori's girlfriend goes out of her way to make nice with her. She smirks and stands from her own desk.

"So you want to buy my love as Tori's closest friend."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, first, you have to realize that there's no real way to deal with Trina. That woman is psychotic. Second, Starbucks giftcards."

She keeps her arms crossed, but she lets her face break into a smile before Heather slowly retreats backwards from her. "Deal. I'll let my people call your people. So I'll get Josie to tell me how to contact you."

She waves back when they wave at her. She sits back down on her chair but doesn't resume her reading. Instead she sends Tori a quick text about the recent events.

Your gf just asked me out for coffee. Be jealous.

Not twenty seconds later, Jade picks up the phone to Tori interrogating her.

.

Jade lets Heather buy her coffee, and true to form, her gift cards. When they sit by the outside patio, she already pictures her conversations with Heather resulting in awkward silences and forced laughter. So she's shocked to discover that Heather laughs incessantly and swears excessively. They waste the afternoon exchanging raunchy and filthy fictional backstories of random passersby.

"I obviously have to be PG and PC around my niece."

"So it's all an act. You're actually a bad person."

"The worst."

"Nice."

.

The worst part about Heather is how much Jade doesn't hate her.

How she can see why Tori likes her.

How Jade even goes so far as to want to be her friend.

/

Late September

Tori's call to her sister comes with less hesitation than the one she'd made weeks before.

"I'll just pay you back," Trina says.

Tori shakes her head and sits more comfortably at her desk, mindless in tapping her pen on the table. "I'm not even going to ask."

"That's a good decision. Stick with that decision."

"Anyway, I was calling to check if you were still coming by this weekend."

"Yeah. Unless I need to stay at a hotel or something," Trina giggles.

"That's not necessary. Maybe you can meet Heather. Cat's coming by this weekend, too. I thought it'd be a nice small reunion."

"Plus meeting your girlfriend."

"Yeah, that."

"Did she bring a U-haul when she moved in or do those things only happen in movies?"

"What? She's not moving in. This is just casual."

"But you want me to meet her."

"I talk a lot of shit about you, so she wants to know if I'm making any of it up-"

"And you are," Trina supplies.

"-so I figured just bring people together for the weekend," Tori continues, ignoring her sister's interruption. "It'll be fun."

Trina's unusually quiet; it can only mean one thing so she mentally prepares herself for whatever lecture her sister is gearing to give her.

"What is it now?"

"Nothing. I didn't say anything."

"But you were going to."

"How does Jade feel about any of this?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You ask that every time and I wonder if you ever think about what you're asking me."

Tori groans, frustrated with her sister. "Why do you keep asking about her? My life doesn't revolve around her, okay?"

When she's met with silence, she asks louder. "Okay?!"

Eventually, her sister clears her throat. "Okay. I'm just looking out for you."

"I can take care of myself. Sometimes better than you," she adds.

Her sister scoffs but asks her to continue. "If it makes you feel any better, Jade's fine with everything. We're all friends, I don't know why you always bring her up. We're talking about a completely different girl for me now."

"Which one are you talking about, Heather or Jade?"

"Trina…" Tori warns, her irritation escalating.

In rare form, her sister backs away, apologizes, and changes gears on her and focuses on her arrival that weekend. But the pink elephant finally arrives in her apartment.

.

Tori and Heather are cuddling on the couch when they hear knocking at the door. When she pulls it open, she's greeted by her loud sister holding her arms wide open for a hug.

It's only when they break apart that Tori hears, more than sees, Trina acknowledge Heather's presence.

"And you must be Heather!"

"Nice to meet you," Heather says as she offers her hand.

"Yeah, you too. Whatever you heard from Tori about me aren't true, you got that?"

Tori shakes her head as she closes the door.

Her sister takes the spot beside her girlfriend as they talk excitedly with each other. She leans on the back of an armchair just listening to the two of them.

"So you bartend?"

"Yep, that's what I do."

"Are you any good?"

"Trina!"

Trina turns her head and makes a face at her; Tori's relieved to find that Heather's taking it in stride.

"I hope so. I spent the last five summers hanging out with my uncle who's been a bartender for fifteen years."

"Is your uncle hot?"

"Trina!"

Heather laughs it off. "It's okay. Um, I don't know. That's kind of awkward to ask. I guess so."

"What about hot bartender co-workers?"

"Trina, you need to stop," Tori warns. Trina just shrugs, waves her sister off.

"What? Free drinks from bartenders taste more delicious if the bartender's hot."

"We're not allowed to do that," Heather says with a smile.

"That's what you think."

Just as Tori's about to admonish her sister, another knock comes from her door. When she opens it, she hears a loud, excited shriek.

"Tori!" Cat yells before engulfing Tori in a giant hug. Tori seeks help from Jade who only smirks at her before sidestepping past the two of them. When Cat does let her go, she takes the opportunity to take a couple of steps back.

"All right, well. If you guys are ready, we can go to dinner."

.

On the walk to their local dinner spot, Heather's attention is focused on Trina talking her head off. Tori looks on from behind the two of them apologetically. She extends a hand out and lightly scratches at Heather's side before bringing her own attention back at Cat who's animatedly talking beside her.

The short walk felt even shorter when she realizes that they've arrived in front of the restaurant.

After they've gotten their orders, Tori sits attentively to hear about Cat's musical projects with the old high school gang and Trina and Heather getting into a heated discussion about which moisturizer is the best. She's embarrassed to admit that it takes her a couple of seconds to realize what's missing. When she finds the seat across from her to be empty, she excuses herself before heading to the bathroom.

When she enters the bathroom, she sees Jade washing her hands.

Cautious, she takes tentative steps beside Jade by the sinks. "Hey, what's up?"

"I just finished peeing," Jade says, confusion at Tori's appearance beside her. "It's what people do in bathrooms."

Tori bites her lip because she, herself, doesn't know why she's here. "Well, you just, I don't know. You just haven't been saying much at the table. I thought maybe something was wrong."

"Everything's fine. There's not much to say. Your sister's met me and Cat hasn't seen you in ages," Jade says as she wipes her hands dry. It's perplexing how honest Jade is being.

"So why do I have a feeling that it's more than that?"

"I don't know, Tori. Maybe you're just feeling indigestion."

Jade walks to the door and holds the handle, but before she pulls it open, she turns around. "If you stay in here any longer, they're going to think you're shitting your pants."

Tori can't shake off the feeling that there's something more, but she goes along and lets Jade open the door for her.

.

The rest of the night goes by swimmingly, much to Tori's astonishment. They relish telling stories of fond high school memories before diving into different parts of their busy lives. Every so often, out of the corner of her eye, Tori glances across from her to a more subdued Jade. The curiosity itches in the back of her head, but she maintains the smile on her face.

.

When it's just Tori and her sister in her apartment, she reviews the evening.

"I'd say that was a pretty good night," she says after she plops down on the couch.

"Yeah, I even got Thomas's number."

"You're unbelievable."

"That's what all the men say, yes."

Tori makes a gagging noise.

"So I see Cat's still kind of crazy."

"She seems a lot tamer now than when she was in high school, though."

"And your girlfriend is pretty awesome," Trina offers as she snacks on some popcorn.

"Thanks. I know we've been keeping it casual, but I feel like it could head to more, you know?"

"No, but sure."

Tori rolls her eyes and throws a couple of popcorn pieces at her sister.

"Well, whatever you want, Tor. Just be careful."

Confusion etches on her face. "What? I am careful. You met her, she's wonderful."

"You know I'm not talking about her."

Tori angrily stands from her spot and pulls the bowl away from her sister before walking into the kitchen. "I can't believe you're still talking about Jade!"

Her sister followers her. "Can you blame me if I can't trust her?!"

"Yeah, I can! She was ages ago. I've moved on! Things are different between us. We're actually friends!"

It's Trina's turn shaking her head.

"Friends don't look like what you two looked like tonight."

"What are you talking about?"

"You tell me."

"I'm getting real tired of this, Trina. The sheets are in the chest beside the loveseat. I'm going to bed," she says before storming off to her bedroom without so much as a glance back; her sister calls after her, but she ignores all of them.

When she gets inside of her room, she rushes to the bathroom. She splashes her face with cold water and stares at her reflection.

She knows she's moved on from what's happened so long ago. Her sister can't possibly see something she doesn't. Her sister can't know more about herself than she does.

When she struggles to find sleep and she's left with no one but herself, it sets her mind in panic when she considers the possibility that her sister's cautions aren't unfounded and she's willing to revisit the past.

.

The next morning, her sister cooks pancakes for breakfast as her way of apology. This time, she promises no longer to meddle.

Tori accepts the apology and the breakfast; she and her sister resume with the day like nothing ever happened.

But she knows that the pink elephant in the room has made itself comfortable.

.

A week or so later, Tori walks into Jade's apartment unannounced but it seems like Jade doesn't mind.

"Can I borrow your waffle maker?"

"No," Jade answers her without so much as a glance up from working.

"Oh come on, I wanna make breakfast for dinner."

"No. Go away."

Tori plops herself beside Jade on the couch and picks up a magazine from the coffee table, waits patiently for Jade to finally look up.

"I see you burned yourself with your straightener."

Tori remembers that her hair's pulled up in a messy bun, exposing her neck. She claps her hand over her neck when she Jade playfully prods her with her pen.

She fails to speak as she stutters her way through her explanation.

"It's uh, things got a little intense last night."

Jade shakes her head at her, her face indifferent. "Vega, I don't care what you do in the bedroom."

"We didn't really do anything in the bedroom, I mean like, we did, but-" she stammers.

"Please stop saying words. I don't know why you're so concerned. You're dating her."

Tori deflates. She tries to calm herself down.

"It's just, I don't know, I just didn't want you to judge me."

Tori looks on as Jade puts her pen down and meets her eyes. "You should know that I already do that. Every day. Right now, actually."

Tori chuckles while she readjusts herself on Jade's couch.

"I just didn't want you to think, you know, badly of me just because I'm in this relationship even though I just got out of one like six seconds ago."

Jade rolls her eyes. "Your ex-girlfriend cheated on you. And I left my ex-fiancé at the altar. You're the last person to have to feel bad about getting laid."

"You're right."

"Yeah, I know."

"Thanks, Jade."

"Please, don't ever mention it again, you little harlot."

Tori gasps in surprise and swats Jade with the magazine in her hand. Jade shoos her away pokes her with her pen.

"Go away, I have work to do."

"Let me borrow your waffle maker."

"No."

"I'll pick it up in a couple of hours, okay?"

"No."

"Great, see you later."

"No."

Tori laughs and drops the magazine still in her hand on Jade who glares at her. She raises her hands and walks away, finally follows her orders. She offers a light goodbye before closing it. She leans back on the door, hand still on the knob.

She can't shake off the feeling of embarrassment.

She can't shake off the feeling that in another life, life could be like this, with Jade: easy and simple.

.

Mid-October

One Saturday morning, Tori bets that her family's pancake recipe is far superior than Jade's waffles. When Jade accepts, they decide to make Heather as their judge.

An hour later, Heather is sitting at the bar with two plates in front of her, one with waffles and the other with pancakes. Tori waits patiently as her girlfriend looks at her and Jade questioningly.

"Babe, which one is better?" Tori asks after Heather has taken a bite from each plate.

When Heather's reluctant to respond, she stuffs a piece of waffle and pancake together in her mouth.

"I think you bribed her," Tori accuses Jade when Heather refuses to respond. "Oh my god, you probably bribed her when I had to go get more eggs from your apartment."

"That's bullshit, Vega. Heather sometimes has questionable taste, but my waffle-making abilities cannot be beat."

"Oh whatever! She usually just eats anything in front of her."

"I'm actually in the room," Heather pipes up from her seat at the bar between bites.

Tori and Jade turn their head at the voice behind them.

"Babe?" Tori asks. Heather pivots herself around the barstool and alternates looking at the two of them.

"If you pick hers," Jade warns, "you will lose all breakfast privileges."

Tori steps closer to her girlfriend. "If you lie, you will lose all privileges."

Tori cocks an eyebrow at Jade, egging her on when she thinks it's in the bag. Jade doesn't drop her gaze; they stare at each other trying to outlast one another. It comes as a surprise when she hears Heather speak to the two of them while she carries a plate stacked with food.

"While I loved getting insulted, I'm just going to eat these in my car. Maybe grab a coffee to go with it. I'll let you two sort this out."

Tori feels Heather's warm lips on her cheek, but doesn't break their staring.

"Our only judge just left with all of the food."

"Your girlfriend stole my waffles."

"This isn't over."

"It is over. Because my waffles are awesome. She took more of my waffles than your stupid pancakes."

"What! You didn't even see that."

"Unlike you, I am better at all the things that I do."

"What if we postpone this? I'm getting hungry."

"Okay, on the count of three."

Tori shrieks in surprise calling foul when on the count of two, Jade dashes past her and to the door, presumably running after her girlfriend.

Jade laughs maniacally, sticking her tongue out at her when she gets to the door just before slamming it, leaving her alone.

Outraged, she runs and yells after them.

Her heart's filled with delight when she sees her best friend and her girlfriend sitting on the hood of Heather's car, eating together.

.

During dinner a couple of days later, Tori remarks how well Jade and Heather get along.

"She's all right," Jade offers before taking a bite of her burrito.

"You've grown attached to her, haven't you?" she teases.

Jade scoffs at her, "I said she's all right."

Tori doesn't hide her laughter.

/

Late October

Jade remembers Beck's cold feet.

She remembers how maybe she should have just settled for his cold feet. Because everything else about him is warm and familiar and comfortable. These days, she always feels hot and she wonders if that has anything to do with her neighbor. She won't be surprised if it's true.

She misses all of the things that she and Beck did together; most of all she misses him.

She knows he's not right for her, that he deserves more than her, but she can't help but want back what she gave up.

She thinks that maybe even though he has cold feet, her perpetually warm ones can balance his out.

But she drunkenly staggers up the stairs with Tori and Heather on either side.

She thinks that there is currently no such thing as balance, only extremes.

.

She stumbles into her own apartment after one of the two women with her opens her door.

She makes a beeline for her couch and unceremoniously plops herself down. She feels sleep coming closer and closer.

She hears voices somewhere behind her, but she can hardly distinguish whose is whose. She hears her door close and feels someone sitting by her feet.

Somewhere deep down, she knows she should keep quiet, but her intoxicated self is who's on the surface and there's no fighting her.

Jade tries to resituate herself on the couch, but to no avail. So she squints her eyes and looks behind her shoulder to see who's behind her.

"Tori is that you? Because I have something to tell you and your girlfriend can't know."

A hand is pressed on her calf and she takes that as confirmation.

"I hate a lot of things, you know. But I don't think I hate you more, Tori. Because you are with someone who is actually pretty cool. But mostly because you are with someone. I think I hate that the most. Especially because I thought I should hate you. I used to, didn't I? No, I didn't. I lied. I never hated you. But now I just feel weird because you and I aren't supposed to be friends. That's not how we work, Tori; I'm Jade and you're Tori, but I don't hate you because I love you."

When she finishes, she turns her head and decides that moment is a good a time as any to try and sleep. She feels a blanket drape over her and mumbles her gratitude before burying herself further into it.

She barely registers Tori leaving her apartment. She hopes she doesn't remember a thing tomorrow.

/

Tori jogs up the last few steps to the top of the landing just as she spots Heather close the door to Jade's apartment.

"Hey, sorry. Trina called while I paid the cab driver."

"It's not a problem."

"Is she all settled?"

"Yeah, dead as a log."

"Okay, great. Come on, let's get to bed."

"Yeah, sure."

"You all right?" she asks when Heather doesn't move from her spot.

"Yeah, uh, it's fine."

She takes a step closer, puts her hands on Heather's waist. "Are you sure?"

She watches quietly as Heather tries to form the words, looking everywhere but her. Softly, "Hey, what is it?"

"I, uh, you know that if there's someone else, you can tell me. I mean, I know this isn't really a super serious relationship or anything."

"What?"

"I just mean, we said it'd be casual or whatever. So if there's like someone else-"

Tori furrows her brows, brings her hands to Heather's face. "Whoa, whoa. Hey, I don't know what's gotten into you. But there's no one. Even if this is just a casual thing, I would never do that to you. Besides, do you not remember my last relationship?"

Heather nods, offers an apologetic smile.

"Sorry for being weird. Maybe I should go?"

"Aw, no," she pouts. "You don't have to go. But if you really need to, I can understand. I was just hoping we could cuddle and watch some t.v. or something before bed."

Tori can sense some hesitation but Heather looks her in the eyes and offers her a reassuring smile. "Well, if that's what you wanted. You know that's my kryptonite."

"Are you sure?" Her hands slide from Heather's face down to her shoulders.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm just being weird. Don't worry about it. It's been a long night."

Tori nods, taking her girlfriend's word; she lets it go and blames the long night for all of the oddities. She takes Heather's hand in hers and pulls her in her apartment. Before she closes the door, she takes one last glance across the hall.

/

Jade isn't surprised that she's hung-over. But remembering that she has a hangover makes her head pound.

She looks around her surroundings and congratulates herself for being safe and sound in her own home. Some saint even placed a glass of water and her bottle of aspirin on the coffee table. After she downs the pills with the entire glass of water, she drops herself back down to her couch and tries to cover her eyes from the sunlight.

It's not until she thinks about the saint that she comically bolts upright. Immediately doing so, she groans in pain and crouches face down on the cushions.

She can't decide which to regret more: her hangover or still remembering her night.

.

Jade's getting ready to eat a particularly greasy burger from down the street when there's a knock on her door. She's sufficiently fearful for her life.

When she opens it, she maintains the biggest scowl on her face, for appearances.

"Vega."

"It looks like you're alive."

"Yes, yes I am. I guess I should thank you for putting the water and the aspirin on the coffee table for me."

"Oh, don't thank me, that was all Heather. I had to abandon your drunken ass to pay the rest of the cab ride."

"Heather?"

"Yeah. She's the one that was kind enough to tuck you in."

"Oh."

She's certain that the loss of appetite has nothing to do with her hangover.

.

Jade ignores them all; convinces everyone of a consequent illness from drinking.

But it only lasts so long. Try as she may, she eventually concedes defeat when Tori pushes her way through her door with some chicken soup and tea that Tuesday night.

"If you don't let anybody help you out, then you will rot and die in your apartment without anyone knowing," Tori says when Jade trails behind her with protests to stop.

"That sounds pretty awesome."

Tori pointedly looks at her, pausing from unpacking the food. "Just accept the charity, Jade. It won't hurt you."

Suddenly, Jade grips the kitchen counter and feigns her distress. "Oh, it hurts! The charity hurts!"

Tori lightly punches her on the arm before walking out onto the living room with the food she brought.

"Howcome you get the delicious food and I get the crappy soup?" She asks as she follows Tori into the living room.

"I'm perfectly healthy, so I can eat the unhealthy food. You're sick and dying, so you have to eat this."

For the rest of the night, Jade lets Tori hang around, her feet propped on Tori's lap while they watch the Food Network. Every now and again, Jade lets Tori berate her for being childish.

As she sits calm – comfortable, even – on her couch with Tori, her emotions rage inside that she wonders how she's successful in appearing normal. When she steals a glance of her neighbor, she's reminded of how complicated everything really is. But for now, she gives herself the night.

.

Jade looks up from flipping through random pages when she hears a knock at the door. She perks up, surprised, and tenses when she turns around to see Heather offer a small wave.

"Your sister picked Josie up about an hour ago," she says as she sets the papers down and caps her pen.

"I'm not here for Josie."

Jade runs her hand through her hair. "Then what brings you for a visit?"

"I think we both know why I'm here."

Heather stands in front of her desk, her arms crossed. Jade walks around her desk and sidles up in front of the other woman. When she crosses her arms and sits on her desk, she sighs. "I don't want to talk about it."

"That's not really a choice that you have, Jade."

"Well then can we forget it ever happened? I was drunk."

"I'm supposed to just accept that and move on?"

"Yeah! It didn't mean anything. You're the one she's with and she likes you and just…let it go, okay?"

The scowl on Heather's face slackens, but she doesn't move from her spot. "I can't just let this go."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't be around her knowing that you have feelings for her."

Jade rolls her eyes. "Then that's on you if you don't feel secure enough in your relationship."

Heather tenses; Jade can see her grip her biceps, hugging herself. She can tell that Heather wants to speak, but she can sense that something is holding her back. Jade pulls herself up from her spot and mirrors her visitor.

Heather quietly steps back before turning around and walking away.

Jade slumps back down on her desk and drops her head in her hands. She wonders when life is going to get a little easier.

.

The following Friday afternoon, Jade drops her overnight bag on her passenger seat. She sends a quick text to Cat before driving away, not once looking back.

She thinks it's cowardly and petty. But she never once admits to being above any of that.

.

She sits on Cat's bed leaning back on her headboard staring at the television without paying attention to what's showing up. Cat sits identically positioned beside her, immersed in the movie they're watching.

"Cat."

"Hm?"

"Do you remember high school?"

Cat faces her with confusion etched on her face.

"This isn't a trick question is it?"

Jade shakes her head, offers her best friend a small smile. "Then yes, I do."

"Do you remember when Beck and I took a break over the summer before senior year?" she asks, looking away again.

"Yeah, you almost didn't take him back. But then you changed your mind."

"Ask me why I almost didn't take him back."

Cat resituates herself as she bites her lip, looking unsure how to continue. "Um, why?"

"Because I fell in love with Tori that summer."

"Oh."

She laughs bitterly. "Yeah."

She waits for an onslaught of confused questions and of disbelief. So it shocks her when she hears Cat's voice, low and soft.

"Did she fall in love with you too?"

"I don't know." Completely feeling out of her element, she proceeds to put her head on Cat's lap. Cat doesn't hesitate to place one hand on her shoulder and the other on her hair. In no time at all, Cat's stroking her hair.

They're quiet for some time, the movie completely abandoned. Then, Cat's hand pauses but Jade doesn't react.

"D-did you ever fall out of love with her?"

Jade closes her eyes and lets her tear roll past her nose and onto the blanket.

"No."


	4. Part Four

_There's no easy way to know_

_If I'm looking back or if I'm getting close_

**;;**

_**Mid-November** _

It's late. And they've had a little bit to drink.

Jade's fiddling with Tori's entertainment system when she hears Tori yell from across the room.

"Hey! What are you, a child? Stop touching things," she says when she walks back to her living room gripping a couple bottles of beers.

Jade stares at her before running wide open palms back and forth over Tori's things. Jade hears Heather laugh before patting Tori on the leg.

"Mature," Tori offers before taking a sip of her drink. Jade only plasters an impossibly sweet smile before crawling to the coffee table to pick her own bottle. She stays seated on the floor and focuses her attention elsewhere. When she places her beer back on the coffee table, she leans down to read the name of the machine.

"Oh my god," she gasps loud enough for the two people on the couch to turn to her.

"What is it?"

"You have a karaoke machine."

"Oh, no, that's all right. We don't have to do that," Tori says as she shakes her head and waves them off.

"Aw, no. I want to hear you sing. Jade told me that you used to sing and that you were really good," Heather says as she sits up from the couch and pulls herself to the edge.

"You said that?" Tori asks looking directly at Jade. She doesn't want Tori to look at her like that anymore, so she turns away and places her attention to finding the songbook to go along with the karaoke machine.

"No big deal. I mean, you were good. But I was better, remember?" She smirks towards them and she can see Heather laugh before turning back to Tori.

"What do you say, babe? Come on, this'll be fun. I'd love to hear you sing."

"Pretty please, Tori Vega, with a cherry on top." Jade does her best to keep a straight face just as Tori busts out laughing and leaning on her girlfriend.

"What's so funny? Why is she laughing?"

Jade waves it off. "Back in high school, I'd mock her with this accent-"

"And it was preposterous because I sounded nothing like it!" Tori supplies after she calms herself down a little.

Jade avoids staring at Heather, but she can't help it when she notices the younger woman sitting dumbly on the couch watching the two of them, like an outsider. Jade knows that look, that feeling; she sits through it virtually every time Tori and Heather are together with her.

"What about you, bartender? Do you sing?" Jade asks when she extends the microphone towards her.

Heather leans back on the couch and shakes her head. "No way. I'm literally tone deaf. Like my parents made sure that I kept my singing to a minimum."

"Oh, come on. I stopped singing a long time ago and I'm only making a comeback 'cause of you!" Tori begs but Heather seems to hold her off.

"Why don't you guys sing instead?"

"Yeah, Jade!"

"Oh, I don't know," Jade says, playing around.

Tori rolls her eyes at her. "This was  _your_  idea! It'll just be like that time we were at Nozu."

Jade shifts her attention to a now-excited Tori and a quiet Heather. It's just a song, she tells herself.

Just a song.

.

Just a song turns into a full-on concert for Heather who sits in awe behind the two of them as they belt out songs after songs. They sing songs from high school and it transports Jade back to a time where it's just her and Tori. They finish off their concert with a duet of "Take a Hint," the song that puts Tori in a much different light for her.

Their party eventually ends sometime after three in the morning. Jade retires the microphone on the coffee table, tries to offer her help in cleaning up.

"It's all right, I'll clean it up tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"I might text you in the morning for waffles, though."

Jade laughs and folds her arms as she maintains her distance from her neighbor. "Deal. I don't have any eggs, just so you know."

"I got you covered."

Jade steps just right outside of the threshold when she turns around.

"I had a good time, Jade. I've forgotten how fun it is to sing."

"Yeah, I forgot how good it was to listen to you sing."

Tori smiles through her sleepy demeanor. "So you really told Heather I was good."

"I didn't say you were good, per se…"

When Tori giggles into her arm, Jade feels like she's standing at the end of a date. She's conflicted in wanting to stay firmly planted right outside of Tori's door and dashing across the hall and hiding under her covers.

So she settles for something in the middle, walking away and stopping just as she opens the door.

"Hey Vega," she says.

"Jade."

"Why'd you stop singing?" she asks when she turns around, hand still on the door knob.

Tori's silent for a moment and Jade thinks about scrapping the question and just walking away until she hears Tori's voice.

"Sometimes," she starts, "sometimes you just stop doing things in hopes that you stop feeling things."

"Tori…"

"Goodnight, Jade. See you in the morning."

Tori doesn't wait for her to respond, just closes the door with the faintest click. Jade stands at her door and wishes she'd dashed away and hid under her covers.

/

"Trina, I have a question," she says when her sister picks up the other line.

"If it's about that leather jacket that you let me borrow a couple of months ago, I just want you to know that first and foremost, I love you as a sister and that counts more than a jacket."

Tori narrows her eyes before rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"That wasn't even what I called about, but you're seriously racking up an expensive Christmas list for you to buy for me."

Tori just knows her sister is rolling her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I'm dating Gorge and he's a doctor, so I think we'll be fine with that Christmas list."

It's Tori's turn to roll her eyes. "Can we go back to me now?"

"I guess."

"So, I was wondering if it's too soon to make things a little more official with Heather."

"Well how long has it been since your break-up?"

"Six months."

"And for how long have you two been dating?"

"Four months, I think."

"How does the math look to you?"

Tori shrugs even though her sister can't see her. "I don't know. I mean, I really like her. But I don't want her to think I'm moving too soon. It's just too lesbian cliché, you know?"

"No, I don't."

"Anyway," she says loudly, "I just don't know if it's a good move to try and get serious with her after, like, four months. It's not a good move, is it? Like I should probably wait it out. I mean, we did say casual, right?"

"Why are you even calling me if you already know the answer to your own question?"

/

Jade isn't surprised when Heather shows up at her office a week after their karaoke party.

Without niceties, Heather walks in her office and closes her door.

"All right, well please have a seat and make yourself comfortable," she says sarcastically; she stays positioned in her seat and moving her binder-clipped stack away.

"I can't do it anymore." Heather's hands are on her hips as she stands by Jade's desk.

Jade takes a deep breath before standing up.

"Heather."

"No, I just, I can't be with her. Not when you're always right there. I mean, you two fucking live across from each other. You might as well sleep in her bed."

Jade's jaw clenches. "We're not cheating on you. No one's cheating on anybody."

"This isn't about cheating! Don't you get that?!" she roars in Jade's face before rubbing her forehead, as if doing so would relieve the pressure in her head.

"Then what is it about? Huh?"

"It's about being the alternative. The second choice. I can't stand that. And I'm sure you can't either."

Jade's nose flares and she has to maintain her control. "What are you talking about? She picked  _you_! You're the one that she chose. How can you be second choice when you're the one she's with!"

"Oh come off it. I see the two of you; I didn't think of it at first because this wasn't such a serious relationship. But all the times you two were together was like watching an old married couple bicker."

"That's nothing! I bicker with everyone. Hell, I bicker with you!"

"Yeah, but you don't fucking have hearts in your eyes when you're looking at me!" Heather bellows before she plops tiredly down on one of Jade's chairs. "And neither does she."

"Heather."

"No. I can't, this isn't working for me anymore."

"Heather, maybe you should calm down a little before you make really stupid decisions."

Jade worries that Heather hasn't responded, just sits still on her chair, her breathing heavy. When Heather meet her eyes, Jade thinks she's just seen heartbreak.

"It's just casual, right?"

/

There's a knocking at her door and she hurries from her bedroom just after getting dressed to open it.

"Oh, hey, babe," Tori says when she finds Heather standing by her door, weight shifted to one side, leaning on the doorframe.

"Hey."

"Why didn't you just come in?" she asks, curious.

"Oh, I'm not gonna stay for long, I have some stuff I need to work on; I just wanted to stop by," she says, still standing at her doorstep.

"Okay, what's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

Tori can't quite read Heather's expression as her girlfriend avoids her gaze, her eyes not meeting hers.

"Well," she says, "I wanted to bring something up with you too, actually."

Heather turns to face her and bites her lip. "Okay."

"I think I wanna break up." "Let's not be casual anymore."

"What?" "What?"

Heather sighs heavily and looks Tori in the eyes. "We need to talk."

Tori, in shock, wordlessly steps back and pulls the door wide open. She hears Heather walk in and head for the couch before she follows, shutting the door behind her.

The last thing Tori thinks about is the glaring red door across the hall.

.

She calls in sick for the next three days.

She buries herself under the covers, cries until her body aches.

She doesn't think she'll ever get it right.

.

When she rises from the staleness of her room, she decides to pay Joan a visit.

Tori sits at one of Joan's table already nursing her seventh drink.

"I'm gonna want another one, Joan."

"Are you sure? You've had more than a handful already."

"Yeah, just do it. I'll be fine."

"I don't think-"

"Please." She stares directly at Joan who sighs and takes the empty glass away from her. "Just give me another one."

Tori doesn't hear anymore from her waitress; just sees her walk away with a tray. A couple of minutes later, her drink shows up in front of her. She beams at Joan before quickly grabbing her drink and downing half of it.

About fifteen minutes later in her drunken state, she notices someone slide into the seat across from her.

"This is a pity party of one."

"Yeah, I'd say," Jade says, gathering the glasses together and waving at Joan to take them away.

"Jade! What are you doing here?"

"I heard that you were swimming in tequila. Let me tell you, you'll always drown."

"But what are you doing here?"

"It's Tuesday."

It doesn't seem to register to Tori the significance of Jade's response, so she hopes that by watching Jade's lips move, it'll magically let her in on the secret.

"Plus, Joan called."

"Tell Joan to put a sock on it."

"Why are you getting drunk on a Tuesday?"

"Why not. Life is young, I'm young. The world is young."

As Tori attempts to drink the rest of the contents of her drink, Jade holds her hand in place. "Okay, Drunky, that's enough. We're going home."

.

Tori lets Jade drag her back to their apartment building, a firm arm around her waist to keep her balanced.

She lets Jade usher her in her own home and place her on the couch. She clutches at Jade's arm when her neighbor stands from her spot on the couch.

.

"So she just broke up with you? Just like that?"

"Just like that," she says after she finishes gulping down her fourth glass of water.

"Did she tell you why?"

"Nope. Just said that she felt differently, like four months was enough time to feel something about someone. But it's not, right?"

Tori doesn't think Jade hears her until Jade responds with a soft "right" beside her.

"Right," she echoes.

Tori can't tell for sure if Jade is lying. Because she is.

/

Jade waits for Heather to pick up the phone, but nothing happens; she gets sent to the voicemail.

"Really? You break up with her and you can't even come up with a better excuse than "I don't feel it anymore"?! Are you insane? I don't know if you know this, but Tori is on her way to become an alcoholic because of you. I don't even care if you call me back, I just want to tell you what kind of mess you left behind over here."

/

It's the week before Thanksgiving and all Tori wants is to be around her family.

She wants, so badly, to tell Trina about her break-up, but she holds off on it. She doesn't know why, exactly, just knows that she doesn't know if she can handle her sister telling her about how wrong she is, about everything.

As she's nursing her second cup of cocoa, there's a knock at her door.

Without giving it too much thought, she opens the door and is genuinely surprised to find her now ex-girlfriend at the door.

"I know I broke up with you, and I don't deserve for you to listen to me, but I hope you do anyway."

"And why should I give a damn about you?"

"Because I wanna explain why I did it."

.

She has an inkling that she'll regret every decision she makes tonight, but for the time being, she lets the alcohol consume her entire body and free herself up.

After last call, Tori struggles to scroll through her phone for a viable number to call. When she gets around halfway on her contacts, she stops. She'll blame her next move on the alcohol surging through her but she presses the green button and holds the phone up to her ear.

As she struggles to lean on one of the walls away from the loud music, she doesn't bother with any greeting.

"Jade? Jade come pick me up."

/

"Come on, Vega," Jade grunts as she pulls Tori upright from her slouching position by the wall. "Oh for the love of god, you'd think someone as skinny as you wouldn't be so heavy."

Tori giggles her way from the door to her bed, Jade carrying her along the way. When Jade drops her on the bed, Tori raises both of her hands.

"Oh no, no, no," she says, backing away. "Me bringing you home is my charity. You are going to have to undress yourself out of those clothes because I'm not doing it."

She fills a glass that's already on the bedside table with some water from the bathroom sink and takes the aspirin bottle from the medicine cabinet before returning beside Tori.

Tori, amidst her drunken giggles, slurs through her words.

"Heather and I broke up."

Jade raises from her crouched position and places the strewn clothes from the floor on the bed. "Yeah, I know."

"She came back today and explained herself."

Jade stills at her spot not two feet away from her neighbor.

"W-what'd she say?"

Tori giggles and it sets Jade on edge. "Something about how her interests have changed."

"Is that all she said?" By now, Jade's found herself facing Tori, seeking for a particular answer.

"You know," Tori says ignoring Jade's question as she playfully gets under the covers. "The worst part when she broke up with me is that she didn't have a reason. She just let me go to let me go."

"Tori, what did Heather say?"

"She had to have a reason, you know? She just had to." Tori grabs one of her wrists and pulls her down.

"Tori," Jade tries again, but there's a panicked lilt to her voice. "What did Heather say?"

"She told me to ask you."

Jade narrows her eyes. "What?"

"I'm sleepy now," Tori slurs before letting herself fall onto her pillow; she lets go of Jade's wrist and hides her hand under her pillow.

Jade sighs because she thinks that she's not going to get anything out of Tori at this state. She hopes that her neighbor doesn't remember the night, for both of their sakes.

"Maybe you should go to sleep."

"Maybe you're right."

Despite herself, Jade drapes the blanket over Tori when the other woman settles in the bed more comfortable. "I'm right, yes."

"Yes, you're right and I'm Tori and you love me and I love you," Tori mumbles into the pillow before scratching her nose with the blanket; she burrows herself further in bed.

The panic percolates in her chest, Tori's room closing in on her. She rushes out of the room but is mindful of the softly closing the door, even if she knows that Tori's comatose in her sleep and she can't possibly be heard.

She rushes to the door in quick strides and makes no effort to turn back around.

.

Jade doesn't relent on calling Heather at four in the morning, just lets the phone ring and ring. She stations herself by her window, furious pacing taking over.

When she hears the fourth ring, just before voicemail, she prepares herself to hang up and try again. Except this time she hears a groggy croaking voice from the other end.

"Someone better have died."

"You're going to die pretty soon."

"Jade?"

"Why did you tell her?!" Jade bellows into her phone.

"Look, can we talk about this tomorrow?"

"No! I want an answer now. Why couldn't you have just left well enough alone?!"

"Look-"

"Why did you do it?!"

"Because she fucking deserves the truth!"

Jade stands in absolute silence overlooking a deserted city just outside her window.

Heather's voice softens considerably before trying to talk again. "I told her out of spite for you. I'm sorry by how I did it, but I'm not sorry that I did."

"She didn't have to know," Jade responds in a hush whisper.

"Don't call me anymore, Jade. Please."

Jade keeps her phone by hear ear even after Heather's hangs up the phone. She overlooks the view from her window and stares out into the darkness.

She doesn't bother wiping the tears away.

She only cries harder when she reminds herself of the last time she was by her window, tears streaming down her face.

/

Tori wakes up with the biggest headache she's had in recent memory. Not even getting blitzed drunk after breaking up with Emily can level to the amount drunkenness she currently feels. She wonders if she should stop drinking heavily after every break-up. They don't do her any good.

It's not until later that afternoon when she can actually stomach any food that she thinks about what happened the night before. She remembers parts of it, but she can't quite remember everything. Glimpses of Jade appear in her memory, but she doesn't know what happened, let alone how she got home.

She looks at her phone to retrace her steps. She cringes through the texts she sends her sister, Heather and Jade. She also doesn't look far to see her countless attempts to call Jade.

She wants answers, so she travels the three yards across the hall and bangs on Jade's door.

Jade ought to know what happened to her.

.

Tori's drunken night remains a mystery.

Jade's nowhere to be found, pulling another disappearing act. Tori wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, wants to give her a chance to express herself, but her patience dissolves when days pass by and her own best friend isn't even talking to her.

She openly scoffs at the idea that Jade somehow became her best friend since she moved in. But she can't lie to herself, not when she knows that Jade, despite her otherwise flaky behavior and how upsetting she's being at the moment, has been there for her when it matters.

And all she wants is for Jade to come back and be there.

She wants to believe that Jade ignoring her has nothing to do with her drunken night, but she can't fool herself enough to play along.

.

After camping herself in their hallway, she quickly hops to her feet when she sees Jade approach her door.

She half expects for Jade to comment on her otherwise raggy appearance, but it blindsides her when Jade says nothing. She tucks a stack of papers under her arm before directing herself to her door, avoids Tori's eyes.

"You're not even going to talk to me?"

Jade doesn't respond, but she struggles to unlock her door. It gives Tori a chance to sidle up next to her and block her way.

"Stop avoiding me!"

Jade's silence is relentless and Tori's frustration and confusion drives her to push Jade back, the stack of papers flying out around them. Tori's shocked for a moment, but she figures that creating this hassle for Jade will have her neighbor blow up and fight her back.

All Tori wants is a fight.

But she doesn't get one. Jade, clearly upset, stays silent before she's quick to her knees and gathering all the sheets of paper.

Tori is rooted at her spot, unsure of what else to do. It seems as if the adrenaline has somehow seeped out and she's left with tired resignation. She kneels down across from Jade and helps gather the papers together. She doesn't know why she's doing this, why she's letting Jade unnerve her, but she's given up.

The hallway that was filled with Tori's booming frustration is now replaced with an uncomfortable silence and nothing but rustling of papers.

The sound in their silent hallway reverberates and Tori's head snaps up, a couple of sheets in one of her hands. When takes a deep breath, Tori's suspicions are confirmed.

"Jade," she says softly, braves a hand to reach across them.

"I'm sorry."

In a flurry, Jade is inside of her own apartment leaving Tori as alone as she was before. Defeated, she walks back to her own apartment and shuts the door, tosses the couple of sheets of paper on her couch before heading straight to bed.

She's still not sure what happened while she was drunk, but she can guess that it's something she doesn't want to relive.

As she curls in bed, it takes her a second to realize that it's the first time in a long time that Jade has apologized to her in a way that Tori believes her.

The last time was years ago in her backyard, the summer before senior year of high school.

.

Tori waits for her sister to pick up the phone.

"Didn't I teach you to use auto-correct when you're texting? Because those drunk texts last week were rough."

"Trina," she sighs, "open the door."

Tori's met with a confused expression on her sister's face, the phone between Trina's ear and shoulder.

"Go ahead, tell me I told you so."

"I would, but you look like shit." Trina says as she hangs up the phone and steps to the side waiting for her sister to walk in her apartment lugging a small bag with her.

Tori enjoys the peace and quiet of her sister's apartment. For a moment, she can forget the very reason she's even around.

They sit beside each other on the couch, Tori turning her sister down when she offers her some wine.

"You told me to be careful, and I wasn't. So I have no one else to blame but myself."

"You can put the blame on her, you know. She's the one who refuses to talk to you."

"What's the use? She's hard-headed and stubborn and completely irrational."

"Yeah, she's a total bitch and honestly, if I were you, I would just ignore her. She's not worth it. She's just as bad, if not worse, than Emily."

Tori looks completely shocked, doesn't believe her ears. "What? No. Jade is better than that. She's hard-headed and stubborn and completely irrational but she's a better person. She would never purposefully hurt me."

"Oh, so what's she doing now?"

"I thought you were here to console me?" she asks pulling herself back.

"I am. But you have to admit, this isn't just you being upset that you're losing a friend."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying what I told you in high school, Tor."

Tori looks away, separates herself from her sister's embrace. "I'm not in love with her."

"Uh huh."

"I'm not."

"Okay. You're not. But you're also not fooling anyone."

.

She hates that her sister knows more about herself than she does.

She hates that her sister is right.

She hates that it's high school all over again.

.

"So how are you and Heather? I know it's only been a week, but, you know…"

"Do you really care?"

"Give me some credit, Tor."

Tori sighs before dropping her head on the dinner table. "We're actually fine. We're still not going to hang out or anything, but we're better. I got desperate to figure out what was going on with Jade, she told me that Jade fought with her at like four in the morning."

"Jesus, she sounds like a mess."

"Trina."

"Whatever, I'm just saying. I know messes. I am one. Anyway, so Heather, your ex-girlfriend, had to tell you what happened to your 'It's Complicated' and now you're here trying to explain it to me. Is this what lesbianism is about? Because if that's the case, I'll stick to my men."

Tori doesn't fight the laugh that bubbles over. When she calms herself down a little with a faint smile on her face, her sister winks at her before dialing the pizza place.

.

Her sister wishes her a good sleep before they both travel back home for the holidays, but when her phone lights up to inform her that it's half past three, she's not surprised in the slightest.

She decides to sit up from the couch and turn one of the sidetable lamps on and reaches across the coffee table to her bag. After she rummages through her things and retrieves a notebook out, she leans back on the couch and pulls out the same couple of sheets of paper Jade drops the night before.

She hasn't afforded herself the time to read them, so she skims through the words. It takes a while to jog through her recollection, but when she realizes what story Jade is telling, she's hit with a nostalgic punch straight to her chest.

"Oh."


	5. Part Five

_Love it has no guarantees_

_Which muse will lay its hands on me_

**;;**

_**Early December** _

On a casual Wednesday afternoon just before the dinner rush Jade sits silent at one of Joan's tables pouring over her stack of papers, sipping on her fifth refill of coffee.

She hears the screech of the chair on the floor, but pays no mind, just flips between two pages. In the corner of her eye, she notices Joan settle in her seat, hands clasped with an eager smile on her face.

"Whatever it is, no," Jade says, not unkindly, as she turns another page.

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Consider it a sixth sense."

She maintains her eyes on her papers but she can feel her waitress staring at her. She knows that when it comes to ignoring people and things that she's a real winner. But she's read the same sentence ten times and hasn't progressed from her spot. So she relents, decides to humor the woman across from her.

She exaggerates her groans but offers a soft smile for the woman.

"All right, fine, what is it?"

Delighted, Joan's smile widens before she presses herself forward; she excitedly invites Jade to her New Year's party.

"My previous answer stands."

"Oh come on, it'll be fun! It'll be your first New Year's in the city, right? Plus, with all the tips you and your friends threw my way all year, I could afford to do something a little extra. It happens once a year."

She stares at her waitress, tries to shake the smile from forming. She doesn't want to go, doesn't think she'll have much fun, but the words spill from her lips before she has a proper chance to reconsider.

"Maybe. I'll get back to you."

Joan squeals before rising from her seat and brushing down her clothes. "Awesome. It's not for a while, so you have plenty of time to ditch your friends and come hang out with your favorite waitress. Okay, I'll let you get back to whatever it is you're doing."

She makes a subtle motion to move her forearm over the stack just as Joan peeks over the table. Joan's curiosity gets the best of her as she lifts herself from her chair.

"What  _are_  you working on?"

"It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing from how intently you've been working on it all afternoon."

"It's just, uh, an old project I'm revisiting."

"Can I even ask or do I need to back away?" she says, chuckling.

Jade sighs. Parts of her brain are quarrelling with each other, to tell or not to tell. Eventually, not having someone to talk to for a while takes a toll. So she pushes the stack on the table.

"It's a play that I'm writing. Or well, re-writing. The project started back in high school."

"Was it for a class?"

"It was one of the ideas I had for my senior project. But I chose a different one in the end."

Joan tilts her head a little and looks at her curiously. "So why are you re-writing it now?"

She shrugs. "It wasn't like any of my other stories where they were darker in nature or anything like that. I think because it was so different from everything else, it was the one that I liked the best. But it just didn't work at the time."

Joan listens to her intently. "So what's it about?"

"What?"

"The play. What's the story?"

Jade leans forward, starts fiddling with the handle of her coffee cup. She exhales loudly a couple of times attempting to put into words what her story is even about. "It's a story about these two people. And they're not really supposed to like each other, but they end up doing the opposite of that. But one's a coward and the other's a quitter so everyone just kind of ends up miserable."

"So it's not a love story?"

"Oh it is, but it's not necessarily a happy love story."

"Why not?"

"Because sometimes love stories don't deserve it."

"That's deep."

Jade laughs along when she looks up at Joan's amused expression. "Yeah, definitely."

"You never know, though. Cowards and quitters can have happy endings, too," Joan says when she stands from her seat. "All right, well. Thanks for show and tell. I'll get back to work."

She taps the table twice before sauntering away. Jade just watches as she does so. Joan is a couple of steps away from her before she beckons her back. Her waitress whips around with confusion on her face.

Silently and with a smirk, Jade raises her cup to signal another refill. She's met with a small laugh and a nod.

As she resituates herself on her desk and pulls the stack closer to her, she doesn't think it's a very good idea to attend. But she thinks it's a better alternative than shutting herself in her apartment and finding no other friend than the one from across the hall. Bitter at the thought, she submerges herself back in her work, hopes to distract her from any more dangerous thinking.

/

Tori's angry.

A dark cloud has placed itself above her head for the last couple of weeks. And she hates it. She hates how her neighbor has made her feel, how ignored she's been since that incident in the hallway. She hates Jade for being so temperamental. She hates Jade for being the way that she is, impulsive and volatile and a total coward. She hates that all she wants to do is still talk to Jade and fix this damage on their friendship.

She hates that she still even wants to be part of Jade's life.

But what she hates more than anything is herself. Because she wants to give up and move on, but she knows that she can't, not this time.

Tori's angry.

Because she wants Jade back in her life.

.

She double-checks to make sure that Jade's car is actually parked in the lot. Panic strikes her when she considers that Jade has someone with her at her apartment right now. But she's quick to dismiss the idea. She doesn't care if Jade has someone else there, she just wants to mend their friendship. That's it.

She looks down on the papers she's holding as if the words on them will tell her what to do. She places her hands on her stomach trying to calm herself. When she thinks words will come out of her mouth and not her breakfast, she decides to raise her empty fist and knock on the door.

She hears padded footsteps from behind the door and she steels herself. When the door swings open, she offers her most genuine smile.

"Jade, hi."

"Tori," Jade says, surprised.

"I wanted to give this back to you." She raises the papers for her neighbor to take. Jade stares at the papers before finally looking back up at her. "You forgot them when..."

Jade takes it from her.

"Thanks."

"I, uh, didn't know you were working on it again."

"I'm not."

"Jade."

"Thanks for giving it back. I gotta go." Jade steps back from her door and tries to push it closed.

"Wait, hey," she says, a hand on the door, pushing to keep it open.

"What?"

"Don't you think we should talk about why we haven't seen each other for the last two and a half weeks?"

"We've been busy. Take your hand off the door."

Push.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I'm not doing anything. Take your hand off the door, Tori."

Push.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about. Last time I'm telling you to take your hand off the door."

Push.

Jade's stoic expression transforms to a livid one. She's clenching her jaws and gripping the door knob. Tori hates that it's resorting to this, but she's just glad that Jade's reacting. When she takes her hand off the door, she pushes her foot forward, effectively stopping the door.

She smirks and Jade rolls her eyes. Jade rolls her eyes before turning around and walking away from her door, leaving Tori to do nothing but follow her. So she does. She crosses through the living area and rushes ahead of Jade to stop her from going to her room.

"No. You're going to talk to me right now." She dares to hold Jade in place, her hands on her neighbor's arms. Jade doesn't seem to be budging out of her grasp, so she keeps them in place.

Jade doesn't say anything so Tori takes that as her cue to keep going.

"You can't ignore what happened, okay? You just can't."

"You wanna try."

Tori glares at her before continuing. "I'm sick of this. We're too good of friends to throw that away."

"Are we Tori? Are we? Because last I checked, we weren't friends."

"Bullshit!"

"Just get out of my way, okay?"

"You said you loved me."

"I was drunk."

"And I said I loved you."

Jade stills and Tori pushes forward. "Heather told me everything, okay? She told me what happened with you."

Jade sneers before jerking her arms away from Tori. "So you two back together?"

"What? No! Jade. This has nothing to do with Heather and everything to do with  _you_." Tori's getting tired of Jade's stubbornness and with each exchange, she's losing more and more of her resolve to fight. "We have to talk about the feelings we have for each other because mine aren't just feelings I have for friends. They're stronger than that. And they're stronger than any kind of feelings I ever had for Heather."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I know, behind all that really obnoxious arrogance and stubbornness that you feel the same way."

"You don't know anything, Tori. You didn't know anything back in high school and you don't know anything now."

Tori's jaw clenches. She raises her hands in frustration, flailing with complete disbelief.

"Why are you trying so hard to push me away?! We're not in high school anymore. I'd like to think things are a lot different from before."

"Is it? Because it looks the exact same to me, Tori. We're still the fucking same." Jade's hands are on her waist, but she doesn't meet Tori's eyes.

Softly, "Maybe, this time, you give this a chance."

Jade shakes her head. "We're just not good for each other. I'm not good for you."

Tori feels justified in giving up. She doesn't want to try anymore. So she crosses back the living area and heads for the door.

"You're a coward, Jade West. You're the biggest coward I know."

She closes her eyes, braces for the loud bang of the slammed door. When she opens them, there are tears.

.

"I hate her."

"I know."

"I don't ever wanna speak to her."

"I know."

"Trina, are you listening to me?"

Her sister scoffs. "Of course I am."

"Because for once I'd like you to give me the attention that I need right now."

"Tor, I just said I was listening. You hate her and never wanna speak to her. Did I cover everything or is there anything else I need to know?"

She sighs, defeated. She burrows her head at the crook of her elbow. She thinks perhaps if she just closes her eyes, she'll open them to an alternate universe.

In a muffled whisper, she says aloud more to herself than anything, "I still love her."

"I know."

/

**_Late December-Early January_ **

Weeks have rolled by without anything from Tori. Her wishes for Tori to vanish have seemingly been answered. Every now and again, as she sits in her living room, she'll hear faint voices in the hallway. She can always tell that at least one of them is Tori's. A twinge of jealousy flares every now and again and she has to reprimand herself for feeling a certain way about someone that isn't hers.

Images of her fight with Tori plague her and she wishes she hadn't said any of those words. It's not the way she'd wanted things to go, but Tori had been relentless. She wonders if things are much different from before or if her eyes are only playing tricks on her. But it's done and now she can work on moving on.

It's a reckless ambition because she knows she's lying to herself.

.

_Hi! Just saying hi! So hi! :)_

Jade stares at her phone with a faint smile on her face. She contemplates leaving it alone, but she's run out of people around her to talk to. Trying to have a successful therapy session with children is a moot point.

Instead of texting back a reply, she hits the green button and presses her phone to her ear.

"Oh hey!"

"Hey, Cat."

"How's it going? Are you not teaching your kids today?"

"No, the last one left early for a doctor's appointment. I need to talk to you about something."

Jade can hear Cat hum in the background.

"All right. Shoot."

"We had another fight. And she's really mad at me."

The humming stops. "Why'd you fight?"

Jade recalls the events of their fight. She wants to say she's forgotten, but she can't fool herself. Not when the images of their fight replay itself in her head.

"She confronted me."

She meets silence from the other end, so she lets out a deep sigh. "She wanted to talk about why I'd been ignoring her."

"I thought you guys were friends?"

She can't give a straight answer because she knows that she doesn't have any. "It's a little bit more complicated than that."

"Oh, because you're in love with her," Cat explains. Jade can't help but roll her eyes even at the face of her misery; her frustrations quickly rising.

"Yeah, Cat. Because I'm in love with her."

"You can still be friends with people you're in love with, right? I think that's kind of the point."

She has to question if she and Cat are having the same conversation because this isn't the path she imagined this talk to take.

"I don't think you quite understand what I'm trying to say here, Squeaks. She said that she loved me too. When she was drunk."

"So you two love each other." She thinks Cat poses it as a question but it sounds nothing like one.

"Yes! Finally, you get it."

"Ummmm," Cat starts. "Jade, I don't think I understand what the problem is."

She huffs because when she thinks about it, she doesn't know if there really was a problem except for herself. She's the problem.

In quiet defeat, she rubs the bridge of her nose. "There is a problem, Cat. And that problem is me. I'm a coward."

"Oh."

/

Over the years, the Christmas holidays have grown to be a quiet affair for the Vega household. But with her parents taking a two week cruise vacation to the Bahamas this year, Christmas feels too quiet for her.

She and Trina spend their Christmas together, exchanging presents with one another.

"I told you Christmas was totally covered," Trina says as Tori opens the last of her presents, a replacement leather jacket for the one she apparently 'borrowed'.

Tori stares at her sister. "But does this pay back all the other stuff you took from me without telling me?"

"Tor, let's not be greedy this holiday season, all right?"

She can't help but laugh. "All right, all right."

She pulls an envelope from her purse with Trina's name written in cursive. "I made some friends at work and they helped me pull some strings."

Trina's eyes bulged open and she hungrily tore open the envelope to reveal two tickets to the  _Justin Bieber Belieber Forever_  Tour.

"Oh my god Tor, you didn't!"

"But I did!"

Her sister lunges for her and brings her in a crushing embrace toppling her to the ground.

"And you got backstage passes?! Did you have to sleep with some of these 'friends' of yours? Because like I approve of that but you didn't' have to," she says when she leans her weight on her elbows looking down at her sister.

"What? No. I didn't sleep with anybody for these tickets. Give me some credit."

"I wasn't gonna judge, Tor. Just saying."

She rolls her eyes before adjusting herself in a seating position, pushing her sister off of her.

"I thought that you and Gorge can go together or something."

Trina sits up and makes a face "Are you serious? Why would I ever wanna take Gorge to a Justin Bieber concert? Where I have backstage pass. Where I will try to get Justin Bieber to sign my breasts. Where I will try to do unspeakable things with him?"

She cringes and visibly gags. "Please, Trina. Stop talking."

"All I'm saying is, I'm not taking him. Besides, you got me these tickets, I'd want you to go."

"Only if you promise not to harass Justin Bieber and get us kicked out," she warns.

"I make no such promises. I'll just promise that I will  _try_  not to get arrested."

.

After presents have been exchanged they, along with Trina's boyfriend Gorge, attend Christmas dinner with one of Trina's best friends. Everyone else is having fun and when she can, she jumps in to conversations with some of the people in attendance.

But she can't shake off feeling like an outsider. These are Trina and Gorge's friends. She doesn't belong here.

She goes back alone to Trina's apartment later that night when Trina goes home with Gorge.

"Are you sure you're gonna be all right by yourself?" her sister asks from the passenger seat of Gorge's car.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You two have a good time. I'll see you tomorrow before I head back home."

"Let's talk about it then, all right?"

She nods before glancing at Gorge. "Merry Christmas, Gorge. It's nice to finally meet you."

The man who's otherwise been quiet during their conversation leans down to get a better look at her. "You as well! Happy Christmas to you!"

She gives her sister a peck on the cheek before stepping back and waving at them as the car pulls from the curb.

As she lies in bed wide awake, she wonders where her life could have gone so terribly, to spend Christmas alone. Before burying herself in sadness, her phone vibrates signaling a text.

When she slides the screen open, she reads the text from Heather.

_Merry x-mas! Sorry this is so late, but I hope you're having a good time wherever you are. I'll see you at work this week. Don't get drunk on eggnog, I don't recommend it. Byee :)_

She doesn't respond, just places her phone on the bedside table and reburies herself under the covers.

She wishes she liked Heather more, even loved her. But she can't, and she doesn't.

It's not the first time she spends Christmas alone. But it is the first time she spends it lonely.

.

She wakes up to a light snoring and a weight pressed to her side and limbs on top of her. She turns her head, curious, until she sees her sister's hair splayed all over the pillow. She moves her body back and forth, nudges her sister awake.

"Trina, please get off of me."

"Is that what you say to women? Because that's not going to keep them in bed," Trina says as she stretches beside her.

Tori groans, not feeling up to playing around. "What are you even doing here? I thought you were with Gorge."

"I was. But then he had a call from the hospital so he had to go."

"So you thought it'd be wise to take a nap on a bed that's already occupied?"

"I was waiting for you to wake up! But you never did, so I thought I'd finish up my beauty rest."

She can't help but roll her eyes. "Why are you on the bed, Trina?"

Her sister huffs indignantly beside her before retrieving a wrapped flat square object from the other bedside table. "This is your real Christmas present."

"What?"

"Yeah. It was going to be late, so I didn't bother to tell you about it. Work got it Saturday but I thought it was gonna show up today. So Merry Christmas."

She looks at her sister, confusion etched on her face. "Well, what is it?"

"I wouldn't have bothered wrapping it if I thought I'd ruin the surprise myself, Tor."

She shakes her head but curiosity gets the best of her. When she takes the gift-wrap off, she's left with a smiling version of her younger self holding on to a microphone. "I, um, what is this?"

"It's a record."

"Yeah, but why does this have my picture on it?"

"I went home a couple of months ago and found a bunch of your recorded songs in some random box in the attic. So I got someone to put it together and make it all fancy. But if you don't have a record player, then you'll have to get that yourself. I ran out of money."

Tori can't find the words. So she settles for inspecting the cover closely. It's an image of her from junior year of high school, when she felt she was on top of the world. When she turns it over, there's a track listing of fifteen songs; songs that she collaborated on with her old best friends, songs that remind her of fond memories with those old best friends. As she reads each one, she can almost hear the music and the words to each song.

"I don't know what to say."

"A thank you would be nice."

"This is unexpected."

"What's unexpected is that you stopped singing in the first place, but maybe this will jog your memory."

Trina jumps from her spot, seemingly delighted by Tori's speechless reaction.

"All right, well. I'm gonna hop in the shower so we can go to lunch, okay?"

But Tori remains quiet, disbelief still on her face.

"Tor!"

"Yeah, all right," she says without looking at her sister. Just as her sister shuts the door, she calls back for her. "Thank you," she says offering a smile at her sister. Her sister smiles back before shutting the door to leave Tori to herself.

The smile on her face falters a little when the last title on the record catches her attention.

_Closest I Get – Tori Vega, Jade West_

/

Jade adjusts the pre-made ribbon she taped on the bottle before knocking on Joan's apartment door. She wants to believe that she's in the wrong place and that going home is probably the best idea, but when some stranger opens the door and Joan spots her, she thinks there's no going back.

Her waitress greets her with such excitement and festivity.

"Jaaade!" she exclaims before pulling her into a hug. When they break apart, Jade can smell the champagne remain on her clothes.

"Joan, Happy New Year!" she responds half-heartedly offering the bottle.

"Oh you shouldn't have," she says just as she accepts it and pushes Jade to the kitchen. "I gotta attend to the other guests. But just go get something to drink from the kitchen and mingle."

Jade plasters a tight smile before making a beeline for the kitchen. She thinks that alcohol is going to be necessary to make it through the rest of the night.

.

By eleven that night, the party at Joan's apartment has picked up. She's surprised to meet so many of Joan's friends. She reckons having a waitressing job gets you to meet a lot of different people.

As she walks back to the kitchen to get another glass of punch, she overhears a voice of a woman talk to some guy about  _The Scissoring_. Her ears perk up and she wants to put a face to the voice. When she gets to the kitchen counter beside the sink, she discovers that the discussion is being held by the two people across from her standing by the bar.

She silently refills her glass and tries not to eavesdrop from their conversation when the woman beckons for her.

"Hey, hey," she says. "Excuse me."

Jade looks up, a blank expression on her face, and says nothing.

"Yeah, hey. Have you ever seen the movie  _The Scissoring_?"

She resists the smirk on her face before nonchalantly responding. "Yeah, I've seen it."

.

Jade spends the next forty minutes animatedly talking about one of her all-time movies. When the guy gets summoned by his girlfriend across the room, he leaves Jade and the woman conversing.

"I didn't think you'd know so much about that movie."

"Oh, that movie was my whole life back in high school."

"You don't seem the type."

"Yeah, well," she says shrugging, nostalgic for the memories of her past.

"My name's Eve."

"Jade."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. How do you know Joan?"

"She's my favorite waitress." Eve produces an unusually loud laugh for something that isn't at all humorous before leaning forward. Jade lets her, thinks the attention is kind of nice. She has nothing to lose or gain with harmless flirtation, so she lets the alcohol in her system make the decisions for her.

They're huddled on one side of the couch giggling into each other's shoulders when something catches Jade's attention behind Eve's head.

She's rigid in her spot and makes a point not to look at Joan greet Heather and Tori at the door. How she can overlook this tiny detail is beyond her, but now all she wants to do is go home.

"Sorry we're late, Joan! Heather and I stopped by to visit her sister's family."

"That's fine! Make yourself comfortable. The drinks are in the kitchen."

"Jade, did you hear me?"

Jade snaps her head to the direction of Eve's voice and stares at her. "I said did you hear me?"

"Yeah, I heard you. Can you excuse me for a second, I need to go to the bathroom." She doesn't wait for Eve to respond, just shoves her cup in Eve's free hand before standing up and making her way to the door.

She doesn't think it's fair that for twenty minutes of actual fun at this party is enough to be tortured this heavily.

Just as she's a couple of feet away from the door, a hand grabs a hold of her and yanks her to the side by the closet.

"What are you doing here?" Heather asks, clearly looking around for Tori.

"Uh, excuse you," Jade starts as she pulls herself away from Heather's grasp. "I was invited to this party."

"What if Tori sees you?"

Jade scowls. "I don't fucking care."

"Jade-"

"I was just leaving," she says interrupting her.

"No you're not! The ball is gonna drop in like ten minutes. You don't wanna miss that." Joan surprises the two of them when she slings an arm around Jade's shoulder.

"Yes, I am," Jade says, struggling to get out of Joan's surprisingly strong grasp.

"Jade."

The three of them turn around.

"Tori."

She thinks that the next time she goes to pay Joan a visit she'll just dine and dash as punishment.

Jade sighs before grabbing the glass from Joan's hand and gulping the rest of the drink down. She walks away from all of them and heads back to where she last left Eve.

.

Someone with nothing but his boxers and his grizzly beard is running around announcing that there are only five minutes left before the New Year arrives.

Eve, so distracted with the half-naked man, has to ask Jade to repeat her question.

"I said, do you wanna get out of here? Go back to my place?"

A wicked smile grows on Eve's face and Jade reconsiders her request. But she's already put the question out there and she's not backing down now.

"Let me just get my stuff from one of the rooms."

"Sure, I'll wait outside."

She rises from her spot on the couch and navigates her way back to the door. It's a lot harder now that more people are clamoring to get inside the room to watch ball drop. She avoids looking anywhere else but the front door. She thinks that doing so would be more problematic.

She sighs in relief when she makes it outside of the apartment door without being noticed. When she hears the door knob jiggling, she turns around expecting Eve.

"Hey, you got everythi-"

"Hey, Jade. Are you leaving?"

"No, I just like to hang around hallways alone."

"It's good to see you," Tori offers. Jade shakes her head.

"No it's not."

"Are we never going to talk about this?"

Jade runs her hands over her face as if doing so would somehow wipe her frustrations away.

"What do you want me to say? That I love you? That I haven't stopped since high school? That I probably did some irreparable damage on a man who only wanted to make me happy? That I have spent so long thinking that I was over you when really, I'm not? That I am so scared to love you?"

She attempts to regain her breath, panting after revealing what she's worked so hard to hide. She watches as Tori's jaw clenches and anger surfaces on her features.

"Don't you think I'm afraid too? Do you think you're the only one that's suffered? Do you think you're the only one that sacrificed a lot? Trina compiled all the recorded songs that I made, that  _we_  made in high school into this record. And I fucking bawled my eyes out hearing the voices of my old best friends. When you gave me up, I gave all of you up. I didn't just lose you, I lost everyone else, too!"

"You didn't have to separate yourself from us."

"Yeah, I did. Because I couldn't stand the idea of having to spend every day sitting across the table just watching him with his arm around you, doing the things that I couldn't with you. I could never have made our friends pick sides. So I made the decision for them."

"That's so stupid, Tori," Jade says, angrily shaking her head, arms folded with balled fists.

"You know what else stupid? Being a fucking coward."

"Yeah, I'm a coward. But you ran away. You just up and left."

"I had no reason to stick around."

She sighs in defeat. Her words come out hoarse, as if her own words are as exhausted as her body.

Their argument finds itself at a standstill, the hallway offering an uncomfortable eerie silence that swallows them whole.

They momentarily take their attention away from each other when they hear the muffled counting down of the people at the party.

" _10!"_

" _9!"_

"Maybe we just shouldn't be anything with each other anymore."

" _7!"_

"Nothing changes with you, do they?"

" _5!"_

"What?"

" _3!"_

" _2!"_

"It's always been all or nothing with you."

" _Happy New Year!"_

Tori's eyes are brimming with tears and Jade has to fight herself from crossing the distance between them and pulling her into her arms.

They jump in surprise when Eve appears from the door with her coat and purse.

"There you are!" she says sidestepping Tori and reaching Jade's side. "You ready?"

Jade nods as her eyes stay on Tori whose jaw is still clenched and whose fists are still balled.

When she walks away, she hears Heather's voice somewhere behind her so she speeds up, tries to get out of there as soon as possible.

/

"Trina, it's over," she says between sobs, a pathetic bawling mess on her bed.

"Okay."

"I'm gonna move."

"Whatever you want."

"I need to get out of this apartment."

"I'll come over tomorrow and we'll start looking for apartments somewhere else."

.

She opens the door to Heather with an eager smile and a plastic container full of egg drop soup. A grateful smile appears on her face before stepping aside for Heather to come in.

They make themselves comfortable on the couch with Tori's head on Heather's lap.

"Is it weird that you're consoling your ex-girlfriend about a woman that caused your relationship to break up in the first place?"

"I thought all lesbians go through this?" Tori swats Heather's arm even as she's already laughing.

"I'm serious. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with me when you don't have to."

"It's okay. I'm over it. Besides, the only time I really had to question my feelings was because of her. And after that I realized that I just really enjoyed being your friend."

Tori sighs and turns her body to the side.

"You probably didn't know you were signing up for this brand of crazy when you met me, did you?"

"I still like you, don't worry."

"But you don't like me more than that."

Heather runs a hand through her hair before shaking her head. "Nope, sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

"Are you sorry that I don't like you more or are you sorry that you also don't like me?"

"Both," she says before letting herself laugh a little. "I'm moving."

"What?"

"I'm moving. I'll break my lease and just, I can't be here. I don't know if I can be in the same city as her anymore."

"Are you sure?"

"Jade and I have never done anything but complicated. And I'm tired of it. I thought we had something good going for a while, but I'm tired."

Heather nods, but keeps running her hands through her hair. "Well, if you figure out what to do, I can probably find some of my college friends to sublet your apartment so you don't have to break your lease."

Tori sits up from her spot on the couch and faces her ex-girlfriend.

"I've never been more sorry that I'm not in love with you than I am right now."

Heather smiles back at her before planting a light, chaste kiss on her cheek. Tori watches as she leans back and opens her arms. Relieved, Tori leans down and waits for Heather to wrap her arms around her. As they lay on her couch, comforting arms holding her, she closes her eyes and feels Heather's lips on her forehead.

"Jade will regret how much she missed out on you, Tori Vega. I promise you that."


	6. Part Six

_We said the words we knocked on wood_

_And I'm still here waiting to see what could be_

_**;;** _

_**Early January** _

The dark circles under her eyes are getting harder and harder to conceal. She's exhausted. Her body is struggling to function with the constant sleepless nights and skipped meals. Earlier in the week one of her students asked her if she was sick.

She doesn't want to think she's made a mistake. She doesn't want to regret her decisions because she's done that far too many times already. It's getting old. But she thinks she doesn't know if she can do much of anything else.

.

She wakes up with a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wants to say it's the unhealthiness of her recent routines, but she can't even fool herself.

She presses the phone to her ear and waits for a voice to pick up from the other line.

"Hey, Jade!"

"How are you always this happy whenever you talk to someone on the phone?"

"I don't know!" Cat says just before giggling. "Anyway, what's up?"

"I think I made a mistake." The phone line goes silent and she wonders if she has to repeat herself.

"About Tori." It's not a question.

"Yeah. Tell me I'm not."

"Oh I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know if you are or if you're not."

She sighs into the phone and slumps in her office chair, swiveling it to hear the slight squeak with each turn.

"I'm miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I think about is her."

"Isn't that because you're in love with her?"

"Cat-"

"Sorry, sorry. I forgot I wasn't supposed to say the L word around you."

She shakes her head even though she knows that her best friend can't see it. She keeps on spinning in her chair. "It's fine."

"Maybe you should talk to her and tell her you made a mistake. Tori is a very kind and forgiving person, you know," Cat suggests.

"It's a lot more complicated than that. Plus, I was the one who pushed her away. I've hurt her the entire time she's been here. She doesn't deserve any of this."

"Yeah, but you deserve to sleep, too!"

"Not for how much I've hurt her, I don't."

Her slow spinning on her chair comes to a halt when Cat finishes asking her a question.

"So why is it different now?"

She finds that she doesn't know the answer to that question.

/

Tori sips her coffee as she waits for Heather. When she flips through the random pages she printed out of possible apartments, she tries her best not to think about why she's moving in the first place. She considers it a good change, a fresh start. She hopes.

Immersed in reading the different features of each place, she doesn't hear Heather pull up a chair. When Tori tries to grasp for her cup of coffee, she's surprised to feel that it isn't there. When she looks up, Heather's smirking across from her, her cup of coffee in her hands.

"Sneaky."

"You were staring intensely at those papers, I just didn't bother."

Tori takes back her drink before sliding the stack of papers across the table. "I like the second apartment. It's close enough to work and they have a proper gym. It's gated, too."

Heather flips through the papers. "Yeah, they all look good. Ready to go apartment hunting?"

Tori smiles and raises from her seat before walking beside Heather and heading to the first apartment on the list. Heather opens the door for her just before she takes the coffee cup out of her hands; she playfully swats her friend on the arm. Slowing her pace, she watches Heather open her car door and get in.

As Heather offers her a wide smile from the driver's seat before pulling out of the parking lot, Tori can't help but wish that she loved Heather more.

.

While they're inspecting aspects of the showcase unit, Tori tries to picture herself in there, her furniture in the rooms, her sister and her friends visiting. After she exits out one of the bathrooms and walks back to the living space, she finds Heather going through each cupboard.

"What are you doing?"

"When I moved into my apartment, someone left a juicer. And then the apartment I moved into in college, there was a dead rat in a plastic bag. It was rough."

Tori makes a face and pretends to visibly gag. "That's gross."

"Well, let's hope that you don't get a dead rat. But a juicer, though. That would be nice."

While Heather resumes searching through the cupboards, the apartment associate answers a call and excuses himself from the two of them. Tori leans on the bar and watches on as Heather opens all the possible doors and drawers in the kitchen. A small smile appears on her face and she thinks that she can picture herself living here with Heather.

"Heather," she starts. Heather is currently hunched down pulling the drawers in the refrigerator.

"Hm?"

"Why don't we give it another try, you and me?" Tori pulls herself back, her feet planted firmly on the floor. Heather stands back up, but doesn't turn around or even close the refrigerator door. Tori sees the slump on her friend's shoulders and wills herself not to react. She plasters on a smile when Heather pivots around and shuts the refrigerator. She offers Tori a kind smile.

"Because I'm not going to be the other woman, Tori. You and I don't deserve that."

Before Tori can respond, the apartment associate comes back and greets them.

.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to…" Tori says when they reach the parking lot of her apartment.

"I've already forgotten about it," Heather replies with a dismissive hand wave. Tori nods, accepts the kind gesture.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yup."

Tori smiles. "Thanks for coming with me today."

Heather leans forward and offers her a kiss on the cheek. "Anytime."

Tori's smile widens and she resists the urge to pull Heather back. But she knows it's not a good idea; it won't do them any good.

She scrunches her face when Heather looks at her expectantly.

"Um, I have work tonight. So you have to get out of my car."

Embarrassed, Tori jumps from her spot and quickly ushers herself out of her seat. She waves to her friend and doesn't move from her spot until Heather's turned the corner to the street. She takes a step towards the apartment entrance but stops when she sees Jade walk in.

Her heart races and she reminds herself to breathe. She counts ten Mississippis until she's sure that their paths won't cross.

/

Jade's never been more thankful for a weekend than today. After work, she finally gives in and buys some sleeping pills. She's stopped caring about her sleeping pattern. She thinks that the last week has done irreparable damage to it anyway.

She just wants a couple of hours without thinking about the mess that she's made.

.

As she lazily flips through her mail a couple of yards away from her door, she hears voices come from the stairs. She pays them no mind, thinks that they're the neighbors from upstairs. She realizes too late that she can recognize those voices.

"I still think Heather and I are right, you should pick the two bedroom instead of the one."

"Yeah well, I can't make a decision until her friend signs the sublease contract."

Jade turns her head away too late when the sisters reach the floor landing. She tries not to think about their conversation, but hearing the words "sublease" and "bedrooms" forces her to disregard every rational part of her body.

"You're moving out?"

Trina steps forward from her spot beside Tori and places her hands on her waist. Tori grabs hold of her sister's arm. "What's it to you?"

Jade ignores her, keeps her eye contact with the person behind Trina. "Where are you going?"

"Stop talking to her, you don't deserve to talk to her."

"Trina, let it go."

Jade maintains the indifference on her face, but keeps her gaze on Tori.

"No, Tor. This bitch is ruining your life and I'm not going to stand for it."

"What are you going to do, claw me with your fake nails?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Trina lunges forward with a growl and Jade thanks her reflexes for stepping backwards, just out of reach. Tori has somehow miraculously grabbed onto her sister avoiding any physical contact…so far.

"Trina. Go inside. I can handle this," she demands giving her sister the key to the door.

Trina glares at her before turning around and yanking her arms out of Tori's hold. When Trina unlocks the door and steps inside, she leaves the door wide open and keeps a close eye on her. Tori shakes her head when she realizes her sister is still staring them down.

When she closes the door, she stands rigidly tall with her arms crossed. Jade mirrors the stance, even with the handful of envelopes in her hand.

"Yeah, I'm moving out. This living arrangement isn't working out for me."

"Where, uh, where are you going?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Tori-"

She watches as Tori's jaw tenses. "Let's not be anything to each other anymore, right?"

Without another word, Jade is left in the hallway after Tori rushes into her apartment and shutting the door with a bang.

Jade slumps from her spot before dejectedly opening her door. She tries not to cry because it's her fault, all of it. But it doesn't hurt any less.

_**Middle January** _

Josie is packing up her music sheets when Jade decides to approach her.

"Hey Josie, who's picking you up today?"

The little girl looks up to her and she reminds herself to smile.

"Aunt Heather."

Jade weighs her options. The last five attempts at calling the other woman hasn't worked in her favor, so she thinks that this may be her last shot at having a proper conversation. She decides that this is for the best. She has nothing else left to lose.

"Can you tell your Aunt Heather that I would like to speak with her when she gets here?"

"Sure!"

"I'll be in my office, so just tell her to head over there okay?"

The young girl nods up at her before taking a seat on the bench by the wall. As Josie sits and reads a book from her bag, Jade struggles to remain her composure in her office, tapping incessantly on her screenplay draft.

When Heather appears by the door with a wide smile and greeting to her niece, Jade resists the urge to jump up from her spot. Instead, she takes a deep breath and pretends to read through some papers. From the corner of her eye, she notices Heather lean down to talk to the younger girl. Jade barely notices Heather look her way.

She doesn't move from her reading position until Heather knocks from the doorway.

"Josie tells me you wanted to talk to me," Heather says, arms crossed. Her face is hard and Jade wonders if this is a good idea.

"Close the door, please." When Heather doesn't move from her spot, she rolls her eyes and walks around her desk so she can push the door closed. Heather moves just in time before the door hits her.

"Why didn't you tell me Tori was moving?"

Heather scoffs. "I don't owe you anything."

"Heather-"

"Why does it matter now? Why do you care about her now? You ignored her and hurt her and I was stuck picking up the pieces."

She sighs and puts some distance between the two of them. She leans back on her desk. "Because I was afraid before."

"And you're not now? You miraculously gained the courage now?" Heather asks as she shakes her head.

"No," Jade says before crossing her arms. "I'm more afraid now."

"So why does it matter now?"

"I don't know. But I can't deny anymore that I was – I am – in love with her. And I couldn't deal with it, okay? I couldn't."

"Do you know how much you've hurt her? The entire time you've been here has been a rollercoaster of emotions and she's exhausted." Heather has placed her hands on her hips and has taken a step forward. Jade stands from her spot and tries to level with the woman in front of her.

"Don't you think I don't know that?!" Jade yells. When she catches a glimpse of Josie looking up at the two of them, she offers another smile and a wave to the younger girl. She takes a deep breath before opening her mouth again, this time her voice in a harsh whisper. "Don't you think I haven't been exhausted either?"

Heather ignores her question and stares her down. "So if she hadn't told you, if you hadn't known about her leaving, you'd have stayed away and done nothing about this?"

She slumps back down and looks out of her office window, watching Josie flips through her book. She brings her eyes back up at Heather and wonders about the same thing. She wants to believe that sooner than later, her stubbornness and her cowardice runs out and she fights for the girl. But she's been nothing but scared and frightened, so she doubts that if nothing had happened, she would have stayed in her apartment and rotted in her loneliness.

"No. I-I don't know. I may have. But I did find out about it, so what's the difference?"

Heather scoffs and plops on the chair beside her, seemingly exhausted.

"You didn't just break her heart, you know. You broke mine, too."

Jade's head snaps to turn to the other woman.

"But I thought-"

"Just because you learn to accept that someone can never be in love with you doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever."

Heather's earlier hard features have somehow softened. Instead of the anger in her eyes, she just looks exhausted; she looks small sitting on the chair.

Jade looks away, her guilt expanding in her chest.

"You hurt me, her, and your ex-fiancé. If you're really serious about your feelings, you'll think long and hard about what you really want. Because there's too much collateral damage already."

"I can't begin to apologize for how much I hurt you," she starts. "And I can understand if you never want to see me or hear from me again. But I just need to know when she's leaving. Please."

Heather doesn't answer her for some time; they just look at each other, shells of the people they used to be. Jade doesn't want to think about how much damage she's caused, how many people she's hurt. She doesn't want to remind herself that she's a bad person that hurt everything she touches.

When she considers all hope is lost, Heather stands up from her spot. "She moves out at the end of the month."

Heather turns around without another word. She pulls the door back and leaves it wide open, leaves her in a crumpled state of guilt and sadness. Jade watches as Heather approaches Josie with a smile that the young girl reciprocates, holding hands and exiting the room.

It's not until she hears the faint slam of the doors that she lets herself cry. She doesn't know how to do anything else.

.

_Hiya, Jade! It's me, Cat, but you already know that because you have caller ID. Um, anyway, I hope you're having a great day. Listen some fun things have come up. Me and the boys are going to be in town at the end of the month. Andre and our new artist, Kelly, scored a gig at this bar downtown. So I'll call you about it again later, but I thought I'd share the good news! Okay well, Robbie just came back with a big can of bibble, so I gotta go! Bye!_

.

Jade presses the tip of her phone to her chin as she stands by her bay window.

People seem to figure out how to work out life, but not her. She doesn't know if she's ready, if she ever will, to be honest. But she wants to fix things because this is the first time in a long time that she needs to try harder. Heather's words ring loud in her mind.  _There's too much collateral damage already_.

She sighs and pulls her phone back, scrolls through her contacts. When she gets to the name, her finger hovers over the call button, unsure.

She closes her eyes, presses the button and puts the phone to her ear.

It rings three times before she hears someone's voice.

"Hi, Jade."

"Hi."

Her mind blanks and she has to remind herself that she's the one who called.

"I, uh, how are you?"

There's a pause from the other line and Jade has to think this is the worst idea she's had in a long time. "I'm fine."

She pauses, tries to remember how to speak. When she opens her mouth and clears her throat a couple of times, but nothing really comes out.

"Look, I have things to get done. Is there a reason you called?"

Jade's voice hitches in her throat and she has to hide her surprise.

"Meet me for dinner."

"That's a pretty tall order, Jade."

"I know. I just…please."

She hears a sigh from the other end of the line and she hopes.

"I'll be in the city in a couple of weeks. Let's do it then."

"Okay."

"I gotta go."

"Okay."

Jade doesn't hear a goodbye, just a click. She slowly closes the call on her phone and leans on the wall, still looking out of her window.

She doesn't know if this will change anything, but she's trying. And she hopes that makes a difference.

/

"So are you still set on leaving?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Tori asks as she tries to balance her phone between her shoulder and ear while carrying two bags into her office. "I've made all the arrangements and Heather's friend is set to live there."

"I was just checking. It's what older sisters do. It's like what mothers do, but with more snarky comments."

"It's like you've never lived with Mom. Anyway, how are things with you and Gorge?"

Tori hears her sister sigh wistfully on the other line. She tries not to roll her eyes, amusement on her face. "That good, huh?"

"He's perfect. And he understands me on a level that no one else has."

"What, your Justin Bieber obsession?" Tori tries not to snicker, but fails to hide it.

"Har har," Trina says. "He understands me because he feels the way I do but about Demi Lovato."

"What a match made in pop music heaven."

"You watch your mouth there, sister. I might pick your best friend over you for being my maid of honor."

Tori gasps. "Are you telling me he proposed to you?!"

"Calm it down, sister, he hasn't popped the question. But, you know, we've been talking about it."

"I'm happy for you. Who knew you'd probably get married before me."

"Uh, I did. Are you kidding? I'm a total catch, don't even deny it." Tori can picture her sister inspecting her nails, the indignation a source of amusement. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. But hey, I'm at work so I gotta go."

"Tor, this ain't healthy, babe, you need to talk about it."

"Oh my boss is here worktimegottagoloveyoubye!" she says, rushing her words before clicking on the End button. She'll have to apologize for hanging up the way she did later, but for now, she feels relieved for having to dodge another conversation.

.

"Why the long face?" Heather asks from behind the bar, wiping down the counters.

"I'm being assigned a partnership project with our sister bar," she says as she leans over the bar and takes a cup. She gestures for Heather to fill it with water.

"So why the long face?" Heather asks again.

She shrugs. "I don't know. The project is to get relative unknown artists to perform at the bar in like a live show type of thing at the end of the month. But that's when I'm moving out, so it just means more work."

"Why didn't you just turn Palmer down? Can't Laura do the work instead?"

"No way. That woman is getting married on Valentine's Day. No way is she going to try and give herself more work." Tori shakes her head before asking for a refill.

"Well, this might be good for you. Probably not more work, but a change of pace or something. Get your mind off of things. Besides, the moving thing isn't like an urgent thing. Theresa's pretty flexible about moving in."

"Yeah, you're right."

Heather splashes her with some of the water and Tori's disbelief turns into a fit of giggles. "Of course I am."

.

"Tori Vega speaking," she says when she picks up her phone whilst shuffling her papers for a pen.

"Hi, my name's Louise Delaney and I work for BRAC Records."

"All right, what can I help you with?"

"I'm calling on behalf of two of your performing acts for the live show at the Bartenders bar?"

"Oh, right, yes. Can you list their names for me again?"

"Sure, Kelly Edwards and Andre Harris."

Tori pauses. She doesn't think she heard right. "I'm sorry, you said Kelly Edwards and Andrew Harris?"

"No, there's no W. Andre."

"Right."

Tori continues to finalize the details with Louise trying to avoid distracting herself with the idea that this Andre Harris could be the same Andre Harris from high school. There had to be plenty of Andre Harrises that lived in California.

"Okay, we look forward to seeing you soon. Thank you."

"Thank you," she states belatedly, long after Louise hangs up the phone.

.

She wants to confirm her suspicions. So when she looks the BRAC records online, it takes her a moment to get her breathing back to normal. The website's About page shows a group photo of her old best friends staring back at her with wide smiles. It warms her heart to see them so happy, still together.

She calls Louise back and asks for Andre's personal contact information. She stares at the number for a while before picking up her phone and dialing the number. It's been years since she's spoken to her best friends last, so it takes her awhile to work the nerve up to call him.

When she hears the phone ring, she forces herself not to hang up the phone.

"Andre Harris speaking."

"Andre, it's Tori Vega."

_**Late January** _

The rest of the week Tori struggles to contain her excitement about seeing her old best friends after all these years.

"I've missed them so much. Andre and I ended up talking on the phone for three hours when he called me back after work. I've forgotten how funny he is."

Heather's smiling at her as she takes a bite of her bagel. "That's great I'm so glad that you and your old best friends are reuniting. When are they coming?"

"Next week. Andre and one of their signed artists are going to be singing at the live show."

Heather points at her with a smirk on her face. "See, I told you that this would turn out well."

"Let's not get carried away," Tori says, rolling her eyes. For once in the last few weeks, she's excited about something. Busying herself with work and the move has given her a sense of purpose and takes away time from thinking about Jade.

Right now, it's all she can ask for.

/

_Hi Jade, hi! We're in town and staying at a hotel downtown. We're having brunch at that restaurant you took me to a couple of times – I forget the name – around 11:30. Anyway, it's going to be me, Andre, Robbie, Kelly, Louise, Beck and Tori. Call me back if you can make it!_

Jade stares at her phone. She aches when the last two names echo in her mind. She thinks that this is a deserved punishment for how much hurt she's caused.

She deletes the message before she opens her office door to two of her students waiting patiently.

/

It's the first morning that Tori wakes up excited. She welcomes the bubbling excitement that morning even after strings of sleepless nights in the last handful of weeks. She doesn't bother sneaking out of her own apartment for fear of any interactions with her neighbor.

Nothing is going to ruin her day.

.

By the time she gets to the restaurant, the group has already been seated and giving out their drink orders. She doesn't say a word, just steps into the space quietly until Cat sees her first.

"Tori!"

Before long, her old best friends greet her with warm hugs and bright smiles. After their small reunion, she's introduced to the other parts of the group who offer her the same kind of greetings as her friends. She's been reserved the seat in the middle between Cat and Andre.

It's the happiest that Tori feels in a long time and she can't erase the wide grin on her face.

.

"So where have you been, Tori?" Robbie asks before he takes a sip of his water.

"Around," she offers with a shrug.

"Oh come on. You disappear after high school and you just say, 'Around'?" Beck asks from across the table.

She shrugs again, but she tries to come up with a proper response. "I don't know, to be honest. I don't remember. I've just kind of tried to live a quiet life for a while. And now here we are."

Andre laughs. "You? A quiet life? I find that hard to believe. For y'all that don't know. Tori caused a lot of trouble in high school."

She swats his arm. "I did not! Trouble just always seemed to follow me around like a puppy."

By the time their food arrived at the table, Tori's friends have gone around and told various stories about her. She remembers how good it felt to be around them. She reminds herself that she can't let them out of her life again.

Just after they reach a small lull in their conversations as they eat, Robbie remarks on something that forces Tori to snap her head at his direction.

"This is just like having the old gang back. Too bad Jade's not here, then the group would be complete." He resumes his eating seemingly oblivious to the rest of his friends looking at one another. When Tori catches Beck's eyes, she tries her best to casually look away.

"Doesn't she live around here?" Robbie continues after he takes another sip of his drink. "Do you guys ever hang out?"

Tori clears her throat. When she opens her mouth to speak, she's surprised that Cat beat her to it.

"Jade's working so she's not around. And I don't think she and Tori hang out too much, right Tori?"

She nods her head eagerly. "Yeah, um, we have very busy schedules." She offers Cat a small smile before going back to her food. The awkwardness doesn't settle for too long when Kelly and Louise start talking about the show for the next day.

.

While half of the group takes their bathroom break, Tori jumps in surprise when Andre taps her on the arm.

"What was that thing earlier?"

"What thing?" she asks as she plays with the precipitation of her glass.

"You know what. That thing with Jade."

She shrugs and feigns ignorance. She doesn't try to look him in the eye, though. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Andre puts a hand on her. She looks at his hand before looking up at his face. "You know, we're not stupid. We know you have a history with Jade in high school."

"What?"

"Yeah. We'd always been suspicious back then, but when Jade ran out on Beck at city hall last year, he told us about it."

Tori's eyes widen. "Oh my god, does he think that I was the one that ruined his relationship with her?"

Andre laughs. "Nah. It's not like that. He doesn't blame you for anything."

"Good," she says, visibly sighing in relief.

"Look, it makes sense that y'all got a past because when you came up in conversation a few months back when she visited back home, you were a sore subject. We didn't talk about you at all. Which was a damn shame 'cause I wanted to know how you were doin'."

"Andre," she starts. "Thanks. But she is a sore subject and I'd rather we didn't talk about it."

"Hey, it ain't a big deal. We don't have to talk about anything you don't wanna talk about. But now that we're all reunited, know that I got your back."

She smiles at him, grateful for the same kindness he's always extended towards her. She doesn't get to verbalize her thanks because the rest of the group has returned from the bathroom.

.

They congregate on the sidewalk and talk about the next couple of days. Andre and Kelly remind the group that they have to get things in order. The rest of the group disperses until Tori finds that it's just her and Beck.

"I guess it's just us," she says awkwardly, uncertain how the awkwardness has so quickly filled the space between them.

"Come on, Tori. Let's go for a walk."

She can't find a legitimate reason to say no, so she huffs before catching up to him. She doubts this will lead to anything good, but she knows that after such a perfect meal with her old friends, reality is bound to set sooner or later.

.

The silence between them is in a limbo. For however stressed Tori feels walking beside him, he seems to express the complete opposite. He's Beck. He's always been calm and cool about everything.

"No one is following us," he says with a smirk on his face, eyes trained ahead of them. She looks up at him surprised.

"What?"

"We've been walking all of two minutes and you're looking around like someone's after us."

Tori bites her lip and inwardly reprimands herself. "Sorry, I just…"

"We used to be friends too, you know," he says finally looking at her and meeting her eyes. "Before you and I became Jade's exes."

Her eyes widen in panic. She almost stumbles on her own feet. "How did-"

He laughs a little. "How did I know?"

Dumbly, she nods.

"You spend a third of your life with someone you can read better than any book, you learn a thing or two."

"Oh."

"So I know about the two of you."

"I'm sorry," she says, looking up earnestly. She is sorry. She forgets that there were other people that have been hurt in this complicated relationship.

"Don't be. She never cheated on me with you, so I can't blame you for her never loving me as much as I loved her. You didn't cheat, right?"

"Oh god, no!" she replies quickly, shaking her head. "No, no. Never."

They walk in relative silence, the awkward tension that Tori felt just earlier somehow having dissipated with each step.

"So is she why you disappeared after high school?"

She sighs. "Yeah."

He shakes his head and offers her a tight smile. "I'm sorry she's too big a coward with you."

"How did you-"

"Cat."

"What?"

"I knew about it from Cat. When you get her talking, especially with all that bibble, she'll never stop talking."

"Right."

They stop by a small park, taking a break on one of the benches. They're people watching, their heads moving around and following the movements of strangers around them. While Beck follows a set of bikers on the road pass them by, Tori watches him.

"So how are you? I mean, since the, um, since you two broke up."

He shrugs, his hands still in his pockets. "It takes a while getting used to missing your best friend. But I do okay. You give yourself something to focus on and you let that be your new normal."

"I'm sorry she wasn't the one."

He laughs a little. She wonders if that's his way of coping about the sadness in his life. If you can't cry about it, may as well laugh.

"She could have been. But she and I got too comfortable. We were all we knew," he says as he turns to face her. "She was fearless with me because I think a part of her knew it wasn't going to last."

She scrunches her face. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Well, that's Jade for you. She's probably afraid of her own shadow with you, isn't she?"

"That's not possible. She's avoiding me like the plague."

"Did she tell you that you two were better off apart?"

"Yeah, she do the same with you?"

"Yeah. But with me, I could tell she meant it. I believed her when she said it."

Tori looks away. They stay on the bench for a couple more minutes until Beck, good and reliable Beck, gave them an out. He left her there, excused himself so he can help Andre and Kelly set up for tomorrow. She let him go, offers a small smile and a promise of seeing him tomorrow.

When he disappears back from the direction that they came, she can't help but think about what he said moments before. As hard as she tried, Tori can't shake off the nagging feeling in her chest.

Because when Jade told her they were better off apart, she didn't believe her.

/

Jade stares at the bar entrance before deciding to go in. She's there to support her friends. After Cat and Andre's incessant nagging for her to come watch them perform, she realizes that she has to be mature about this. She's out there to support her friends. If a certain someone happens to be there, she's going to be mature about it.

She spots Cat and Robbie at one of the tables near the stage; a small grin appears on her face as she makes a beeline for her friends. It's not until she spots Tori approaching the same table that stops her dead in her tracks.

She's rooted in her place in the middle of the bar. Suddenly the bar is closing in on her and she struggles to breathe properly. She turns around and tries to retreat only to run into a group of people, causing a small ruckus around her. As a couple berates her to watch where she's going, she looks back and meets a pair of eyes that sends her running faster out of the door and into the streets.

When she reaches the sidewalk, she gulps in a lungful of air. It takes her a couple of seconds to regain her proper breathing. She takes one last look at the door before walking away and going home. She can't be there anymore. She can't.

/

"Hey, what's up?" Andre asks when Tori's standing by them staring at the door. She looks at him with a confused expression.

"I think I saw Jade," she says before focusing her attention at the door again. Andre follows her line of vision, but finds nothing, no one.

"Well, she's obviously not here." Before she can properly reply, he's already walked past her and towards the stage.

"Yeah," she says softly. "She's not here."

/

Jade hesitates before opening the door to the restaurant. She doesn't think she's ready for it, but she figures that it's now or never and she has nothing else left to lose, really.

She offers a polite smile to the hostess before giving her name. They head towards the back of the restaurant. She thanks the hostess as she stands awkwardly in front of the occupied table and fiddles with the strap of her bag. She hesitates a little before sitting.

"I didn't think you'd meet me."

She waits for a response and tries not to squirm when the person before her isn't as forthcoming.

She watches until the glass of water is placed gingerly back on the table.

"I didn't either, to be honest." Long, thin fingers play with the precipitation of the glass, a tick that Jade can never erase from her memory, even if she tried.

"What made you change your mind?"

Beck shrugs in his seat. "Curiosity. It'd been a while. Almost a year, right?"

Jade wants to answer, but they're interrupted with their waitress appearing to take their orders.

"Thought I would see you last night."

"I, uh, fell asleep. I was so tired, I slept through it." She thinks it's pointless to lie to the one person that knows her best. But she's unsure of how much she can handle tonight.

"I thought maybe you didn't want to see me," he says, seeming to play along.

"No, no. That's not it, I promise." He nods, takes a sip of his water.

"So is it about Tori?"

Her eyes widen in horror and she fights to return to neutral. She ignores his question and continues on the conversation.

"So how are you?"

"Fine."

The awkwardness permeates and the confidence she had earlier about doing the right thing is dwindling. As each second pass by, the more she convinces herself that this is a mistake.

"You can just explain to me what we're doing here, Jade. It doesn't have to be like this."

She sighs and straightens herself up in her seat. "I never explained myself. For leaving, I mean."

He dismisses her with a hand wave. "I got it. I wasn't meant for you."

"It wasn't like that."

"I know. But regardless of how you think about it, it ends up being the same."

She stares at him and gets her first good look at his appearance since she last saw him. His hair is cut shorter and he's gotten a bit darker. The circles under his eyes are more prominent than she lasts remembers. She can't help the guilt rising in realizing that she's probably the cause of it.

.

Somehow, around the time their food arrives, the conversation turned to safer topics like work and family. She doesn't push her luck and goes along with it; she doesn't want to talk anymore about the drama in her life.

"How have you been?" Jade asked.

"Good. Andre and Kelly had a great performance last night that they're getting booked for another gig next month."

"That's really good to hear. I'm glad that the company is doing well."

"Yeah. What about you? How have you been?"

"I'm fine. Working full time as a voice instructor to a bunch of children."

"That's surprising. I thought you hate children."

"Yeah, well, my life is just one big surprise after another. But these ones have talent, so I hate them less." Jade plays with the corner of the table. "Are you dating now?"

Beck offers her a small smile. "Nothing serious. Immersing yourself back into the single life is hard work. But I'm having fun and things are good, if that's what you're asking."

She nods before offering a small smile of her own. "I'm glad to hear that. I really am."

"What about you?"

Jade shakes her head and looks away. "It's complicated."

"When isn't it?"

They laugh and it's easy again. Jade can remember why she loves him as much as she does, why they fell in love in the first place. It reminds her of the times when they worked well.

They proceed to talk about other menial, boring things to fill up the time they have together. A time that Jade sometimes wishes she can have back, if only to seek comfort in the good things that she had.

.

"So you know about me and Tori?" she asks, finally, after their plates were cleared in front of them.

"Cat let out bits and pieces. But after I talked with Tori yesterday, it's not hard to put it all together."

"Nothing happened between us while we were together."

He doesn't say anything, just stares at the empty spot where his plate was moments ago. She watches as he raises his arm to call for the waiter. Jade's heart plummets to her stomach and sits up from her spot.

"Beck-" she starts but he moves his hand to stop her.

"We're going to need a lot of alcohol for this."

He orders a round of shots and a couple of beers and Jade finds herself easing back into her seat, a small window of relief passing through her. She smiles despite herself.

.

"It never crossed my mind that she'd be the one you'd go after. I thought you hated her."

She weighs her options and realizes that she can't do any more lying. Not when all of it did her a whole load of nothing. She waves his words away, like they're not tethered with his own emotions. "A fine line and all that."

He tugs at an ear before leaning back in his chair. He takes a sip of his beer and looks at her. "Well," he starts. "You can't really do much better than Tori. She keeps you honest."

She scoffs before taking a swig of her drink. "What does that mean?"

He places his napkin on the table and looks at her, his demeanor changing. "You tell me. We're here, aren't we? The Jade I know wouldn't have done this."

She takes another swig at her beer and mulls over his words. There had to have been some truth in that. Maybe that's part of the reason that she didn't expect him to show up in the first place. He'd always been the one to approach her, never the other way around. And now, now Jade's fighting past demons she didn't know she could.

"Maybe she is."

"Maybe she is. And you know what, I think that's a good thing Jade. You deserve someone who can keep you honest with yourself."

"Beck, I'm sorr-"

"Nope," he says, raising his hand again. "Don't. Not yet."

.

When they finish and Jade's paid for their meals, upon his insistence that it's the least she can do, they hang around the parking lot.

"Why are you being so good about all of this, Beck? I hurt you."

"I sold all of your furniture from the apartment. And then I spent all of that money on women and booze."

She scrunches her face, unsure of what he's saying.

"I've dealt with this breakup. I'm not over it, but I've dealt with it. And by the looks of things, I sound like I'm better off."

She nods, tries not to tear up at his words, at how he's healing but she's buried under bigger emotions.

"When are you guys leaving?"

"Tomorrow, around noon, after lunch. Are we going to see you there?"

She hesitates a little, runs the tip of her shoes on the dirt of the parking lot. "I don't think so."

He nods and crosses his arms.

"But maybe the next time you guys are in town."

"I'll let them know."

She pulls her door open and sits in her car. She can feel Beck watching her closely from outside. When she starts the ignition, she opens the window down.

"Thanks for coming by tonight, Beck."

"Yeah."

She bites her lip. "Do you think we can be friends again someday?"

He offers her a genuine smile. "Well, we'd broken up a dozen times before and got through it. So maybe."

The smile on her lips matches the one in her eyes. When she drives away, she can see him standing in the parking lot watching after her. Her life is still a mess and it'll be a while before the two of them can ever recover from this part of their relationship. But she thinks that there's hope. And that means more to her than anything.

.

When she gets to her apartment, she gets a good look at Tori's door. Her bout of courage is temporary, and she knows it, but she thinks that it's worth a shot.

If Tori's not there, then she'll go home and just deal with things later.

She gives the door three solid knocks before stepping back, her hands on her waist with her eyes cast down to the ground.

She admonishes herself for not thinking about the possibility that Tori  _is_ there.

Tori's standing in front of her, surprise apparent at finding Jade at her doorstep. Tori's wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt, her hair in a messy bun wearing her glasses. Jade thinks it's idiotic that she's thinking about how beautiful Tori looks because she knows it's not the time.

Tori's smile that initially greeted her has transformed into a jaw-clenched straight line and Jade forgets why she's standing there in the first place.

"Stay," Jade says. It's not the first word that she thinks to say, but it's the first word that comes out of her mouth. Tori glares at her, crossing her arms.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't move. Stay." She's horrified with each word that comes out of her mouth because this isn't how she wants this conversation to go. But she can't seem to stop.

"You don't get to tell me what to do."

"I'm sorry, but don't go. Stay here. Don't move."

Tori shakes her head before walking back to her apartment and closing the door. But Jade's by the door blocking it.

"I'm the last person you want to talk to and I get it, but don't go. Stay here."

"Get away from the door, Jade."

"Tori listen to me. I've made the biggest mistake of my life by pushing you away and I know that-"

"Get away from the door," Tori says with more force, interrupting Jade.

"I know that you won't forgive me for a long time, but you leaving isn't going to fix this." She places her body by the door and puts her hand on the doorsill to give her some leverage.

"Jade, get away from the door so help me," she warns.

"Take the risk, Tori. Take it and stay here."

"Take the risk?! Take the damn risk?! You were the biggest risk I took, Jade! But that blew in my face. It blew in my face back in high school and it blew in my face on New Year's when you decided to fuck that random girl instead of talk to me!"

"I didn't sleep with her. She ended up leaving my apartment an hour after she got here because all I did was talk about you and cry about how big of a coward I was!"

Tori looks away, but her force on the door has slackened somewhat. Jade hopes that this is progress.

"Why are you doing this now?"

"I know I haven't been the greatest person around here but I know that I love you. I've loved you since we were seventeen. I've been an idiot this whole time."

"How do I know you won't mess this up?"

Tori's willingness to continue this conversation energizes her.

"You don't. But that's the point of taking chances and taking risks, because the payoff is that I will be here for you. Finally. Like I should have been years ago."

Tori shakes her head and straightens herself by her door, her hand back on the knob. "I don't think I can do this back and forth anymore."

"Then stay. There's no more back and forth. There's just this and there's just us. That's all I want."

"I don't care about what you want anymore. You hurt me and I'm not going to stick around for that."

"Tori, please."

"Get your hand off the door or I'm calling the police."

"Tori, wait."

"No. Get your hand off the door."

"Can you just-"

"No! You didn't want Beck to love you. You didn't want me to love you. Well congratulations Jade, no one loves you."

Jade stares at her, tears threatening to drop.

"Please just listen-" she attempts again, but Tori cuts her off.

"No, I'm done. I'm leaving this apartment and moving, where to doesn't concern you. So just please, let me go."

"I can't do that."

"Jade, let me go."

"No."

"Jade."

The way Tori looks at her, angry and pleading all at the same time moves Jade to let go and step away, raising her hands in defeat. Tori stares at her one last time before slams the door shut.

/

Tori doesn't move from her spot. She can hear the faint rustling from Jade in the hallway. She wants to open the door and find Jade in the hallway who's still waiting for her, but she talks herself out of it. She has to stay strong, she has to.

In the silence of her apartment, she hears her phone buzzing from the living room. Sometime after the phone stops buzzing, she hears a beep; it's a voicemail. Her phone goes off again. This time she presses her ear to the wooden slab behind her. She faintly hears a voice that she realizes is her own, a recording of her voicemail.

_Hi, you've reached Tori Vega. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. But if you leave your name, number and a brief message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!_

Jade's voice is raspier than she recalls. When she presses further into the door, she can hear Jade's raspy voice echo in the hallway.

"Tori, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you."

She hears another beep and before long, she hears the buzzing again.

"Tori, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you."

By the fourth time that Jade calls her, Tori doesn't stand around the door, can't bear to listen to anymore. She buries herself under her blankets and her pillows wishing that this is all over. Everything is a mess and she doesn't know how to fix any of it.

_Tori, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you._


	7. Part Seven

_What if the closest I get to the moment is now?_

**;;**

_**Early February** _

Her music is blaring from the speakers, the loudest it can possibly be. She's been playing it at a high volume for several hours now, but no one has come around to complain, no one banging at her door to turn the music down because there are people trying to go about their days without such a disruption. She wishes they would, though. Just so she can yank the door open and see Tori again.

Ever since she came home with her bruised pride and her tail between her legs the other night, all she wished was for Tori to have moved out then and there. While Jade struggled to catch a wink of sleep that night, Tori would have disappeared leaving Jade completely alone. That way, Jade would just know that she's already gone and not still leaving. Instead, she struggles through the next two days wondering if there's nothing across the hall from her anymore. She struggles through it now knowing that Tori's moving out today.

She doesn't take her eyes away from the u-haul parked down below with Tori's things. She thinks it's a kind of penance, a deserved punishment for the stupid and cowardly decisions she's made.

/

"My shoulders weren't built for this, you know."

Tori glares at her. "It's the first box you carried."

"Yeah, but I'm tired now."

"Look, at least these are just boxes and not furniture."

"Yeah, thank god for that. Besides, you tricked me; you advertised this move as 'easy, quick, and painless'. I signed up because it sounded like what my Friday nights used to be like."

"Ugh, that's gross."

"No, what's gross is you said you had 'like six boxes' not 'like sixty'," she says mimicking her voice and throwing up air quotations.

Tori glares at her sister again before pointing at the door. Trina rolls her eyes and lugs the box but not before muttering under her breath. "You better be glad Gorge's coming or you're gonna be doing this on your own."

"I heard that," she says when her sister reaches the threshold.

"Yeah, good because I meant it."

As she inspects her surroundings for anything she may have forgotten, she's reminded of the faint thumping of music from across the hall. It's not a secret anymore that she's leaving, but a tiny part of her hopes that Jade knows she's leaving today just to rub it in her face.

Her leaving is a reminder of having hurt the both of them.

"What's up?" Trina reaches the floor landing, slightly out of breath. She looks away from the red door across the hall and hands the box in her hands to her sister.

"Nothing. Nothing."

.

When the last of her things have been cleared that afternoon, she meets the building superintendent for one last procedural inspection. After he finishes the inspection, she hands her apartment keys to him.

"Sorry to be losing your business, Miss Vega."

"Um," she starts, switching her sight between him and the door. "Shouldn't you let her know her music is too loud?"

"We could," he says with a shrug. "But we're not really too strict about things here. Nobody's complained about it yet. Unless you're filing an official complaint right now?"

"N-no," she stutters. "I'm not."

He shrugs before making his way to the stairwell. She takes one last look at her door and the one across from it before jogging to catch up to him.

/

She keeps her eyes on the truck until she can no longer see it on the road.

There's no better way to see someone leave you than packing their things and driving away.

/

The next morning, Tori fights to get up, feeling too tired to unpack her things. But after going through two boxes just for her coffee maker and four more boxes to find a mug, she decides that the kitchen is a good a place as any to start.

When she opens one of the cupboards, she's surprised to find something already in there. With a laugh, she takes her phone and snaps a picture of her housewarming present to send to Heather.

_Sneaky how you got that juicer in here :)_

It's not until after she's gotten most of her silverware in the drawer that her phone buzzes.

_Better than a dead rat, right? Good luck unpacking!_

Her present and vote of confidence picks her mood up considerably that she doesn't mind unpacking the rest of her belongings.

/

Her first instinct is to blame everyone else. But she's tired. So she retreats from the world and buries herself in her work. If she stays away from people then no one can possibly get hurt.

.

It takes her by complete surprise when one of her students tugs at her shirt.

"Yes, Josie," she says flipping her binder closed after their session has ended.

"Miss Jade, are you okay?"

Her face scrunches, looks around to see if anybody else is seeing this exchange. "I'm sorry, what?"

"It's just," the younger girl starts. "It's just that you kinda look like my mom when Daddy left."

"What?" she asks, sitting back down on her seat and getting to Josie's eye level.

"Did you and your boyfriend fight?"

She quirks a brow. She thinks she must really enjoy her job to some capacity because she's even entertaining this conversation. "No, I don't have a boyfriend."

"A girlfriend? My Aunt Heather has girlfriends."

She smiles at her student and places a gentle hand on her shoulder. "No, not one of those either."

Josie, after a moment of deliberation, shrugs and starts packing up her things. "Okay. Please don't tell my mom I said that thing about her."

"I won't."

"Okay. I have to go now. See you next week, Miss Jade! Feel better!"

"Uh, thanks."

She buries her head in her hands when she knows Josie is gone and wonders when she can stop hurting.

.

_**Late February** _

_Heya, Jade! I know you've been busy and stuff, but we have another live show at Bartenders next weekend. Beck and Robbie aren't gonna be there because they're checking out a potential new client from Vegas. So it'll be just us. Hope you can make it! I'll call you again later! Okay, bye!_

.

Jade plops the bags of groceries on the floor before fetching her keys from her purse. She pauses when she hears a commotion from the stairwell but resumes reaching for her keys when the commotion results in a blonde woman coming into view.

"Good evening, neighbor!" the woman greets her excitedly. Jade turns and offers a tight smile and a nod. When they both open their doors, she hears the woman's voice yell out to her. "Have a good one!"

She already doesn't like this new woman.

Just as the woman walks in her own door, Jade hears a voice call out for a 'Theresa'. When Heather reaches the hallway, Jade just stares.

"Jade!" Heather gasps in surprise.

"You gonna be dating my all of my neighbors or what?" she says even though she knows they're not really on friendly terms. To her surprise, Heather laughs.

"Stop having gay neighbors and maybe I will," she quips. "Take care of yourself."

Just as Jade shuts her door, she wonders if she heard right. She doesn't dare go back.

.

A sense of déjà vu overtakes her when she gets to the entrance of the bar. She watches her friends talk animatedly to one another for a while before walking over. She thinks that she can handle herself better than last time, but she's not sure. She's careful with each step and tries not to look around, afraid that if she lets her eyes survey the room, she'll find her.

When she arrives at the table with her friends, she exhales the breath she's been holding.

.

"She's not coming," Cat tells her after they hug. She nods, appreciates the kind gesture.

Andre finishes his set and walks back to their table, clapping her on the shoulder.

"You missed out on a great weekend last month," he says by way of greeting.

"I'm sure I'll manage." The smirk on her face causes the smile on his to widen.

"So how you holdin' up with everything?"

"What? I'm holding up fine." Jade turns to Cat for clarification; her best friend offers an apologetic smile.

"He knows."

"Cat-"

"Hey, hey," Andre starts. "It's not Lil' Red's fault. I saw Tori last month-"

She tenses and puts herself on the defensive. "And what? You two are best friends again?"

He pulls his hand back and raises them in surrender. "Whoa, no need to get hostile, alright?"

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair, looking down on her coaster. "Sorry. I've just been tired. It's for the best that she left and moved out to God knows where. She could be in Wyoming or something."

She looks up when she hears Andre mutter under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothin'," he offers lamely. She glares at him and he tries not squirm under her gaze. "What I meant, was that I, uh, she's not in Wyoming."

She turns her attention on Cat who's glaring at Andre. She alternates looking at the two of her friends until it dawns.

"She's still in the city, isn't she?"

"W-we're not supposed to tell you," Cat says sheepishly.

"But yes."

"Andre!"

"What? I didn't tell her where. I just answered her question."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter." She balls a portion of her napkin and flings it across the table falling off the edge. "She doesn't want to see me. I'm not gonna go after her."

.

_**Mid-March** _

It's another night when sleep won't come. She knows she has to work early the next day, but the struggle to keep her eyes open forces her to get out of bed instead.

After she pours herself a glass of water, she plops down on her couch and surveys her surroundings. Eventually, her eyes land on the stack of papers she'd been carrying around with her for most of last year. She flips through it quickly, doesn't bother to read through the words. She stops on a page with a crease in the middle. It'd been the one that Tori gave back to her.

She retrieves her bag from the side of the couch and pulls out a notebook and a pen. She may as well be productive if she can't will herself to rest.

.

Jade plunges further into her work. It's all she has anymore. The time and the distance seem to be helping her. But if she's being honest with herself, it's doing nothing more than numbing the pain.

.

On the one day she decides to take a break from her monotonous routine between her apartment and her job, she gets ambushed with a party invite. At Joan's insistence, she's been invited for a St. Patrick's Day party.

"I don't own anything green," she says, pretending to ignore her waitress and friend as she flips another page from her stack.

"It doesn't matter! Your eyes are green. You automatically win."

"Joan, I don't think this is a very good idea."

"Oh come on. It'll be totally fun! Just do it. Besides you totally bailed on New Year's."

"Look, there were things that I needed to deal with then."

"It's going to be super fun, Jade. Jade, it's going to be totally fun."

She shakes her head. "You already said that."

"So is that a yes? I think I heard a yes. Okay great, I have to go back to work but I'll see you there and if I don't, someone might spit in your burger."

"Joan-"

"Have a great night come again!" Before Jade can reply, Joan's already walked away from her leaving her with her receipt and no other choice but to go.

.

At the party, she sits on the couch and nurses her bottle of beer. She tries not to jump in surprise when a body lands on the empty spot beside her.

"Don't tell me you're still pining over that girl." She's horrified to find the same woman she tried and failed to pick up at New Year's sitting right beside her.

"What are you doing here?"

"It's a party. Why else would I be here?"

Jade readjusts herself so she's facing the other woman. "Look, about New Year's, I didn't mean to lead you on like that. I was in a dark place and-"

"Hey, we've all been there. Besides, you made for a really great story for the woman I  _did_ sleep with on New Year's. Are you still in that dark place?"

She shakes her head, not sure how to answer. "Life is hard."

"Damn right it is," she says offering to clink her bottle with hers.

"Let's start over," Jade offers.

"Eve."

"Jade."

"What do you do?"

"Voice teacher for children. You?"

"Actress. Theater."

They spend the next twenty minutes having a friendly conversation about their occupations. It's a nice break that Jade openly welcomes. Eventually, Eve leaves to get another round for the two of them. But before Jade can readjust herself on the couch, someone's already occupied the spot where Eve was just moments before.

"This seat taken? No? Okay, good."

Jade stares at Heather, unsure if Heather knows who she's sitting with.

"Is there a problem?" she asks.

"Nope, nothing out of the ordinary. Just run-of-the-mill girl problems."

"Okay. Is Tori with you?" she asks, quickly scanning the room. She doesn't want to care, but the possibility of a confrontation is not appealing.

"St. Patrick's Day party at the club." Jade nods, relieved that she doesn't have to confront Tori tonight. "God! Can you believe women?! They're all assholes. I don't know why I like them so much! How are men?" she asks finally turning to Jade.

"They're fine," Jade says. "But they're assholes, too." Observing the bottle that's being waved around in front of her, she grasps it in her hands and pulls it away. Heather doesn't seem to notice, let's go of the bottle with ease. "Heather, how many drinks have you had?"

The younger woman shrugs before dropping her head back on the back of the couch.

"I don't know, twelveteen? I'm a bartender. I'm licensed to drink this much."

Jade shakes her head. "That's not what that means. Come on, let's go put something in your system to sober you up. Stay there."

Heather doesn't seem to object, just stares into space and mutters about how stupid women are. Jade, meanwhile, locates Eve and explains her situation. After a quick number exchange, Jade and Heather are out of the door and walking towards Jade's car.

.

They find themselves at an IHOP a couple of minutes from Joan's apartment.

"How'd you know IHOP's my favorite?"

"Experience," she replies before beckoning for the waitress. Once they've given their orders, Jade silently watches the woman in front of her. Heather sits just as quietly, but her eyes are darting all over the place, drunkenly taking in her surroundings.

It's not until they're both halfway through their meals, both Belgian waffles, that Heather speaks to her.

"This doesn't make us friends."

She shrugs, she expects that. "I know."

"I still hate you for Tori."

"I know."

"But you look like shit, so I mean, you can't be doing all too good yourself."

She lets herself laugh. "I know."

.

By the time they've finished their meals, Heather has mostly sobered up. They don't talk much during that time, which Jade thinks is good enough for now, considering how recent things fell apart between all of them. She pushes the thought away, trying not ruin a decent moment.

Heather finally looks at Jade. "Why don't you just tell her how you feel? Why did you waste so much time and hurt so many people?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you so afraid? Isn't that all this is? You're scared."

Jade refuses to tear up and blinks away any chances of tears escaping. "Before I sabotaged everything, being around her was fun and easy. It was simple, I knew that I was going to be happy when she was around, at whatever capacity. Being around her was being around someone who accepts you for everything that you are. And it's just like, do you even find people like that anymore?" She shakes her head before taking a sip of water.

"Those are all good things, Jade."

"I don't deserve someone like that in my life."

"Why not?"

"Because I ruin everything I touch. Look at where we are, I just…I'm so afraid that I can't live my life without her. The truth is that I need her more than she'll ever need me. I thought how I felt for her would disappear over time. But when I first saw her after all these years, I wanted to go back to how we were in high school. And for someone like me, it was just too much."

She covers her face and pushes at her eyes, to stop the tears from coming, to regain the self-control she lost just then. Voicing aloud her fears for the first time only deepens the pain in her chest knowing that she's ruined a perfectly good thing by being herself.

.

"So that Theresa girl."

"So that Theresa girl what?"

Jade raises an eyebrow, leans back on her seat. "Wanna tell my why you think she's an asshole?"

Heather sighs and scratches the back of her head. "She's not really an asshole. We were just hanging out. She kissed me first but she ran in blind panic out of her own apartment."

"Sounds familiar."

"Now she won't talk to me even though she's the one who made the first move."

"Yep, that sounds about right."

"And now I don't know if I should just keep trying or to let it go."

"Is it straight girl panic or just girl panic?"

Heather grins before shaking her head and downing the rest of her water. Jade mirrors the smile.

.

Just before she leaves Heather's apartment parking lot, the younger woman sticks her head back in the car, leaning on the door.

"You don't deserve her."

She clenches her jaw. "Yeah, thanks. I know."

"But she's the kind of person that people like us need in our lives…to make us better people."

"Look, I don't need the Oprah lecture."

"It's not an Oprah lecture. Just, I don't know, give her some time. Someone like her who still has strong feelings for someone like you obviously means she sees something in you that other people might not." As Heather backs away from the car, Jade calls her back.

"Hey, Heather."

"Yeah."

"If her panic is anything like mine, then maybe you should just give her some time."

She offers Heather a tight-lipped smile before putting the car in gear and driving away. Heather's words sounds too much like hope and she doesn't want to fill herself with that.

/

She's doing her best to rebuild herself. Reuniting with her high school best friends couldn't have come at a better time in her life. Throwing herself at her work and rekindling old friendships are the only things she makes time for. She turns down any offers for a blind date or a set-up.

She needs to focus on herself.

The apartment she chose didn't feel like home when she moved in. But she's making it work, day by day. She has to. She's not doing this anymore. She just hopes that no one from her past lives around her, they only bring the trouble from the past with them and she's had enough.

.

_**Late April** _

"Tor, there's an important piece of information that you need to know about me."

Distractedly, Tori plays along as she types up an e-mail. "Okay, go for it. Tell me."

"I'm getting married! Gorge proposed!"

Shock consumes her and it takes her sister calling for her to respond.

"Wow, marriage. That's, um, exciting."

"You don't sound as incredibly happy as when I phoned Mom and Dad."

"I-I am," she stutters. "I just…but so soon? How long have you two been together anyway?"

"Six months! Which is totally enough time because some random scientists were saying that after four months, you'll know if you're in love with someone!"

She wants to be happy for her sister, but she just doesn't think that it's a good idea. What if her sister gets hurt? She doesn't want that.

"Shouldn't you wait a while? I mean, how much do you know about him?"

"I know enough, Tor. My pupils dilate whenever I look at him and every article on tell-tale signs of being in love talks about that. Besides, that's what the rest of our lives together is for, to learn about each other."

"Okay," she offers finally, realizing that her sister isn't going to change her mind.

"Tor, this is a great and happy time for all of us, but especially me. Now if you don't think this is a great idea, fine, but if you're going to be my maid of honor, you're going to damn well act like you think this is all fabulous."

"No, I'm really happy for you, Trina. I am."

"Now say it once more with feeling."

She laughs despite herself and lets her sister talk to her for an hour detailing his proposal and the upcoming wedding plans.

.

"I can't believe your sister wants to play Justin Bieber's 'Baby' as their first dance song."

"Really?" Tori asks, looks pointedly at her friend from across her desk. "That's what you can't believe?"

"What? I would have thought she'd pick a different song."

"You're missing the point."

"Oh, maybe he should get his Demi Lovato fix at the wedding too?"

"Heather!"

"What? That your sister is getting married so soon?"

"Yes!"

Heather scoffs while flipping through a random magazine and Tori resists the urge to throw her stapler. "What's the rule about marriages?" Tori quirks a brow and waits for her friend to keep talking. "There isn't one! Except for the no cheating thing."

"Whatever, I just think that she should give it more time."

"Look," Heather begins. "Some people take six months to realize they're meant to be together, some people take nine years. Just as long as you're together, then isn't that what matters?"

Tori can't tell by Heather's appearance if she's hinting at something. She forces herself to consider the numbers were chosen arbitrarily. She scrunches her face is disgust. "I don't like it when you get all 'hopeless romantic' on me."

"If you accept it, your life will be much better," Heather offers with a smirk. Tori doesn't throw the stapler but she does chuck the roll of tape across the room just barely missing Heather in the face.

/

_**Early May** _

After Jade teaches her last session of the day, she starts to pack things up. She doesn't notice Josie standing patiently beside her, one hand clutching her backpack strap and the other holding on to a piece of paper.

"Yes, Josie?" she asks, leaning down so she can be at eye level.

"Aunt Heather wanted me to give you this." Jade looks up behind the little girl and sees Heather offer a small wave. She tentatively accepts the extended piece of paper. When she straightens herself up, her young student is already walking towards her aunt. She waits until the two of them are gone before she opens the note up.

_Use this wisely. Because I'll know if you don't. You can't redeem yourself if you're not given the chance to try. So consider this my peace offering. But if she asks, you found this on the Internet._

Below the small message is an address.

Jade doesn't bother suppressing a smile.

.

She drops the note on her desk at home. She stares at it, reads the address until she thinks she's memorized it completely. Her first instinct is to rush over there and repeat their last conversation. But with how the way things went, she doesn't think she can handle that kind of confrontation anymore. She accepts that she is the sole reason why things are the way that they are.

She slumps in her seat leaning on the arms, her chin on her hand her eyes fixed on the note. She doesn't know how long she's been staring at it, but it takes her a second to realize that her phone is ringing.

"Yeah," she greets, sitting back up and rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"Jade, it's Eve."

"Hey, Eve. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner tomorrow night."

"Uh yeah, sure."

"Oh and don't forget to bring your play."

"My play?"

"Yeah. I mentioned it to Justus and he says he's intrigued."

Jade sits up from her seat, her eyes roaming the desk for what she's looking for. By the time she hangs up, she finds the stack in her bag underneath the folders of music sheets. She drops it on her desk beside the note before plopping back down on her chair.

A small smile appears on her face.

/

_**Early June** _

Tori takes a break from the party and retreats in the kitchen idly dipping chips in the jar of salsa.

"You all right, Tor?" Trina's quickly by her side and dipping her own chip in the jar before Tori can even process that she's in the room.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't realize that there was a lot that needs to be done in a wedding. Just a little overwhelmed."

"You don't have to if you really don't want to. The wedding's not until next year."

Tori shakes her head, places a soft hand on Trina's arm. "No way. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Plus, I don't have any other sisters to be a maid of honor for, so."

"Yeah, that you know of."

"What?"

"Mom and Dad were total freaks back in the day."

"Ew, Trina, gross." Her sister pats her on the shoulder before taking another bite out of her chip.

"Is that really all there is to this? Does my moving to North Carolina with Gorge make a difference at all?"

Tori shakes her head, but she knows she's not fooling her sister. She didn't plan for a time in her life when her older sister isn't going to be around.

"You know I'm still going to be there for you. That's not going to change, I'm always around. Sometimes even when you don't want me to be." Tori's laughing, but she's fighting the tears in her eyes. She's had a hellacious year and the one person that's stood by her through it all is her sister. She doesn't know if she can go without being able to turn to her sister the next time she gets in another complicated relationship with some other human being.

Trina pulls her into a hug, even with chips still in her hand, and rubs her back. When she pulls apart from Trina, she dabs a napkin at her eyes, tries not smudge her makeup.

"It's not going to be the same, though. I'd have to get on a plane to come visit you instead of just get in my car."

"Then make sure you visit the East Coast. Get your job to get you over there."

"Yeah, because North Carolina is a complete club hot spot."

"Hey, they don't call Durham the Dirty D for nothin'," Trina offers. Tori lets her sister brush her hair behind her ear. It makes her feel a lot younger than she is now, reminding her that her absolute best friend in the world is going to leave her soon.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I know, sis. But you've got a good life here."

"Yeah, okay."

"What? You have a great place to live, a great job, fantastic friends. And I know it's only been months since…you know…but you're doing really well. I would know because I was a hot mess when I was your age."

She sighs before putting the chip down on a napkin. "I still miss her."

"Well, it's only been four months, right?"

She shakes her head, laughs at the foolishness of it all. "It's been nine years."

Trina takes another bite out of her chip before speaking. "Maybe if she ever figures out how to ask for forgiveness, you'll consider it."

/

_**Mid-June** _

Jade watches as local actors and actresses stand in a circle holding on to a script that she's been working on and off for the last decade. It's both familiar and surreal because this isn't high school anymore, but it's been a long time since she's done anything that's made her this happy.

"I can't believe this is happening," she whispers beside her.

"Well, believe it. And I think it's going to be amazing." Eve lightly nudges her by her elbow. "It's a great script, Jade. Really."

"Thanks."

After Justus speaks, the attention is now on her and she channels in the old Jade, the one in her element by a stage.

"Hey, everyone, thanks for being here. Let's get started."

.

Cat's in town to visit so Jade uses the opportunity to share her good news.

"That's incredible, Jade! Congratulations!" Cat lunges forward for a hug.

"Thanks. It's nice to do what you love doing again. The venue is small but the people are great, so I can't really ask for more."

"Hey, you never know. I'm really happy for you, Jade. You deserve it."

/

"Guess who just got offered the manager of PR spot," she says casually as she takes a seat on the barstool.

"Laura," Heather replies without missing a beat, not even bothering to look up from her place behind the bar. Tori scoffs and throws a balled napkin towards her friend.

"No, you jerk. Me!" Tori accepts the high five even though moments earlier Heather was just laughing at her.

"Of course it's you. Why else would I make celebratory drinks?" Heather hands her the glass and they clink them in celebration.

"Now all I have to do is just work here for a couple more years and the bar is mine!"

Heather offers her another high five.

"Hey, you never know. I'm really happy for you, Tori. You deserve it."

.

"Work sounds like it's going well?"

"Yeah, Trina. I just recently got promoted."

"Congratulations, Tor. With this promotion it means that you can afford airline tickets to come visit me, right?"

"Yeah, right. With this promotion I have more to do and less time to do anything else. How is it over there?"

"It's not that bad. I have to get a translator for everyone, though."

"What? Why?"

"Gorge's English isn't always the best and Southern accents are sometimes really hard to understand. So no one understands each other."

Tori stays on the phone with her sister for another hour just catching each other up.

For the first time in a while, life is starting to feel normal.

/

_**Mid-July** _

_Hey, Pipsqueak. I don't know if Andre told you yet, but the play opens on the 15_ _th_ _of next month. So mark your calendar. I'll see you soon and talk to you more about it when you're available. All right, gotta go._

/

_Hey, Tor. Gorge and I got the house! Ack! I'm so excited. The house warming party is not until Saturday on the 16_ _th_ _but I expect you to get to the house by the 15_ _th_ _. I'll call you with the details when you actually pick up. Okay, take care of yourself, have safe sex, and we'll talk to you soon. Love you, bye!_

_._

Tori's just finished straining the pasta when she hears a knock at the door. She's quick to turn the stove off before rushing to the door and pulling it open.

"Tori Vega?"

"Yes…" Tori's staring at a chestnut haired woman with green eyes holding onto an envelope. A shiver runs down her spine, feeling the familiarity of it all, but she tries not to let it show; she keeps her attention focused on the stranger before her.

"My name's Hannah. I'm your next door neighbor," she says pointing at the door down the hallway. "Anyway, the mailman got this mixed up." Tori accepts the envelope with her name on it without a return address.

"Thanks," she says, trying to figure out what the content of the envelope could be. "Um," she starts trying to lessen the increasing amount of awkwardness between them. "Did you want to come in? I know that's a little forward, but I just drained the pasta and-"

Hannah shakes her head with a laugh. "That's kind of you to offer, but I doubt my husband will appreciate if I just randomly disappeared before dinner."

Tori attempts to mask her embarrassment with her own laughter. "Right, sorry. I just thought I'd offer."

"Not a problem. Have a good day."

Before Tori can extend another apology, her neighbor is already halfway to her own apartment. She lets out a frustrated sigh before closing the door. When she reaches the kitchen, she pulls out one of the knives and cuts the envelope open.

She's surprised to find a playbill. Her eyes quickly scan the front and she almost drops the pamphlet on the ground when she reads a certain name on the front cover.

She flips through the book and finds a smaller envelope tucked in-between the pages. When she opens it, she discovers a pair of two tickets for opening night. She searches through the envelope and the bill to see if there was a note anywhere, but there wasn't. When she tears the envelope open, she finds nothing else.

.

"It's a play," Heather states as she flips through the pages of the small book.

"Yeah, Heather, I know it's a play."

"Are you gonna go?"

Tori sighs. "I don't know. It's the same weekend as Trina's housewarming party. "

Heather plops down beside her and offers the pamphlet back. "Is this the same play that she carried around with her all the time?"

"Yeah. She'd been working on it since we were in high school. Heather, what should I do?"

"Well, think of it this way. Your sister will have that house for a while. But this play lasts all of a week."

Tori rests her head on her hand. "So do you think I should go?"

"All I'm saying is one will be there when you get back and the other won't."

Tori tosses the bill on her coffee table. "What I don't understand is how she got my address." When she looks at her friend beside her, Heather only shrugs.

"Beats me," she says as she turns the television on, seemingly unaware of Tori's suspicious gaze on her.

Tori keeps her focus on her friend before giving up and turning to watch the television.

.

She thinks it's silly and irrational. But she can't shake the nagging feeling that the tickets are following her. When she thinks she's placed them back in an envelope and placed with the rest of the coupons in the mail, they find their way back to her kitchen counter where she sees them in plain sight. When she thinks she's kept it in her bag and zipped that compartment shut, she's surprised to find them stuck between pages of a book beside her wallet.

She's not sure if this is a sign from the Universe, but she wants the Universe to stop interfering with her life.

.

_**Late July** _

When she finds the tickets and the playbill tucked in the stack of mail on the kitchen counter, she thinks she's had enough.

After three solid knocks, she steps back.

"Hello?" A blond man opens the door, a curious expression on his face.

"Hi, um, my name is Tori Vega and I live next door," she offers pointing at the other end of the hallway.

"Okay?"

"Um, I met your wife a couple of weeks ago when my mail happened to get mixed up with yours."

"Okay."

"Honey, who's at the do-oh, Tori!" Hannah appears behind her husband with a small smile on her face. "Taylor, this is Tori. Tori, this is my husband, Taylor."

"Hey, nice to meet you. I was just telling your husband about the mail mix up."

"Well, what can we do for you?"

"I have two tickets for opening night at the local theater, but I can't make it because my sister's having a housewarming party across the country and I've already booked a plane ticket." She extends the playbill and the envelope of tickets to her neighbors.

"Thanks. How did you find out about the play?"

"Um, I know someone in the crew."

"Well thank you, Tori. That's really kind of you."

"You're welcome. I hope you enjoy the play," she says. As she's walking away, she turns around. "I, um, I hear the person who wrote the play is incredible."

/

**Mid-August**

She's excited to find her friends – including Beck – gathered around her living room. She hasn't felt the buzz of excitement since the announcement of her friends' record label.

"I can't believe that tomorrow is opening night," Cat exclaims from her seat on the couch.

"Yeah. Thanks. And I appreciate everyone being here." She smiles up at Beck who subtly raises his glass.

"To Jade and her play!" Andre offers, raising his beer bottle.

"To Jade and her play!"

.

With everyone mingling with one another, Jade takes a moment of reprieve for herself, stepping out of her apartment and into the hallway, staring out of the window. She pulls the window up and appreciates the cool breeze coming in. As she lets her hands play with the moisture from her bottle, she thinks about the one person she wishes she could share this moment with.

"Getting your fresh air, are you?" Her head snaps to turn to the voice and sighs in relief when she sees Beck by her door.

"Yeah, something like that."

She doesn't move from her spot when Beck walks over and takes the free space beside her by the window. "You nervous?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you look pretty calm for nervous."

She offers him an amused smile and appreciates the foreign yet comfortable silence between them.

"You think she'll come tomorrow?" She looks at him curiously before taking a drink from her bottle.

"I don't think it's appropriate to talk to your ex-fiancé about an ex-girlfriend."

"Hey now. We were best friends once upon a time."

She runs her hand through her hair, realizes he's right. "I don't know. I sent her tickets last month."

"Well I think she'll show up."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, sure." She can't help but roll her eyes. For a moment, she pretends that they're back on good terms with each other again. It feels nice, it feels like some kind of restoration of order.

"Let's go back inside." Beck takes a step back and waves his arm in front of them, offering her to lead the way. With a small, grateful smile, she walks forward, opens her door to her apartment and immerses herself back to her party.

.

She doesn't sleep a wink that night. She knows she should, but the excitement of the play gets to her. She wonders if this is a sign from the Universe or something. How, if she just stops sabotaging her life, then things will find a way to come together.

She still feels the sting of their last conversation. She wonders if she'll ever get the chance to do it over.

/

"I'll see you on Monday when you get back?"

"Yep."

Heather shakes her head, but offers Tori her bag anyway from the passenger seat. "Okay, well travel safely."

"What is it?" she asks when Heather doesn't say anything else.

"What?"

Tori pointedly looks at her. "Just say what you need to say, Heather."

Her friend just shrugs, her hands in her back pockets. "I don't have anything to say…except for the play starts at 4."

"And my flight's at 3:45. What's your point?"

"That's it, you asked me and I told you."

"I thought you were on my side."

"Yeah, Tori. This  _is_  me being on your side."

"Just drop it." Tori rolls her eyes; she doesn't appreciate this childish behavior. "Stop making that face."

"I'm not."

"I don't need all this silent judgment from you."

"Who's to say it's all silent."

Tori glares at Heather who can't help but keep the smirk on her face. "I'll call you when I get there."

"All right."

She shakes her head, offers Heather a short hug before walking into the airport. She refuses to think about what other things are happening today.

.

She struggles to sit still, flipping through her book and generally feeling uncomfortable in her spot. She hates how a week's worth of convincing herself that visiting her sister is the right decision comes completely undone with a single conversation.

She hasn't made a mistake. This is the right decision.

She doesn't believe herself at all.

.

"For the passengers of flight 1435, there has been a delay. Flight 1435 will depart at 6:45 PM due to weather issues in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. We're sorry for the inconvenience and appreciate your cooperation and patience."

She sits back in her chair and readjusts herself, watching the rest of the passengers around her groan about the delay. She buries her head in her hands and groans in frustration. An elderly lady with silver hair and thick glasses beside her taps her on the shoulder. "It'll be okay, dear. Sometimes these things happen. You just have to make do with what you got."

Slowly, she nods before she rises from her spot and packs her stuff. "You're right. Thanks."

.

"I need to reschedule this flight for next week. I don't care how you do it, just do it."

.

_Trina, listen. Something's come up and I can't make it this weekend. I changed my ticket for next week. I'll explain it later. I'm really sorry for springing this up on you. I know that you wanted me to be there, but there's something I need to take care of tonight. I gotta go, I'll talk to you soon. Love you. Bye._

/

The whole front row is full but she doesn't see her anywhere. She realizes that Tori must have given the tickets away. She takes some solace that Tori didn't throw the tickets out. But it doesn't make a difference knowing that Tori's not coming.

She pretends that it doesn't hurt; she pretends that she expected it.

.

She hears the applause and she prays she doesn't trip while she's walking. After the theater falls silent again, she offers them a grateful smile. One of her dreams is coming true and they're all there to witness it.

"My name is Jade West and I wrote this play. I just want to thank Justus Mann and Eve Archibald for giving me the opportunity to tell this story. And I want to thank all of you for coming to watch it. My friends, colleagues, and students who have made the last few months bearable and possible. I just want to dedicate this piece to the first person to ever support it. The script has been in my possession since I was seventeen. She was the one who thought this deserved the chance to be watched. And now, nine years later, it's a reality. Thank you."

.

She's a nervous wreck the whole time during the play, pushing the curtains from the side to spy on her audience. They're reacting as she imagined them and she can't thank enough of her lucky stars for this miracle.

Justus, a thin and balding man with black-rimmed glasses bearing a strong resemblance to Stanley Tucci, places a hand on her shoulder.

"I think they're enjoying themselves."

Jade doesn't bother hiding her smile, her heart swelling in pride.

"Yeah, I think so too."

"Who knew a story about a couple of scared individuals would compel this many people?"

She turns to look at him behind her before placing her attention back to the play. "Yeah. Who knew."

/

She's one of the first people to stand up when the curtains are drawn and the cast files out. She stays rooted in her spot even when the rest of the audience around her is moving towards the exit. Her eyes sweep across the front of the stage where small groups of people have gathered. She shouldn't have been as surprised to find Jade as quickly as she did, singling her out from the group closest to the stage.

With intently watching Jade from a distance, she doesn't notice someone sidle up to her. "Oh my god! You scared me half to death!" she exclaims, clutching at her chest.

Andre's laughter rings in her ears and she has half a mind to swat him with her purse. "I'm sorry, but that was priceless."

She shakes her head, but her eyes gravitate back to Jade in the front of the theater.

"That was some play," he says, looking in the same direction she is, his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah."

"You should go talk to her."

"No! I mean, it's probably a good idea that I stay back here."

"Okay. There's gonna be an after-party for the cast and crew and friends later. You're more than welcome to go."

She pulls her attention back to her friend. "No, that's all right. Thanks, though."

"I gotta go, Tori. I'll see you later?" he asks just as he checks his phone for a text.

"Definitely." She offers him a smile and he returns it with a warm hug. She watches him walk out to the exit, a sad smile on her face.

When she turns around, she almost screams in surprise, her hand once again on her chest.

"Jade!"

"Tori."

/

She clears her throat, tries to memorize the image of the woman before her, just in case this is all a giant cosmic joke on her.

"I thought I saw Andre walk out," she says just as she takes a final step not three feet away from Tori.

"Yeah, he did."

She can feel the awkwardness seep in the space between them. She stuffs her hands in her pockets and resists rocking back. It's been about six months since they last spoke to each other and Jade thinks that Tori has never looked more beautiful.

Tori clears her throat. "That was a great show. Really."

"Thanks."

"You changed the ending."

Jade shrugs, tries to play it cool, but she's certain that she can't hide the giddiness in her eyes. "Yeah, well. Happy endings are apparently a thing that people are into."

Tori chuckles. "Who knew, right?"

She nods and moments pass before she finds her voice. "How, uh, how have you been?"

"Good. Busy, but good."

She wonders if all this nodding will result in some neck muscle being pulled. She hates that they're so awkward with each other, but appreciates that it's not just her struggling through it. "Thanks for coming. I didn't think you'd show."

"I wasn't going to, originally. Trina and her fiancé moved to North Carolina and I was supposed to visit them this weekend."

"So what are you doing here?"

"I realized I couldn't miss this."

She looks away and back to the lit stage and she wonders when the other shoe will drop. It's only a matter of time before her good fortune wilts. When she shifts her attention back to Tori, she sees Tori with a wide smile.

"I'm really proud of you." She can't erase the grateful smile on her face. She doesn't really want to. "It's good to see you, Jade."

Tori nods before walking away from her seat and onto the aisle. Jade remains in her spot. "Yeah, it's good to see you, too."

"I should probably go." There's no word of goodbye, just Tori turning around and walking away. She's not sure she can bear that image in head anymore. Tori's only covered a couple of yards when Jade decides to catch up to her.

"Wait!" she says just as she reaches for Tori's wrist. "Are you hungry?"

She can feel Tori's hesitation, but she doesn't pull away her grasp. She resists tightening her grip on Tori's wrist; she just doesn't want her to go. She tries not to think anything of it when she catches Tori biting her lip. "I could eat."

She grins but she harnesses it back, tries to pull a neutral face. Jade jerks her head to the side. "Come on. I know a place."

.

Joan smiles at the two of them, offering them hugs. "Well, well. Guess who eventually comes out of the woodwork? Are we ordering the usuals?"

Tori looks at Jade before looking back up at Joan. "If you still remember them."

"Hey Jade, how was the play? I couldn't take off tonight, but tomorrow night is a definite."

She hasn't gotten a chance to situate herself when she hears Tori speak.

"It was great. Definitely worth watching."

Joan offers her a thumbs up before finishing to write out their orders. "Good for you, Miss Writer."

"Thanks, Joan."

When Joan leaves, it's just the two of them once more. She appreciated Joan's presence; she was a good buffer. But now they're back to just being Jade and just being Tori.

"Great play again."

"Thanks."

"What made you decide to get it finished?"

"You."

"Oh, come on."

"Hey, if you don't believe me, you don't believe me. But it's true."

Tori brushes her hair back, adjusts herself in her seat. "But why?"

Jade wonders how to respond .And she ends up with telling the truth because anything else feels like an insult. "It was the only thing I could fix."

When Tori doesn't respond, only fiddles with her silverware, she takes the opportunity. "You know, I wish we could just start over without all of this baggage and history. So things would be easy, for once," she says before taking a sip of her water.

"Yeah, but isn't complicated more of your style?"

"It's not really a good look."

"Jade."

"Hear me out. And I suggest you listen because I have enough courage to only do this once. I know I've been the biggest coward and idiot. You deserve more than someone like me…"

"Jade-"

She cuts her off because she's running on some limited bout of courage and doesn't want to lose it when she still has the chance. "But the truth is that I need you. I can't walk away from this and pretend that things are going to be okay. I need you and that has been the most paralyzing thought. It's realizing that you make me a better person."

Tori doesn't say anything not even when Joan comes back with their food. It's not until Jade knows that Joan is out of earshot that she continues.

"When you're ready, love me until you don't. Love me until you can't anymore." She realizes she can't quite look Tori in the eyes. "And if that time ever comes, we'll figure it out then. But just think about it even if you don't have a reason to do so."

The surge of confidence that Jade experienced just moments earlier seem to have dissipated, leaving not a trace of it in her system. Tori sits eerily silent across the table, leaning back as if getting as far away as she possibly can.

"Are you done?" They're not the words she expects to come out of Tori's mouth and she attempts to hide the heartbreak from her voice.

"Yeah, I'm done," she says with a slight crack to her voice.

"I never stopped feeling the way that I do about you." It sounds conditional and she wishes she'd prepared for disappointment, too.

"But…"

"But," Tori starts, "right now I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."

"Okay." She bites down, clenches her jaw; she wills herself to think of the play just so she doesn't cry. She's not sure if she can stay for dinner, not when her last chance just got turned down.

"But I am looking for something more casual." Tori's smiling across from her. For the first time, it's easy again and she doesn't want to let any of it go.

"Is that so?" she asks crossing her arms and offering her best smirk.

"Yeah. Casual."

Jade's face brightens, doesn't even bother to hide it when her smirk transforms into a smile.

"I can do casual."

Jade can't help the laughter that bubbles over and before she knows it, Tori's laughing along with her. She can't believe how excited she is to hear that laugh, to see Tori smiling in front of her again.

She's not much for the overdramatic – not anymore – but she can't help but wonder if this feeling is a lot like redemption.

When they've settled down, laughter still in their eyes, she watches as Tori leans forward with her hands clasped together and a grin on her face.

"Are you doing anything for dinner next Tuesday?"

She leans forward and clasps her own hands together.

"Nope. I'm all yours."


	8. Epilogue

**One year and five months later**

**;;**

_**Mid-January** _

She hears the squeal before she sees her sister running towards her direction with arms flailed open and a bright smile on her face.

"Your sister is as lovely as I remember her," Jade quips beside her just as they're making their way towards the terminal exit.

"Be nice," she says, sending Jade a small nudge to the side. Before Jade can respond to her, her sister is excitedly hugging her.

"Oh, Tor. It seems like it's been ages since we've seen each other."

"It's only been what, six months?" she muses when they pull away from each other. From the corner of her eye, she can see Jade offer Gorge a hug.

"That is obviously too long." She offers her sister a kind smile and a pat on her arms before making her way to Gorge.

"Good to see you, Gorge," she says as he welcomes her into his arms and pulls her up, her feet just inches off the ground.

"You too. I hope the fly was well?" he asks after they break apart.

She nods, offers him a smile. "Yep. I slept the whole time."

She's about to ask how things are with him when she follows his line of sight behind her. Wordlessly, she turns around and watches her sister and her girlfriend.

"Jade," Trina says, hands on her hips.

"Trina," Jade replies, her arms crossed.

"I hear you're still teaching children."

"And I hear you're still eating them."

Tori looks on as her girlfriend tilts her head and offers her fakest smile and her sister do the same.

"You would think they hated each other, wouldn't you?" Gorge asks her as he puts his arm around her shoulders. She looks up at him before placing her own arm around his waist and making their way out of the airport. She takes a quick glance behind her where she witnesses them bickering and she can't help laughing to herself.

"Yeah, you'd think."

.

As Tori places a tray full of dirty glasses on the counter, she hears the kitchen door swing open but doesn't bother to check who's come in.

"You don't have to do that, Tor," Trina says, as she reaches the spot beside her with four more wine glasses in her hands.

"It's no big, Trina. Besides, you're pregnant now. You can pretty much order everyone around to do everything."

Trina laughs beside her before playfully punching her sister in the arm. "Just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean that I can be useless. Besides, there's still a party out there. You should be out there."

Tori looks at her sister before taking the glasses out of her hands. "No,  _you_  should be the one out there mingling."

She chuckles when her sister scrunches her face and places her head on her shoulder. "But I don't wanna," she hears her sister whine.

"This party was your idea."

"Yeah, but there's like a tiny alien-looking thing in my belly, not a full grown baby. So I don't know why they all insist to touch my stomach."

She chuckles just as she's wiping the tray. "They're just excited for you."

"Are you?"

Tori looks up from her cleaning and stares at her sister who's sporting an intense look about her. She scrunches her face before abandoning the dishes.

"What? Of course I am. This is such a great thing and no one is more excited about this than I am. It's going to be great and you're going to be a great mom and I'll spoil him or her rotten. It's going to be amazing."

"Just make sure you don't eat your young." The sisters turn their attention to the voice behind them, a smirking Jade carrying two stacks of saucers.

"I can always count on you to ruin a good moment," Trina says, but there's a smile on her face.

"It's a talent, what can I say." Jade places the dishes in the sink and leans on the counter with her hip. "Since we're spoiling children rotten, I saw this great collector's piece of scissors on the internet. It'll be a great present, you know, to start them young. What do you say, Trina?"

Horrified, Trina stares at her sister before placing her attention back at Jade. "You're not allowed to give this child any toy that has sharp edges. Tori, promise me right now."

Tori shakes her head. "No one is going to give your child any scissors or knives or pickaxes or anything like that. So you don't have to worry about it, okay?" Seemingly unconvinced, Trina walks out of her own kitchen eyeing Jade with scrutiny. When she sees the door swing closed, she turns to Jade.

"Why would you tell her you'd give her child sharp things?"

Jade shrugs, an amused smile on her face. "Why not? I was holding scissors when I was young and I turned out fine."

She scoffs playfully before going back to arranging the dishes. "That one's up for debate, but you're not giving our child scissors until she's old enough to drive."

She pauses her cleaning when she realizes what she's said. She jerks her head up and tries to gauge Jade's reaction. She's ready to take her words back but Jade only offers her a small kiss before walking back to the living room. She panics when Jade doesn't say anything. She's ready to speak up, to defend herself, when Jade stops at the door.

"Then I'll just teach our child to drive at the age of five."

.

Tori doesn't get a chance to fall quickly to sleep as Jade so she spends her time just staring at the drawn curtains on the other side of the room. After exhausting her eyes on the curtains, she turns herself around to face her sleeping girlfriend.

She hadn't expected Jade to respond so candidly, least of all about children. But she thinks that they've both grown to be better people than they were before. She can't help but remind herself that this is it, that Jade is it. Jade is who she wants to be with for the rest of her life, who she wants to raise children with, who she wants to grow old with. She's all that Tori ever needs in her life.

Tori lets her finger trace the lines of Jade's peaceful face. When she's done, she moves herself closer until their noses are almost touching.

"You're going to be the best mother to our children," she whispers.

/

She's up at an ungodly hour the next morning. She chalks it up to the change of scenery; she's always had trouble sleeping properly in a place that's not hers. So she finds herself making a pot of coffee in Trina and Gorge's house before the sun has decided to show itself.

It's not until she's in the middle of making hers that she hears scuffling somewhere behind her.

"Two sugars and milk, please."

She turns around to witness the older Vega sister yawning into her hand before situating herself on the breakfast table. Silent, she dutifully follows Trina's directions. When she's finished with both of their cups, she carefully places the on the table. Trina's head is laying on its side on the tabletop.

"I would have thought with all that apple juice you were drinking last night that you'd still be passed out until noon."

Jade watches with an amused smile as Trina snaps her head up, surprise written all over her face.

"I thought you were Tori."

"Would you have taken back the 'please' if you knew it was me?" she asks when she's taken a seat across from Trina.

Trina, for her part, laughs a little before taking a sip of her coffee. "Probably."

They stay in relative silence, the chill of the early morning still lingering.

"Are you sure your delicate shoulders can handle childcare?" she asks without once looking at the woman across from her. She tries not to smile when she hears Trina laugh aloud, almost spitting her coffee out.

"I think I can handle it."

She nods before taking another sip of her coffee. The silence drapes over them again and Jade feels oddly comforted. The two of them were never good with holding conversations, especially since she thinks that Trina still holds a small grudge against her for hurting Tori. She can respect that and what they have now is pretty good. She thinks that with all the history between them, this is as good as it gets.

"You know, Jade, I see a lot of myself in you."

"Oh, gross," she says immediately, but the grin on her face betrays the sincerity of her words.

"You say that, but we're a lot alike."

"You're ruining my coffee," she says, but Trina doesn't seem to mind.

"Whether you believe me or not, there's a lot of similar things about us."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"For starters, we're both pretty stubborn. And we like to keep people away. You just happen to do it with your personality and I did it because you couldn't get hurt if you didn't stay with the same person for too long."

"Tori likes to call that time of your life the 'Lost Years'," she adds.

Trina extends her arm and places a hand on top of hers; her hand trapped between Trina and the mug. "We're also the two people that Tori loves more than anything else in this world."

"What's your point, Trina?"

She wants to move her hand, but she's surprised to find that Trina has enough strength to keep her still. "My point is that she didn't have a choice about me being in her life; but she had one with you."

"I don't underst-" She tries to pull her hand away, but Trina pulls her back.

"If I have to, I will put out a hit on your head. Don't make me put a hit out on your head."

She doesn't look away from Trina's staring, she matches it with one of her own. Jade wants to believe that she's kidding, but there's an intensity about her she's never seen before. When she tugs for her hand back, Trina lets it go before leaning back on her chair and sipping her coffee as if the last minute hadn't happened.

She jerks her head when she hears the kitchen door swing open.

"I didn't think I'd find the two of you already up," Tori says rubbing her eyes and heading towards the coffee pot.

"Gorge was called in about thirty minutes ago."

"I just woke up early."

Tori kisses her on the cheek before occupying the open spot beside her and placing a hand on her leg. Out of habit, she puts her hand on top of it. She tries not to think too much about how Trina is watching their every move, her every move.

.

"Gorge's sad that he couldn't send you two off today," Trina says as they pull their suitcases from the trunk of the car.

"It's all right. We'll see you two really soon anyway."

She takes a step back when she sees the sisters say their goodbyes. She watches on as they hug each other tightly, kisses on each cheek.

"Make sure you call me when you two get home, all right?"

Jade steps forward just as Tori steps back. "God, you sound like an annoying mom already," she says. Tori playfully pushes her and Trina swats her in the arm.

"You know what will be more annoying?" she asks just as she extends her arms out expectantly. Jade starts to back away, raising her arms in defense.

"Oh no, no, no. You are not hugging me."

She's ambushed into a hug when Tori pushes her forward into Trina's arms. Awkwardly, she pats Trina in the back and hears Tori cooing in the background, clearly amused.

When she pulls away, Trina doesn't let go, looks at her as intently as the morning before. Jade's jaw clenches and she bites her lip. When Tori beckons for her, Trina lets her go. She takes a step back and away. As Tori busies herself with a last minute check of their things, Jade takes the opportunity to tap Trina on the arm.

"I won't."

/

When they've gotten themselves situated in their seats, Jade takes Tori's hand and holds it. When she wakes up about an hour or so later, she finds that their hands are still tangled together.

Jade doesn't let go of her the whole plane ride home.

/

_**Mid- March** _

_Heather. You really should have a better voicemail message than 'Yo, this is Heather but I'm not around.' Anyway, that's not why I called. I called because the jewelers finally called me and they tell me they have it. All right, call me back. And please change your voicemail message. Love you, bye!_

.

"Are you gonna tell your sister?" Heather asks as she plays with the box of tissues from Tori's desk in the air.

"No. I think I'll just surprise her when she and Gorge come to visit in April," she replies as she types out an e-mail. She pauses her work and turns to her friend. "You don't think she'll get mad, will you?"

"I don't know. What I do know is that she's hormonal being pregnant."

Tori bites her lip. "No. This isn't about my sister, this is about me."

"Right on, sister." Heather continues her playing while Tori resumes her work. She pauses again not a couple of seconds later. Heather stops her playing and looks at her. "What is it now?"

"What if she says no? Oh my god what if Jade says no?!"

"She's not going to say no."

"How do you know?" At this point Tori rises from her seat and starts pacing in her office. Heather gets up from her own spot and barricades the area that Tori's pacing in.

"Because she's not that stupid. And if she is, I'll beat her up until she does say 'Yes'."

Tori's jaw drops, appalled. "You can't threaten her to marry me!"

Heather shrugs. "I just need a shotgun and a thick Southern accent and I can make it happen."

She doesn't hesitate hitting Heather in the arm, but Heather doesn't hesitate in hitting her back.

"Look, I just know. This girl has literally gone through hell and back with her own damn self to get to you. She'll say yes."

Heather forces her to breathe deeply. Only when she calms down does Heather let her go. She pulls the box out of her pockets and stares at it.

"You're right."

_/_

Jade is on Tori's couch busy editing her script on her laptop and Tori is reading through applications of possible performers on the armchair. It's just another normal Sunday for the two of them; almost routine. When she was younger, she'd have done anything to break out of the monotony. But spending her days with Tori like this doesn't feel like torture; if anything, the complete opposite.

As she's skimming through a scene, she feels eyes on her.

"I know you think it's endearing to stare at me like that, but it's creepy," she says without looking up from her computer, not once paying Tori any mind.

"Yeah, but you like it."

Jade scoffs, shaking her head, before resuming her typing.

"Jade?"

"Tori."

Tori clears her throat. "Do you want to marry me?"

Jade glances at her for a second before turning back to her computer. "Sure."

"Really?"

She stops her work and looks at Tori who's also stuck holding a piece of paper in the air; there is shock written all over her face. She shrugs before turning her attention back to her script.

"Yeah, why not?" she adds after she rewrites a sentence. She tries not to show her surprise when she realizes that Tori has somehow magically appeared beside her.

"' _Yeah, why not?'_  You're going to marry me because  _yeah, why not?_ "

She's not sure why Tori's getting riled up, but she thinks this is worth watching for the entertainment value. "Yeah. Why not."

"Some answer." Jade can almost see Tori shaking her head from the corner of her eye.

"Well are you proposing to me?" Jade takes her glasses off her face and turns to her girlfriend to get a better look at her. She stays silent as she watches Tori stutter in front of her.

"I-I was just asking a question."

Jade smirks before picking her computer back up and placing it on her lap. "My official answer is: Yeah, why not."

"That doesn't sound very enthusiastic," Tori says not moving from her spot beside Jade.

"Says the woman who pops the question like she's asking me if I want sesame chicken for dinner. At least I didn't say no."

She lets Tori shove her to the side as she lets out a small laugh. "You're a jerk, you know that?"

"Yeah, and you're the idiot who wants to marry this jerk. So I guess we all have our shortcomings."

Tori places a hand on her arm and she freezes in her spot, looks Tori in the eyes. "No, but Jade."

"What?"

Tori pulls out a ring from her pocket.

"Oh my god. What kind of proposal is this, Tori?" she asks, confusion running through her mind. She starts sputtering out incoherent words when she thought that this was just the two of them goofing around. Suddenly, Tori puts her hand on her mouth immediately stopping the outpour of her words.

"Jade. Shut up and listen to me. Please. I'm nervous enough as it is."

She doesn't move from her spot realizing the gravity of the situation.

"You've put me through so much hell-"

"Are you sure you want to marry me?" Jade interrupts, pulling Tori's hand from her mouth and wondering who in their right mind would start a marriage proposal like that. Tori puts her hand back in place and Jade's tempted to bite her fingers.

"You've put me through so much hell," Tori repeats slowly, her eyes trained on Jade's. "But I wouldn't trade any of it because it led us here, where we're together. We've danced around each other for years and even when we were going through all that hell, I just couldn't deny the fact that I never stopped loving you. This relationship isn't the easiest, but it's the most rewarding. I don't expect the rest of our lives to be any different. But I've loved you since I was seventeen, I'll love you until I'm seven hundred. "

"Tori…" she says when she finds that she's holding Tori's hand in both of hers.

Tearfully, her girlfriend continues. "Do you remember what you said to me when we got dinner after the opening night of your play?"

"What, it was a great play?" she asks, her mind blanking from anything but the moment that's transpiring in front of her.

Tori laughs, somehow being able to keep herself together. "You said, 'Love me until you don't, love me until you can't.' I just don't think that it's possible to stop."

Jade can't hide the smile or the impending tears from her eyes.

"Jade, would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?"

She lunges forward and presses her lips on Tori's, pulling her closer. She holds Tori's head in her hands just as she feels Tori's arms snake around her.

"Tori, I couldn't stay away if I tried," she says when they break apart.

"Is that a yes?" Jade nods her head and pulls Tori back for another kiss. When she pulls away for air, she lets their foreheads rest on each other. Silence overcomes them, words having escaped from their lips only to be replaced by each other.

/

When she turns to the other side of her bed, she expects a warm body beside her. Instead she finds her girlfriend – now fiancée – staring out of the window of her bedroom. She checks her phone for the time, it's 4:34, before rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. For all the moving and rustling that she's making, Jade doesn't so much as turn her head to the noise.

Tori gathers a blanket from the foot of the bed and drapes it around her as she makes it around her bed. It's only when she gets behind Jade that Jade makes any motion to acknowledge her presence. Clutching the blanket in her fingers, she worms her arms around Jade's abdomen, resting her head on her shoulder. Jade leans back, her hands on top of Tori's.

They stand together, silent, looking out onto the darkness.

Tori presses her lips on Jade's shoulder before speaking softly.

"What are you thinking about?"

Jade takes her time, keeps silent for a time. Tori's gotten used to waiting, knowing that Jade doesn't rush herself in moments like this. While she rushes through her words to cover all of her feelings and thoughts, Jade slows the pace, almost to a halt.

Finally, after patiently waiting, Jade turns her body around but still staying inside Tori's hold.

"What do you think about moving in? Officially?"

Tori smiles. She kisses the top of Jade's shoulder before kissing her on the lips. When she breaks away, she dons a pretty impressive smirk that rivals that of Jade.

"Yeah, why not."

"Jerk," Jade says before making her way out of Tori's grasp and walking back to bed. Tori doesn't stop laughing until she's back on her side of the bed, pulling Jade closer to her.

/

_**Mid-April** _

_Pipsqueak, it's me. Anyway, Tori said that you, Andre and Kelly are good to go for the show at the end of the month. It's also perfect timing to come visit since you guys decided to go on a cruise for Christmas. But there's some stuff you might be excited to hear when you get here. But I won't spoil the surprise because I was told I wasn't allowed. Okay, call me back or don't. Whatever. Bye._

/

_Hey, Sis. I'm excited for you and Gorge to come and visit at the end of the month. Lots of new fun things are happening around here, so your time to visit is perfect. Anyway, I know you're busy nursery shopping for Miss Charlotte Louise, but just call me back sometime. All right, love you! Bye._

_._

_**Late April** _

"Tor, did you go shopping at a thrift store?" Trina asks as she enters her sister's apartment, her hands on her stomach.

"I will thrift store your face," Jade mutters under breath. Tori nudges her in the stomach and warns her to 'Be nice'. Jade glares at her before leading Gorge to carry the bags in the guest bedroom.

When Gorge and Jade emerge from the guest bedroom, Tori waves her down to join her on the couch.

"Actually, no," Tori starts, holding Jade's hand and looking at her for support. "Jade and I are moving in together."

"Insult my stuff again, I'm not afraid to punch a pregnant woman," Jade quickly adds, sitting on the edge of the couch. Tori doesn't bother reprimanding her, just shakes her head.

Gorge and Trina's earlier confused expression transforms to those of delight.

"About time," Gorge says. "Your sister has been betting me that you two will not move in together until August. But I was believing of your love and I knew you two would share a home sooner rather than later." Gorge rises from his spot from the armchair and holds his arms open. "Congratulations, you two. And now, I am one hundred dollar richer thanks to your sister."

After Tori gives his brother-in-law a hug, she peeks from behind him and finds a pouting sister.

"Sorry you lost the hundred bucks," she offers, moving to sit beside her sister, a gentle pat on her sister's leg.

"I'm not. Dinner and drinks are on Gorge," Jade says, high fiving the man.

"That's all right," Trina says, pretending to inspect her nails. "I'm holding out hope that you're the one to get pregnant first." Trina pulls her forward and whispers in her ear. "Don't let me down, Tor."

.

"Oh, it's just you," she says, when she opens the door for Heather and Theresa.

Heather's jaw drops, completely insulted. "It's just me? You better be glad I even come to visit your ass all the way over here."

Tori sighs, and ushers her friend in. "I'm sorry. But you're like the fifth group I opened the door for."

"Fifth?" Heather asks until her eyes land in the crowd gathering in the living room. "What the hell?"

"It's the old school gang, Trina and Gorge, Laura and Palmer from work, Eve and Justus, and now you two."

"The price you pay for getting engaged," Heather whispers, leaning forward conspiratorially. Tori smiles before closing the door and heading over to the middle of the crowd.

"Hey, everyone," she starts, forcing the chatter around the room to cease. "Jade and I are all really excited that all of you could be here today, celebrating Jade and I finally moving in."

"No we're not," Jade quips, shaking her head, but the smile on her face betrays her.

"After moving around too much over the last three years, I'm just really glad that she's doing the moving for once."

"But the real reason that you're all gathered here today is because we have some really exciting news outside of finally moving in together," Jade says.

"You got Tori pregnant!" Trina suggests from the couch.

Tori and Jade look at one another before directing their attention at the pregnant woman and shaking their head with a resolute 'No'. Trina balls her fists, curses under her breath.

"No. No one's pregnant except for the balloon whale on the couch," Jade offers, a smirk on her face. "No, the news is that Tori somehow thought it was a good idea to marry me."

Jade extends her left hand to the excitement of everyone in the room.

"But Jade somehow thought it was an even better idea to say yes!"

Soon, the apartment breaks into loud cheering and squeals of excitement. Tori and Jade end up separating into the crowd, accepting the congratulatory remarks that everyone is offering them. At one point amidst all of the hugging and requests to see the ring, Tori catches Jade's eye.

Jade breaks into a smile that Tori still hasn't gotten used to.

.

After about twenty minutes, the loud buzz of excitement settles into softer chatter amongst their friends and family.

Tori turns to her sister after watching her fiancée across the room laughing at whatever Andre and Robbie are saying.

"I can't believe you kept this a secret from me."

Tori smiles apologetically, places a hand on Trina's. "Sorry. But if we'd told you over the phone, you'd have been upset that you weren't around."

Her sister nonetheless pouts. "That's beside the point."

Tori looks out onto the crowd gathered in her – their apartment – and it warms her heart to see so many people that she loves, celebrate this moment with her.

"Tor," Trina says.

"Yeah?"

"This is the only time you'll ever accept it with a smile on your face, but I told you so."

Her smile widens, admits that Trina's been right about her all along. She was and is in love with Jade.

/

Jade taps a glass to get everyone's attention.

"Now that we've all adorned this precious, precious rock on my finger, I'm getting hungry. So Tori and I reserved a room at Matilda's for lunch. So you people get out of our apartment and head over there. Gorge says he'll pay for the drinks!"

The crowd cheers before beginning to slowly file out of the room.

Jade lingers by the kitchen counter and watches as her friends and family start to make their way out of the door. She smiles when she hears Cat and Kelly talking.

"Joan is going to get super rich from us alone!" Cat exclaims.

Tori sidles up beside her with a kiss on her cheek.

"That worked out pretty well, didn't it?" Tori asks just as they make their way to the door.

"Yeah," she replies as she's locking up the door, the new key feeling good in her hands.

Tori's making her way towards the stairs when Jade calls for her.

"Tori, wait."

She knows the answer to her own question, but it doesn't relieve the nervousness in her system. Biting her lip, she waits until Tori walks back to her as she seems incapable of moving herself. She grips her keys in her hands.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything's great."

"So what's up?"

Jade takes a deep breath and pulls Tori closer, holding Tori's hands with her hands, keys and all.

"Beck once told me that I really couldn't do much better than you."

"Jade?"

"Just hear me out real quick." Tori nods, focuses her attention at her. "I'm good at a lot of things. I'm talented and beautiful and smart. And I know that, but a lot of people can't see that. I don't know why but obviously it's their problem and not mine."

Jade gains the confidence to keep going when she sees Tori smile up at her.

"But you somehow see what I see about myself. And you push me to be better. There have never been very many people in my corner, but even when I don't deserve it and especially when I don't deserve it, you've stuck around. You've stuck around and kept me honest."

She temporarily lets go of Tori's hand to bring her keys up revealing a ring hooked onto her karabiner.

"Oh my god, are you doing what I think you're doing?" Tori asks, her hands shaking.

"Sorry it's not in a box, but I didn't have room in my pocket for one."

"I don't care, it's gorgeous!" Jade unhooks the ring and pushes it on Tori's finger.

"I know I've already agreed to marry you, but I think you of all people deserve to be proposed to. What do you say?"

"Yes!"

Tori lunges forward and presses their lips together. Jade's arms instinctively wraps around Tori. She would have deepened the kiss if it wasn't for someone clearing their throat.

"Ladies," Heather begins, "there is a pregnant woman obnoxiously honking the horn at you to hurry up."

Tori laughs; Jade can't help but roll her eyes. "You guys go ahead. We'll just drive by ourselves."

"I thought we were riding with them?"

Jade shakes her head. "No way. I am not sitting in a car with your pregnant sister for half an hour. That's not going to happen."

Heather waves them off, amusement in her face. "Just keep it in your pants until after we have lunch." Their friend starts making her way down the stairs and the two of them follow suit, hand in hand.

"I want to ship your sister to Russia," Jade says as they take their time making their way down the stairs. "Gorge and the baby can stay."

Tori playfully pushes her to the side when they get to the bottom landing. "No. Then she'll call me all the time complaining about it being too cold."

"Egypt."

"Too hot."

"Serbia."

"No hair salons."

"North Korea."

"We're not sending her anywhere, Jade."

"That is too, too bad."

Jade keeps in mind that North Korea is still a possibility.

"Suck it up, Jade. This is the life you've chosen." Tori starts to pull away from her to get to the passenger seat, but she surprises the both of them when she keeps her hold tugging Tori back into her arms, their faces only inches apart.

"And what kind of life is that?"

"A good one?" Tori offers, shrugging, before puckering up for a chaste kiss. Jade leans forward, basking in the moment.

"A good one."

Eventually they break apart and get in the car. As they turn into the street headed to the restaurant with their friends and family, Tori starts to sing along to the song on the radio. With their hands intertwined atop the middle console she joins in singing. She's never been this happy until now.


End file.
